"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"
At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful and then got off to a slow start columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.
"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."
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Let's hope he didn't shart the pants.
"Holy crap. This could be awesome," said one baseball fan. "Can you imagine if the Yankees go, like, 72-90? I mean, I really think it's possible this year. They could really blow. Is 100 losses too crazy? Would that be the greatest thing ever? I think it might be the greatest thing ever."
Even with three high-priced position players missing significant time this season, the Yankees will still field a team with many big-name players. But most, if not all of those players, are well past their prime and the American League East will be competitive from top to bottom.
"I hate the Yankees so much and am so sick of hearing about them," said an American. "They're on TV constantly. But if they totally suck, I will probably watch all of their games and enjoy every second of them getting drubbed night after night."
Picture Maryland: The Naive State
They're really going to be upset when it breaks that Cal Ripken, Jr. took roids.
He has dance hits.
"Economic realities are economic realities," general manager Brian Cashman said at baseball's winter meetings. "Money is not unlimited and it's time for some harsh austerity around here. We would like to keep our payroll at just under $190 million. It will be tough, but we're committed to tightening our belts around here."
Baseball's luxury tax kicks in at $190 million. Even with a $189 million payroll in 2013, the Yankees will exceed any other team's payroll by approximately $20 million and will have more than double the payroll of 18 of baseball's 30 teams.
"People won't be able to talk about the big-spending Yankees anymore, that's for sure," said Cashman. "Did you know that just yesterday, I didn't offer a free agent a multi-year, eight-figure deal? I had never heard of the guy, it was some Dominican infielder or something, and I thought: 'You know what? Maybe don't give this guy all of the money. Maybe it could be spent better in other ways.' That's the first time I've ever done that. Usually if an agent calls, I double his client's best offer sight unseen."
11:10 a.m. Is so lazy he just lays underneath the model while she has sex with him.
11:30 a.m. Takes nap while the late-morning model shift changes.
12:00 p.m. Asks new model if his penis is still there, because he hasn't seen it lately thanks to his "huge gut." New model makes him aware of its existence.
12:30 p.m. Finally gets around to bathing, but just sits there yawning while receiving a tongue bath from the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
1:00 p.m. Lazily has a chauffeur drive him to an exclusive lunch spot.
1:30 p.m. Is immediately seated, possibly because he doesn't have the strength to stand there and wait for a table.
1:35 p.m. Has two appetizers and three waitresses.