May 9, 2013

News Someone Writing a Column That Gives Credit for Yankees' Surprising Start to Derek Jeter

Someone Writing a Column That Gives Credit for Yankees Surprising Start to Derek Jeter - Image 1
Someone somewhere is currently working on a column that will credit the New York Yankees' surprising start to the season to the leadership of Derek Jeter. The veteran shortstop has not played all season due to an injured ankle and has no timetable for a return, yet it is certain the longtime captain will earn accolades for his role in helping the aging, injury-riddle Yankees to one of the best records in the American League.

"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"

At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful — and then got off to a slow start — columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.

"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."

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Filed Under   MLB   media   new york yankees   derek jeter
April 17, 2013

Opinion The Coolest Features of 5 MLB Stadiums

Wrigley Field

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- – - – -

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Poll How hilarious is it that the Yankees are going to suck this year?

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Filed Under   MLB   new york yankees
March 11, 2013

Opinion EXCLUSIVE: Brian Cashman's Ideas for Getting New Good Players on the Yankees

EXCLUSIVE: Brian Cashmans Ideas for Getting New Good Players on the Yankees - Image 1
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Filed Under   MLB   new york yankees   Brian Cashman
March 11, 2013

Picture 58 Year-Old Al Roker Looks Like a Toddler in a Yankees Uniform

Let's hope he didn't shart the pants.

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Filed Under   MLB   media   new york yankees
March 7, 2013

News Aging, Injury-Riddled Yankees Possibly on the Cusp of the Most Awesome Yankees Season in Years

Aging, InjuryRiddled Yankees Possibly on the Cusp of the Most Awesome Yankees Season in Years - Image 1
The New York Yankees' already suspect roster is losing player after player to injury in spring training, meaning the team will be forced to open the regular season with a greatly depleted lineup. If the team falls too far behind in April and May, it will have no chance of getting back into the race even when aging stars Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson and Alex Rodriguez return.

"Holy crap. This could be awesome," said one baseball fan. "Can you imagine if the Yankees go, like, 72-90? I mean, I really think it's possible this year. They could really blow. Is 100 losses too crazy? Would that be the greatest thing ever? I think it might be the greatest thing ever."

Even with three high-priced position players missing significant time this season, the Yankees will still field a team with many big-name players. But most, if not all of those players, are well past their prime and the American League East will be competitive from top to bottom.

"I hate the Yankees so much and am so sick of hearing about them," said an American. "They're on TV constantly. But if they totally suck, I will probably watch all of their games and enjoy every second of them getting drubbed night after night."

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Filed Under   MLB   new york yankees
January 30, 2013

Picture Maryland: The Naive State

They're really going to be upset when it breaks that Cal Ripken, Jr. took roids.

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December 18, 2012

Video Wade Boggs Dancing at an Oklahoma City Thunder Game

He has dance hits.

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December 6, 2012

News Frugal Yankees Looking to Keep Payroll at $189 Million

Frugal Yankees Looking to Keep Payroll at 189 Million - Image 1
The days of the New York Yankees buying every top-shelf free agent are over.

"Economic realities are economic realities," general manager Brian Cashman said at baseball's winter meetings. "Money is not unlimited and it's time for some harsh austerity around here. We would like to keep our payroll at just under $190 million. It will be tough, but we're committed to tightening our belts around here."

Baseball's luxury tax kicks in at $190 million. Even with a $189 million payroll in 2013, the Yankees will exceed any other team's payroll by approximately $20 million and will have more than double the payroll of 18 of baseball's 30 teams.

"People won't be able to talk about the big-spending Yankees anymore, that's for sure," said Cashman. "Did you know that just yesterday, I didn't offer a free agent a multi-year, eight-figure deal? I had never heard of the guy, it was some Dominican infielder or something, and I thought: 'You know what? Maybe don't give this guy all of the money. Maybe it could be spent better in other ways.' That's the first time I've ever done that. Usually if an agent calls, I double his client's best offer sight unseen."

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Filed Under   MLB   new york yankees
December 3, 2012

Opinion A Day-in-the-Life of Fat Derek Jeter

A DayintheLife of Fat Derek Jeter - Image 1
11:00 a.m. – Wakes up and for breakfast eats an entire container of fattening whipped cream off of the body of the model laying beside him.

11:10 a.m. – Is so lazy he just lays underneath the model while she has sex with him.

11:30 a.m. – Takes nap while the late-morning model shift changes.

12:00 p.m. – Asks new model if his penis is still there, because he hasn't seen it lately thanks to his "huge gut." New model makes him aware of its existence.

12:30 p.m. – Finally gets around to bathing, but just sits there yawning while receiving a tongue bath from the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

1:00 p.m. – Lazily has a chauffeur drive him to an exclusive lunch spot.

1:30 p.m. – Is immediately seated, possibly because he doesn't have the strength to stand there and wait for a table.

1:35 p.m. – Has two appetizers and three waitresses.

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Filed Under   MLB   new york yankees   derek jeter