Opinion If Athlete Ads Were Honest
"Everyone, I'm sorry," said commissioner Roger Goddell, "but the term Super whoops, we have to pay him $50 million if we use that. So, I mean what we used to call The Big Game is now owned by Don's Super Bowl of Flint, Michigan."
Don's, a bowling alley operated by Flint native Don Smith, has had the "Super Bowl" name since 1943. While the league was unaware of the alley, Smith was reportedly biding his time until the rights lapsed.
"Yeah, every day I'd read that newspaper, hoping to see that the NFL was trying to renew the rights. But I never saw anything about it for a long time, until recently. I read somewhere that the league let the rights to the name lapse, so I snatched it up. Let me tell ya it's been a pretty sweet deal so far."
In an attempt to coerce him into relinquishing the rights, the NFL has offered him such perks as four free Big Game XLVII tickets, a large amount of NFL memorabilia, the chance to have a stadium or trophy named after him, personal use of Tim Tebow, and ownership of the Cleveland Browns.
It needs to be hooked up to a hose for a real-life crying effect.
All JaMarcus Russell news is sponsored by food or cough syrup.
"Yeah, me and that fat shitstain of a twin brother of mine, Rob, are going to hang out this weekend," said New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "We'll probably shoot some pool, go to Hooters and maybe fire up the ol' Nintendo."
Rex Ryan says he had a Nintendo at his "bitchin' pad" back when he was defensive coordinator at Morehead State from 1990 to 1993.
"Late 20s, one bedroom apartment in Morehead, Kentucky, cable TV with the nudie channels, a Nintendo," he said. "Yeah, I was living the life. My dickhead brother was at Tennessee State then and he'd pop over on free weekends and we'd go all out on Tecmo Bowl from morning to night."
Rob Ryan says the Harbaugh brothers are getting all the coaching attention right now, but he knows the Ryans are the best.
"You want to know how I knew I was the best defensive mind in the game?" asked the unemployed Rob Ryan, sitting shirtless on his brother's couch. "I beat Rex one day and he had Bo Jackson and the Raiders."
Her nephew must be very proud.
He'll UGG you up.
"I just want to go on record as saying I am not in any way working with Ray Lewis," said The Almighty. "He keeps talking about how I'm getting him and the Ravens wins, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not helping the Ravens win and I'm definitely not helping Ray Lewis win."
God admitted that he did create Ray Lewis, but has had very little contact with the linebacker since then.
"I'm kind of a live and let live Dude, you know?" said God. "I step in here and there for big stuff, but other than that it's up to you all to live your lives. But this dancing guy keeps going on and on about how I am winning his team games. Saying he's praying to Me and getting My power for his teammates. Enough is enough. He's out there pretending we're good friends and that we talk all the time. No. He's a liar."
Lewis began crying upon hearing God's announcement.
"Yes! Yes, God! Yes, Holy Jesus! You challenge me with your denials!" Lewis weeped, swaying and beginning to dance. "You want me to prove myself to you again, Holy God! I will arm myself with your truth and your victory."
"Oh, God, here we go again," said God. "This is what I'm talking about. I have nothing to do with this guy. I just want to make that clear. Okay? If the Ravens win the Super Bowl or don't win the Super Bowl, I'm in no way involved."
Picture Ray Lewis' Butt Crack
Thank you, Jesus, for allowing him to poop.