Really, any Twitter feuds are douche-offs.
Yet another reason to never attend an Orioles game.
He often has three-ways with it and a fried turkey leg.
Eeeew! Yankees fans have cooties! No, seriously.
"I have to go now and call 9-1-1."
"It's like no other baseball teams exist," said Francesco. "They're almost the top story on ESPN every night for what feels like forever. It's like they have forgotten that other teams exist."
After a sports record 18 consecutive losing seasons, the low-budget Pirates are in first place in their division in late July for the first time since 1992. Their push for the playoffs has been perhaps the biggest story in baseball in 2011, but Francesco would like to remind everyone that they still suck.
"Look at the standings. They'd be 7 games behind us if they were in the A.L. East," he said. "That's like Toronto Blue Jays territory. Oooooh. Congratulations. You're as great as the Blue Jays. Go away now. You're not the Yankees and never will be."
Francesco also bragged that he's "never even heard of the National League Central" and that the Pirates haven't beaten the Yankees since the 1960 World Series "or whatever, which my Uncle Vito says was rigged anyway. He knows a guy who did it."
They could've used a poop reference for Clemens, too.
"Brian called me today at work and asked if I'd be interested in taking Jeter off his hands," said Lopez. "He said I could keep all the stuff I got for the Jeter ball, only now I'd get Derek, too, in exchange for well, he said anything I wanted to give. A baseball, my recycling, an old rug, whatever."
Cashman confirmed that he has been in contact with Lopez.
"My job is to always look for ways to improve this team," said Cashman. "Milestones or not, the fact is that Derek is batting .270, has three home runs, a .683 OPS and has limited range and we're trying to win a World Series. So this big Jeter fan comes along and I thought he might be open to taking Derek off our hands."
Lopez said he appreciates the offer, but isn't sure he can make it work.
"I live in a one-bedroom apartment," he said. "I don't want to give up my bed, but I don't want a Yankees legend to sleep on my old couch or on the floor either. Plus, what will he eat? I'm not a big cook. My fridge is mainly milk for cereal, some beer and old pizza boxes. It would be a big lifestyle change."
Bummer. His life just peaked at age 13.
Suck it, Bonds!