News Derek Jeter Finally Playing Like The Crappy Player He's Always Been
Derek Jeter has long been accused of being all of those. And after 16 years in the majors, his failings as a baseball player are apparent to everyone — even the most diehard Yankee fans and Derek Jeter fanboys.
Picture This is Roger Clemens' mugshot or maybe he took a job as a substitute teacher and this is his yearbook photo.
Opinion 7 Other Surgeries Named After Athletes
Tommy John isn't the only athlete with a surgery named after him.
Here are a few others.
News Roger Clemens to Enter Prison in a Red Sox Cap
According to reports, Roger Clemens will enter federal prison as a member of the Boston Red Sox, picking the team he spent 13 years of his 24-year career over the Yankees, Astros and Blue Jays.
"We knew this day would come," said Clemens' attorney, Rusty Hardin. "We just thought it would be for the Hall of Fame."
Despite a strained relationship with his former team, Clemens forged his baseball career in Boston.
"Roger won three of his seven Cy Young awards with Boston," said his wife, Debbie. "At the same time, he started using steroids in Toronto and really had them pay off in New York and Houston. So it was a tough call for him. He's lost a lot of sleep over this decision. Also because I think he's scared of going to prison."
Clemens is facing more than a year in a federal penetentiary if convicted of lying before Congress. While he may wear a Red Sox hat to prison, it will immediately be seized by prison officials.
"That would be considered contraband," said a guard at a federal penitentiary. "He would have to wear standard prison attire like every other inmate — because those are the rules and also for his own protection. Most people hate the Red Sox and would probably try to kill him. Hell, I'd probably shank him myself and I barely even follow baseball."
News Owners Vote to Contract George Steinbrenner's Fantasy Team
Major league baseball owners voted last night to contract George Steinbrenner's fantasy team, "The Boss' Boys", and reassign the players on his team via a dispersal draft.
"We just didn't feel it was fair for Hank Steinbrenner to take over his team. It's loaded," said Red Sox owner John Henry. "George has worked hard over the years to stock his team with Yankees and Hank shouldn't get to just walk in to a title."
Steinbrenner has been a famously hands-on fantasy owner of the years in the MLB Ownerz League, scouring the fantasy wire each day and offering other owners trades several times a week.
"George was the guy who would offer you a couple of utility players and a reliever for one of your stars," said Dodgers owner Frank McCourt. "It was annoying and insulting. But at the same time endearing because you knew he just wanted to win."
The league message board still talks about Steinbrenner's 1986 move when he released Dave Winfield, then used his No. 1 waiver spot to pick him right back up, then released him again and, finally, traded a young Roger Clemens to get Winfield back.
"Yeah, George's teams weren't so good back then," said White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf.
Hank, Steinbrenner's son, will be able to join the now 29-team league before the 2011 season as the owner of an expansion team. The longtime Yankees owner was in second place in the league at the time of his passing.
"I was in first place, baby!" said Royals owner David Glass. "Yeah, I admittedly spend much more time working on my fantasy team than on my real baseball team."
News Alex Rodriguez Buys New Outfit for First Day Back from All-Star Break
Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez showed up today for the first day of baseball since the All-Star break sporting a snappy new outfit he admitted he hoped would catch the eye of the rest of the players on the team.
"Hey, we haven't seen each other in a while and I wanted to make a good impression and show them that I became even more stylish and sophisticated over the break," he said. "I think it worked. I think they realized there's a new Alex."
But Rodriguez wasn't the only Yankees player to report with a new look. Derek Jeter had an expensive new outfit, Jorge Posada showed up with a brand new bat bag and Nick Swisher was sporting a new haircut. Closer Mariano Rivera looked the most different, however, taking on a goth look.
"So much happened to me over the All-Star break," said Rivera. "Like, you don't even know. I don't even know if I'm going to stay in baseball. I might quit and focus on my music."
Yankees manager Joe Girardi says the Yankees are no different than any other baseball team.
"They're very insecure, yet at the same time incredibly egotistical," said Girardi. "I'd say their maturity is around that of a 10th grade boy."
Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain showed up in a dirty, wrinkled shirt and clearly hadn't showered in several days. He had to be sent home to change.
"Poor kid comes from a terrible background," said Girardi. "And he doesn't have any money. But there are standards we expect everyone on the team to meet. Basic hygiene."
Picture The pain in his crotch was all the evidence he needed: Derek Jeter knew his girlfriend had slept with Tim Riggins again.
News Yankees, Chamberlain Renew "Joba Rules" In Small Hawaiian Ceremony
Joba Chamberlain burst onto the scene likehot, flat-brimmed lava. But after a failed tour as a starter and a sub-parreturn to the bullpen, it appears Chamberlain’s status as liquid-hot phenomhas cooled and hardened into an igneous career as a middle reliever.
In an attempt to restore what once was Yankees’ Senior Vice President andGeneral Manager, Brian Cashman, made the decision to bring back the “JobaRules,” protective guidelines set to prevent the hard-throwing righty fromgetting injured early in his career. The Yankee front office drew a lot ofcriticism when they enacted the “rules” in 2007, but according to Cashman,all the jokes and disparagement is far less painful than watching a onceprized prospect slip deeper and deeper into mediocrity. “The biggest regretof my career is revoking the ‘Joba Rules.’ Well, besides making him astarting pitcher… and signing Kei Igawa” said Cashman.
To celebrate the reinstatement of the “Joba Rules,” a team trip to Hawaiiwas booked for a renewal ceremony during an off day of their West Coast roadtrip. The private ceremony, whose guest list boasted such Yankee legends asYogi Berra and Randy Velarde, was hosted on a beautiful white-sand beachjust south of Honolulu. Under the guidance of newly ordained minister, DerekJeter, Chamberlain and Cashman exchanged the newly penned rules in front ofthe exclusive audience. Cashman, who read his rules on behalf of the entire
Yankees organization, couldn’t help but get emotional during the hour-longceremony, which was capped by a Chamberlain fist pump and Frank SinatraJr.’s rendition of “New York, New York.” “For the most part, I try not tolet my emotions get to me, but when Joba looked me in the eyes and flashedme one of those reassuring, Cornhusker smiles, I just couldn’t help myself”said the teary-eyed GM. “You know, I’m glad I finally listened to my wife,”he added, “the Hawaiian vow renewal ceremony really was a good idea."
The players in attendance agreed wholeheartedly. Curtis Granderson, who isin his first season with the Yankees, said “[the ceremony] was the mostbeautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The closest thing we ever did to this in
Detroit was pretend wedding for [Justin] Verlander and [Magglio] Ordonez’sdogs, it was really cute.” For members of the organization who couldn’t makeit, a DVD of the ceremony’s Yankeeography was sent to team headquarters inTampa, Florida.
While the exact terms of the Chamberlain-Yankee agreement were meant to bekept private, an inside source says the new rules are highlighted by a 100inning season limit, no alcohol before day game clause, and mandatory TacoTuesdays.
