News The Lord Very Disillusioned by Ray Lewis Steroids Allegations
"It's a crisis of faith," said Lord. "You put all your faith in Ray Lewis only to get let down and humiliated like this. I honestly tend to be a little skeptical and cynical about humans. I mean, not one hasn't sinned so far. But I thought Ray Lewis was different. Guess I was wrong — and that's the first time I was ever wrong, which as you can probably imagine, is also disappointing."
The Lord says he now regrets all of the times He defended Lewis.
"We've had a lot of debates in the Three-In-One about Ray," said Lord. "They always say that Ray puts on the holy thing to help his image and cover up his guilt over his role in that double murder. They say he has never given a full accounting of what happened that night and why he fled the scene covered in blood and why he destroyed the clothing he was wearing. They say a great man and great leader wouldn't have six kids by four different women. They say that instead of being humble as We instruct, he craves the spotlight. But I always insisted Ray was legit. That he had found the path. Now this. Done in by deer antlers, of all things. I knew We never should have created deer. They look stupid. What's the point of the antlers?"
News Alex Smith Checks Out New Orleans Voodoo Shop For Shits, Giggles, Voodoo
"We should totally check out one of those voodoo places," suggested Smith to a group of 49ers special teams players he deems 'friends'. "Like, just as a joke – just to see what kind of weirdos hang out there. It's like 'Oooh, magic, we're so scared.' But seriously, cab picks us up in 10 minutes."
Smith, the 49ers starting quarterback to begin the season, was replaced by second-year quarterback Colin Kaepernick in Week 10, despite leading the 49ers to a 6-2-1 record. Although San Francisco has continued success, some wonder if Smith is wishing ill-will towards Kaepernick.
"Look at this voodoo doll, it's got markings that kinda look like tattoos," laughed Smith. "How much do you guys dare me to buy it?"
News Joe Flacco: "I know I have the unconditional support of Ravens fans unless I suck again"
"Their support of me has never wavered dating all the way back to two weeks ago when we beat Peyton Manning and the Broncos," said Flacco. "And the win over Tom Brady and the Patriots made it back-to-back weeks of not being seen as the only thing preventing this team from winning a Super Bowl. I've never felt so loved. It feels great."
Flacco says he is confident that as long as he doesn't go out and "really suck it up" in the Super Bowl, Ravens fans "will continue to support me unconditionally."
"Granted, I've never played well this many games in a row in my life, so the wheels are likely to come off at any moment," said Flacco. "Still, though. And, heck, even if I do play well and we still happen to lose, I'll probably be blamed for the loss. But the opportunity is there for me to not forever be seen as the weak link."
Picture Peyton Manning is a Totally Ripped Pro Athlete
Amazing with that physique that he always falls apart at the end of seasons.
News Ray Lewis Plays in Pro Bowl After Hearing There Are Cameras There
"Ray didn't make the Pro Bowl team. He wasn't on the roster," said AFC head coach John Fox. "But … am I going to tell Ray Lewis he can't play? He saw all those NBC national TV cameras out there and couldn't be stopped."
Lewis quickly made his presence known, shoving national anthem singer Brian McKnight to the ground and doing a tearful dance with the American flag draped over his shoulders. He then shouted down head coaches John Fox and Mike McCarthy to give a pregame speech to both the AFC and NFC teams. Next he paced around the midfield logo for 20 minutes, pounding his chest and yelling "WOOOOOOO!" as the crowd politely clapped, many eventually leaving.
Finally, unable to remove Lewis from the field when he noticed a camera hovering over the field, referees started the game, players running full-speed past the linebacker for the opening kickoff as he continued his performance at midfield.
The Ravens legend finally wrapped the midfield portion of his routine late in the first quarter and ran off the field to stand by NBC sideline reporter Doug Flutie.
"I'm just glad to be here to be a leader for these men," Lewis said.
"Ummm … we're not on camera right now," said Flutie. "I … I didn't even ask to interview you."
"I'm crying, man," Lewis said, dumping a cup of water on his face. "Look at these tears. People will want to see this."
Opinion The 9 Players On Every Super Bowl Team
This guy is a veteran who often has been talked about as one of the best in the sport, but he has yet to get "a ring." Winning one will forever clinch his greatness and make him a lock for the Hall of Fame. And if he loses? TOTAL FAILURE. His whole life was a WASTE! This may have been his LAST CHANCE!
Granted, football is a team sport so unlike in tennis or golf, a player can be an all-time great even without a championship, but just go with it, okay? There are two weeks of pregame coverage to fill.
2. The Possible Arrest Distraction
If you had to pick one guy on the roster you fear will cause a big distraction for your team the night before the Super Bowl by getting nabbed with a bunch of hookers or doing some cocaine-fueled murder, he's the guy. The lure of a week of Super Bowl parties draws him in like a drunk moth to the flame. He's the one player the coaches will actually check on at curfew time.
3. The Heart-Wrenching Story
His mom died. Or his dad. Or his mom and dad. Or his mom and dad and wife and kids and neighbors and pets. And it all happened last week or last month or 20 years ago. It doesn't matter. It happened and his life story will now be fodder for a soft-focus sit-down interview with piano music in the background. And what will make the pain of the death of his mom, dad, wife, kids, neighbors and pets go away? Why, a Super Bowl title, of course. That's the only way to overcome grief.
