"To those who say that the NFL doesn't care about this issue, you couldn't be farther from the truth," the commissioner said. "I follow this very closely and I am pleased that my initiatives to make the game safer are making a noticeable difference."
Goodell's statement was met with stunned silence by reporters, until one finally piped up: "Umm you know, I don't want to be that guy, but wouldn't you say the sole reason there hasn't been any concussions lately is because there haven't been any games since the Super Bowl."
The commissioner waved off that assertion.
"I demanded that the NFL become safer, as did the public," said Goodell. "Now we have undeniable proof of progress and you want to nitpick and dissect facts and spin them to fit your narrative. But I operate in a fact-based reality. And that reality says that NFL players have been safer than ever over the past week or so."
1. Jon Gruden
Pro: When any big job opens up, Gruden's name is mentioned. He would definitely bring enthusiasm to the position.
Con: The job might be too much for him. Gruden would no doubt stay up all night watching film of people sinning, trying to come up with game plans to help them overcome it. With more than 7 billion sinners in the world, the quantity of sin tape would be overwhelming. The papacy might burn him out fast.
2. Tim Tebow
Pro: Tebow is one of the world's best known Christians and could soon be forced to look for a new line of work.
Con: Tebow is not Catholic. He is an evangelical Christian. Big difference. However, Tebow might be willing to convert if he is promised to be No. 1 on the Catholic depth chart at the faith's most important position.
3. Todd Graham
Pro: The Arizona State head football coach is always looking for a new and better job and will no doubt at least have his agent acquire about the position. Pope is no doubt a "dream job."
Con: Todd Graham has a black, rotten soul. God probably doesn't want Todd Graham to be his top human pal.
4. Lionel Messi
Pro: The world's best soccer player is a devout Catholic. The Church has seen a dramatic decline in Europe in recent years. Making a football star the pope could get many football-mad Europeans interested in Catholicism again.
Con: Messi would no doubt have to miss many matches in order to do pope stuff. Being robbed of the sport's greatest player in his prime could turn many against the Church. Also, with Messi out of the way, Cristiano Ronaldo becomes the world's best player and no one wants that.
Picture Sweet Kansas Chiefs Skull Tattoo
He must have a good and respected job.
1. The original owner of the Detroit Tigers was killed by a tiger attack while on vacation in Bangladesh.
2. Dunking a basketball is against the law in Belgium and can earn a week in jail and a €750 fine.
3. Testing done in 1991 found that the Stanley Cup is covered in more fecal bacteria than the average public restroom toilet.
4. The distance of the Indianapolis 500 is actually 494.6 miles.
5. The first protective cups were made from the shells of lobster tails.
"I love Baltimore and I love the Ravens," said Brianna Barker, a Baltimore resident. "But it sure was difficult to root for this team the past 13 years with someone like Ray Lewis on the team. What an awful person. What a phony. We feel like a cloud has been lifted with him retiring. I don't feel dirty being a Ravens fan anymore. I don't have any moral hangups about being a Ravens fan anymore. None of us do. And we're all out here today to celebrate that."
The dancing, glory-hogging Lewis has unfortunately been the face of the franchise since he was drafted in the team's first draft in 1996 and even more so since he was involved in a double murder in 2000.
"Think about it: this franchise hasn't played one game, not one game, without having Ray Lewis on the roster," said head coach John Harbaugh. "We are entering a new era here. An era in which no one has to try to defend that guy anymore. Ravens fans don't always have to be on the defensive anymore. They don't have to live in shame. That's why you can see the happiness on the faces of everyone who came out today. I know I'm much prouder to be a Raven today than I ever was before."
Lewis was part of the parade that wound its way through the city's downtown streets and concluded just outside the city limits where Lewis was dropped off. The caravan then sped back to M&T Bank Stadium to change the locks.
Picture Josh Freeman as Michael Jackson
With the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as Tito Jackson.
This must be from a royal wedding.
Lack of production, fumbles, embarrassment. Maybe Ray Rice and Joe Flacco swapped bodies for the postseason.
She should destroy all evidence of this tape.