"Sink clogged? Call Bobby Bonilla. Trouble opening a jar? Call Bobby Bonilla. Need something down from a shelf you can't reach? Bobby Bonilla is your man," federal judge Jed S. Rakoff wrote in his ruling. "Bernie Madoff robbed from you, but Bobby Bonilla can make your life easier."
Despite being out of baseball since 2001 and not a member of the Mets since 1999, Bonilla is still being paid $1.2 annually by the team through 2036 under the terms of a deferred payment plan that helped the franchise stay above water. Since Bonilla is still on the team's payroll, Judge Rakoff ruled he had the authority to include the six-time All-Star's services as part of the settlement.
"Do I need some things retrieved from my shelves? I sure do," said 82 year-old Edna Friedman, who lost her life savings to Madoff. "But Bobby Bonilla? He kind of sucked for the Mets. I'd much rather have Mike Piazza get a jar for me. He could hit and was very handsome."
If they're lucky, everyone died.
"There have been many internal discussions about how to make that kind of money," said a front office source. "Despite how awful the team is, we had 2.3 million paying customers last year. If we get all of them to pay just $1,000 into a Ponzi scheme, we can make back the Madoff money and much more."
Management has also considered running a low-budget, talentless team out onto the field, knowing that some fans will still pay for tickets. Sales of cheap, poorly made merchandise marked up several hundred percent has also been considered.
"But we have tried forms of all that in the past," said Mets COO Jeff Wilpon. "It may be time to try something new and bold."
Looking to the models of team rivals such as the New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies, the Mets say they are openly considering the idea of having a good baseball team that wins games and makes money through an increase in ticket and merchandise revenues.
This woman will be remembered as one of the worst reporters of all-time.
This kind of thing will really help MLB Network's offseason ratings.
"Jets" also probably isn't accepted.
Picture Banana Phones at a Mets Game
It's a credit to Mets fans that they still have a sense of humor.
Picture Mets Fan Asks That You Be Quiet
He says that when restaurant managers ask him to not drink the ranch dressing.
It's more polite than booing Jason Bay.
Let's start a petition to get him to replace Joe Buck.