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Yankees skipper Joe Girardi announced today that highly-paid third baseman Alex Rodriguez would not start Game 5 of the ALDS, setting off a string of events that suggests he may be the world's wisest person.

After Girardi's informed Rodriguez of his decision this afternoon, telling the former slugger he "can't be counted on" and that he is "washed up" and "was probably only ever good due to the massive amounts of steroids" he took.

Enraged by his manager's treatment, Rodriguez flew into a rage, shouting back at Girardi, turning over tables and knocking a jug of water over.

"Oh, wow. Good for you. You made contact with something," said Girardi. "I didn't think I'd ever see that again."

With that barb, witnesses say, Rodriguez got in his manager's face and screamed "I QUIT! You hear me? I'M DONE! I'm never playing for the Yankees AGAIN!"

Girardi then turned to an assistant holding a camera and said: "You got that? Got it all on tape?" The assistant nodded. "Great."

"Alex," Girardi said, turning back to his now former third baseman. "By quitting you have violated your contract. We no longer owe you $114 million over the next five years. Thank god. I win. You lose. Clean out your locker. You are no longer part of this organization."

A thoroughly defeated Rodriguez then collapsed in front of his locker, sobbing, as cheers went up throughout the locker room.

Major League Baseball announced a new officially recognized statistic today that will be used exclusively in the postseason and will evaluate players on how much better they are than postseason Alex Rodriguez.

"We are always open to new ways for fans to dig into baseball and evaluate and debate the talents of our players," said MLB spokesman Jeff Bourne. "And Bill James' new WAR-ROD statistic really fills a hole we had, which was quantifying exactly how awful Alex Rodriguez is in the postseason compared to everyone else."

Rodriguez is 1-for-12 with seven strikeouts so far in the postseason, setting the baseline 0.0 WAR-ROD. Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper, who is 1-for-15 with six strikeouts, has a -0.1 WAR-ROD — meaning he is somehow more useless in the postseason than Rodriguez. New York's Raul Ibanez, however, has an 11.0 WAR-ROD — meaning he is worth 11 more postseason wins to his team if he replaced Rodriguez every game.

"Basically I hate the Yankees and drank a bottle of wine one night and decided to come up with a sabermetric stat that shows how awful A-Rod is in the playoffs," says James. "The formula might not completely check out as I was full or merlot, but the crux is there: A-Rod blows."

After nearly a year of contentious litigation, a New York jury decided today that baseball's teams had ripped off the New York Yankees' innovative "home run," in which a batter hits the baseball over the outfield fence for a run. The jury ordered Major League Baseball's other 29 teams to pay the Yankees $4.5 billion in damages and immediately stop using the team's patented home run hit.

"Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris, Reggie Jackson … the Yankees invented the home run," said MIchael Rogers, the team's lead attorney. "The evidence was compelling and I am glad the jury made the right decision."

The Yankees filed their patent infringement lawsuit on October 7, 2011, one day after being eliminated by the Detroit Tigers in the divisional round of the playoffs, and paid scores of the country's highest-paid patent lawyers to promote their case.

Although an appeal is planned, it will likely fail.

"We really didn't have much of a shot," said Pete Jones, a 25 year-old attorney who works part-time for the Kansas City Royals. "The Yankees did not hit the first home run. Unfortunately, when it comes to the law, it doesn't matter who has the facts on their side if the one side has unlimited money and resources. Also, arguing before a New York City jury didn't do us any favors. They deliberated for 35 seconds."

Major League Baseball teams, other than the Yankees, are now banned from hitting home runs over the fence. Any home runs accidentally hit will counts as an out and result in a $1 million fine payable to the Yankees. Inside-the-park home runs are allowed, although one attorney on the Yankees' vast roster of lawyers said a lawsuit over those type of home runs will also be filed if the team loses a playoff game due to one.