Filed Under » new york yankees

Salvatore DiGuilio, a Yankees season ticket holder who sits two rows behind you, expressed shock and dismay today that your son has never heard the word c—t before.

“Really?Seriously?” asked a bewildered DiGuilio.“What is that kid, six?How could he not know what a c—t is?It’s the first thing you learn after you find out what a d—k is.Hey Vinny, can you believe this pr—k’s kid doesn’t know what a c—t is?”

The self-proclaimed “die-hard” Yankee fan scoffed at your notion that c—t is a vulgar word not to be used in front of a child after Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira makes a simple groundout to second to end the fourth inning.

“Please, I use that f—king word around my little s—t kid all the time,” he explained.“That’s the f—king language of the real world.What, are you trying to make your son a p—-y?A p—-y little f——t?Because that’s what’s he gonna grow up to be.”

But Dr. Harry Edwards, professor of sports psychology at the University of Southern California, disagrees with DiGuilio’s claims.

“Contrary to what many inebriated Yankee fans believe, learning crude terms for female genitalia at an early age does not prevent homosexuality, nor does it result in any long-term passive behavior.In fact, studies show learning terms such as c—t before the age of six can lead to problems with anger AND future substance abuse issues.Of course, this means you’ll fit in perfectly with Yankee fans.They’re all complete a—holes.”

DiGuilio refuted Edwards’ notion, saying, “Maybe he’s a c—t, too.”

Yankees officials said they have received several complaints from you in the past few months with regards to DiGuilio’s behavior.So far, the team has had no official response, though a Yankees Stadium security guard did tell you to, “keep your little c—t kid in his seat for ‘God Bless America,’ or I will throw your c—t a—out of this facility.”

DiGuilio has a long history of uttering disgusting, inappropriate words around you and your children.Three months ago, he drunkenly challenged you to fight after spilling beer on your son and calling him a little c—ksucker.DiGuilio claims to have no recollection of the incident.

“Bottom line, I think you’re full of s—t,” says DiGuilio.“That kid has totally heard that word before.Probably at school.I’ve said it around him.Vinny’s said it around him.This whole section says the word c—t every five minutes.And if you don’t like it, you can get the f—k out of this town.

“C—t,” he added.

Pete Rose may hold baseball's all-time hits record with 4,256, but The Hit King does not hold the record for MOST IMPORTANT HITS in baseball history, as none of Rose's hits came with the New York Yankees. That record belongs to Lou Gehrig with 2,721. And now Derek Jeter, too.

Each of Gehrig and Jeter's hits came as members of the New York Yankees, thereby making all of their hits far more relevant than anybody else's hits.

"Jeter and Gehrig may only have 2,721, but each of their hits should really count double because they came on the big stage of Yankee Stadium. Imagine the pressure," said Yankees season ticket holder Bob Merloni. "And I don't know who Pete Rose played for, but I know it wasn't the New York Yankees — the greatest sports franchise ever. So that kind of puts a black mark on his great career, you know?"

Merloni said that baseball should really cut Rose's hits by half and double the total by Gehrig and Jeter, putting them ahead of Rose by 3,600 hits instead of behind by 1,500.

"Do this, Bud Selig. Make it happen," he said. "Your credibility is at stake."

Mark Roth, a Yankees season ticket holder who says he has been going to games with his father since before he can remember, admits frustration in explaining the importance of Jeter's accomplishment to others.

"I have friends who aren't Yankee fans who don't get all the media coverage this is getting compared to the coverage of team records for other teams. They're like: 'He doesn't even have 3,000 hits,'" says Roth. "What can you say to that ignorance? All you can really say is: 'Umm, it's the Yankees, guy. So it's better. What are you not understanding?' I mean, this isn't a team record for the Cardinals or the Pirates or the Phillies or the Orioles or some team like that. What good players have those teams ever had?"

Merloni hopes the media attention Jeter is receiving paves the way for some of his current and former teammates to receive the recognition they are due, too.

"Do you see some of the people they are putting in the Hall of Fame nowadays?" he said. "How are these losers getting into Cooperstown and not all-time greats like Paul O'Neill, John Wetteland and Scott Brosius? It's a travesty."

Dear No-Hitter –

I have to say that I am a bit confused. I was flirting with you all night long. I thought we had something.

First inning, second inning, third inning, fourth, fifth, sixth. The tension was building. Something was happening between us. I felt it. And unless I misremember, I know you had to feel it, too. We weren’t just flirting anymore. We were about to do it.

At least I thought so.

I mean, look – I knew it wasn’t going to be perfect. I’m not naïve. My bumbling wing man Jerry Hairston, Jr. assured that, am I right? But even after he butted in, I still thought we could have some fun, no-hitter. It was still there for us. I still wanted you. Probably even more than before.

I wanted you so bad. Pardon my French, but I wanted to f—k you, no-hitter.

But then you go all of a sudden and let Nick Markakis get to first base with you??? Like the whole night, all of our flirting, meant nothing?!?

What was that about?

I feel used, no-hitter. I do. I know it might sound stupid. But I felt like you used me. I feel like you used me to get yourself some attention because I am a New York Yankee. And then you just went and left with some Baltimore Oriole.

You’re a whore, no-hitter. There. I said it. YOU ARE A WHORE.

I’m never flirting with you again.

I Can't Love Anymore,

Andy Pettitte