North Jersey, home of 30-degree temperatures and rain in February and also swampland and refineries year-round! has been named the host of the 2014 Super Bowl.
Applications to host the 2015 game are already coming in to the NFL. Here is a copy of one.
It’s been an exciting week for the New York metropolitan area. First, the New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey was chosen as the site for the 2014 Super Bowl. Now, the New York Post reports that Jets coach Rex Ryan has been chosen as the site for a massive 2014 coronary failure. Ryan said he was “honored” by the distinction but admitted to being a little concerned.
“Well it’s always nice to be chosen for something,” Ryan said. “I guess it’ll be pretty exciting when I feel that tightness in my chest and have to be rushed to the hospital. And I guess it will be a really good wake-up call for me to change my lifestyle. But man, it is kind of scary. I have to think: why me? It’s just…ooh, a donut! I’ll be right back.”
Ryan admits he is a good candidate for heart problems because of his unhealthy lifestyle.
“I know I’m pretty unhealthy and I don’t eat well or exercise much,” he said. “And the lap band procedure I just had is simply prolonging the inevitable. But I wonder: is it too late to stop this? Now that I know it’s going to happen, can I improve my lifestyle and prevent it? Eh, probably not. I mean it’s possible, but what’s the point in trying if it still might happen anyway? I may as well just enjoy these next few years and eat whatever I want. Speaking of which, are you done with that?"
League observers were split on whether Ryan would be the appropriate site for a massive coronary. Many felt he was the “perfect choice”while others cited coaches such as Tony Sparano or Tom Cable as better alternatives.
“I could definitely see this happening to Rex,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “I mean, he definitely fits most of the criteria. But I ask you: wouldn’t someone like Tom Cable be a better alternative? He is also rather portly, plus he’s coaching the Raiders, which carries with it added stress that could make even the most svelt body-builder vulnerable to heart attacks. For that reason, I think Ryan was the wrong choice and this is more evidence of some pro-New York bias.”
Jets owner Woody Johnson said he was not concerned with the recent announcement and that preparation for the 2010 season would proceed as planned.
“We’re not really thinking about it,” said Johnson. “We’re just focusing on what we have to do this offseason and coach Ryan has assured me he is healthy and ready to go. When 2014 rolls around – no pun intended – we’ll worry about Rex’s health. Or perhaps not because, let’s face it, by that time he’ll probably be defensive coordinator for whichever team his brother is head-coaching.”
According to senior Pentagon officials, Philadelphia sports fans have begun enriching uranium in hopes of getting it to bomb-quality levels and may be just 3-5 years away building a usable nuclear weapon.
"It could happen even quicker if any of them were sober," saidLieutenant General Ronald Burgess, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. "I think it goes without saying, we don't want these people to have the bomb."
Available information suggestscentrifuges at three enrichment plant locations the parking lots surrounding Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wachovia Center areproducing low-enriched uranium, but are not yet being used to make highly enriched uranium at a level needed for nuclear weapons. That is the next step, however.
Joey Mottolla, who started the program, admits Philly fans plan to go nuclear.
"You better f-cking believe it," he said, high-fiving his friends. "We're going Enola Gay on all the gay-ass fans of the Cowboys and Mets and Penguins and all of them," he added, before being madefun of by his friends for knowing about history and the Enola Gay.
The program began last November during a tailgate before an Eagles game when some sausages weren't cooking fast enough.
"We needed to speed it up," said Big Mikey, Joey's friend. "It was really cold outside and charcoal just wasn't working. So we thought maybe nuclear would be better way to go. None of us knew shit about that, but my girlfriend's sister's cousin's boyfriend was at the tailgate and it turns out he was some big smart guy who went to Penn. We held him down and farted in his mouth until he agreed to help."
A few months later, the program is progressing nicely.
"I cooked a sausage before the Flyers game the other night in three seconds," said Joey. "And I only have a couple of tumors in my mouth."
While Pentagon officials believe Philly fans are still a few years away from having a usable bomb, Joey and Big Mikey are pushing it to be ready by football season.
"If we don't get to blow up Tony Homo, there's going to be more than farts in that nerd's mouth," said Joey.
May 21, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @KungFuAstronaut AKA Dallas Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett
A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.
“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”
The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.
“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.
With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.
“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.
Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”
Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.
“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”
With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.
Among industrialized countries, American students rank 24th in math and science.
I mean, just listen to that accent. Mayor Quimby thinks it's a bit over-the-top. Also, Mayor Stereotype doesn't know the difference between Jason Varitek and Adam Vinatieri. (VIDEO)
Three years ago, JaMarcus Russell was the No. 1 overall pick. Today, jobless, he is considered one of the biggest busts in NFL history.
But JaMarcus Russell is more than that. He is also a big, fat punchline. So let's take look back at this three-year NFL career. In pictures.
May 7, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @ddockett AKA Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett
NFL players have to be aggressive. It's part of the job.
Sometimes very rarely this aggression spills over off the field and results in criminal activity. But very rarely. Like, only five or six times a week.
Yet it's still enough to fill an entire NFL roster. And a pretty good one, too.