Emmitt Smith is set to be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
If you plan to watch his induction speech, you'll want to be able to translate his words into English from Emmittese a language that bears many similarities to English, but has evolved over thousands of blows to the head.
Here is your Emmitt-to-English dictionary.
Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong strongly denied the charges today of everyone he has ever known, met or had any kind correspondence with, spoken and written.
"For whatever reason, everyone I have ever come across in my life claims I have used performance enhancers and engaged in blood doping," he said. "But I just want to remind the public that they should definitely take my word over the word of my 11,519 accusers. Oh, wait. I'm hearing we're up to 11,520 now."
The latest accuser, Armstrong's mom, says he began blood doping after his treatment for cancer.
"My mom is a goddam liar," said Armstrong. "Although she is telling the truth about the cancer I had. Remember? I had cancer. Friggin' cancer. And I've raised a lot of money for cancer research. So, you know, just think hard if you want to bring me down. Cancer, man. Cancer. If you trust these thousands of people over me, you're basically going to kill sick people."
With a federal investigation reportedly focusing on Armstrong's career, his latest accusers have included a closer circle of acquaintances, including former teammates, his mother and his dog, who spelled out LIAR on the kitchen floor with dog treats.
"Also, if anyone finds my diary, that book is full of lies," said Armstrong. "Especially the pages with my doping schedules and how I write 'I LOVE CHEATING!' over and over. My diary is just jealous."
Our reporter spent the day at Dallas Cowboys training camp in San Antonio. Here are his notes.
>There seems to be no lingering conflict between Roy Williams and Dez Bryant. Bryant extended an olive branch to Williams by apologizing to him for not being aware of rookie hazing rituals and by offering him a job as his personal assistant when Williams is inevitably cut.
> Several Cowboys have asked wide receiver Miles Austin for a turn on Kim Kardashian to improve the team's chances for winning a championship.
> Tight end Martellus Bennett has had his request denied by the league office to put his Twitter account name on the back of his jersey. He says he is very upset with "@NFLcommish" and will "upeel".
> Head coach Wade Phillips wears the same mesh shorts as his players, but without underwear or a jock. So you can clearly see the outline of his junk hanging below his FUPA. It's not pleasant.
> Tony Romo is exuding confidence. Probably because it's early August and we are as far removed from the Super Bowl on the calendar as possible.
> 7th round draft pick Sean Lissemore is impressing and playing as though he should have been taken as early as the 6th round.
> Training camp was packed on Tuesday, and many fans had to be turned away, as it was Cowboys Bandwagon Fan Appreciation Day.
Picture NFL Training Camp Tricycle
Obviously on his way to a double-looped ramp.
A day at NFL Training Camp isn't that different from a day at the summer camps you used to go to as a kid (or still go to as a "counselor" if you're a creepy, unemployed townie).
According to several reports, Brett Favre is feeling much better physically after a long soak in the warm waters of media love.
"He's feeling as good as he has since the last time he faked a retirement in order to hear everyone say how great he is," said Favre's agent, Bus Cook. "So, I guess as good as the last four or five summers."
After reports surfaced that Favre was retiring due to wear and tear on his body, he began an intensive rehabilitational regimen of watching ESPN and the NFL Network. He later switched to CNN and the internet, and then checked his cell phone for text messages.
"Right when he turned the TV on, he started feeling better," said Favre's wife, Deanna. "Some people are helped by physical rehab or acupuncture, but Brett has always responded best to people kissing his ass. There's nothing he loves better than hearing how much worse a team will be without him, or some NFL media guys running down his career records."
Even after hours in front of the television, Favre wasn't feeling quite good enough to return for another season. It wasn't until he checked his text messages that he made his final decision.
"Texting to Brett is like an immediate shot of adrenaline into his ego," said Cook. "He can send some texts out to teammates, coaches, friends or especially friendly media members and immediately get back short affirmations like: 'Ur the best! The NFL needs u!'
Favre now believes he is about 90-percent, but hopes to be 100-percent by the start of the season.
"He doesn't get to 100-percent until he has a huge press conference," said Deanna. "He says the heat of the TV lights loosens up his joints. But, yeah, it's really just because he's an egomaniac."
Brett Favre may be stepping away from the NFL due to a wide array of injuries he sustained over 19 years in the NFL.
Here is a complete list of what ails him.
With Brett Favre planning to retire, Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress has flown to Fran Tarkenton's home in Georgia in hopes of convincing the former Vikings star to come back for one more season behind center.
"He's been away for a few years, but he's really not that much older than Brett," Childress said of the 70-year-old Tarkenton. "I hope to sell Fran on this being the team that can get him his elusive Super Bowl ring."
Tarkenton holds every Vikings passer rating and led Minnesota to three Super Bowls, losing all three the last in 1977 when Favre was only 7 years old. But the former All-Pro reportedly has been working out with high school players.
"That's true," said Tarkenton. "I sometimes throw passes to my grandsons who are in high school. They're nice boys."
"Grandpa throws a football way better than all of the other grandfathers," said Danny Tarkenton, Fran's 15-year-old grandson. "I think it would be cool if he played for the Vikings. Then maybe he would make a lot of money and give me more than five bucks in my birthday cards."
Childress says he plans to make his pitch to Tarkenton this afternoon.
"I'll wait until he's up from his nap," said Childress, "when he's feeling fresh and vibrant and young. That's how I convinced Brett the first time."
The Tarkenton option has received strong support from Vikings players.
"I have never heard of him. Has he played football before?" asked Adrian Peterson. "Even if not, there's a strong chance he's better than Tarvaris and Sage."