It’s been an exciting week for the New York metropolitan area. First, the New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey was chosen as the site for the 2014 Super Bowl. Now, the New York Post reports that Jets coach Rex Ryan has been chosen as the site for a massive 2014 coronary failure. Ryan said he was “honored” by the distinction but admitted to being a little concerned.
“Well it’s always nice to be chosen for something,” Ryan said. “I guess it’ll be pretty exciting when I feel that tightness in my chest and have to be rushed to the hospital. And I guess it will be a really good wake-up call for me to change my lifestyle. But man, it is kind of scary. I have to think: why me? It’s just…ooh, a donut! I’ll be right back.”
Ryan admits he is a good candidate for heart problems because of his unhealthy lifestyle.
“I know I’m pretty unhealthy and I don’t eat well or exercise much,” he said. “And the lap band procedure I just had is simply prolonging the inevitable. But I wonder: is it too late to stop this? Now that I know it’s going to happen, can I improve my lifestyle and prevent it? Eh, probably not. I mean it’s possible, but what’s the point in trying if it still might happen anyway? I may as well just enjoy these next few years and eat whatever I want. Speaking of which, are you done with that?"
League observers were split on whether Ryan would be the appropriate site for a massive coronary. Many felt he was the “perfect choice”while others cited coaches such as Tony Sparano or Tom Cable as better alternatives.
“I could definitely see this happening to Rex,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “I mean, he definitely fits most of the criteria. But I ask you: wouldn’t someone like Tom Cable be a better alternative? He is also rather portly, plus he’s coaching the Raiders, which carries with it added stress that could make even the most svelt body-builder vulnerable to heart attacks. For that reason, I think Ryan was the wrong choice and this is more evidence of some pro-New York bias.”
Jets owner Woody Johnson said he was not concerned with the recent announcement and that preparation for the 2010 season would proceed as planned.
“We’re not really thinking about it,” said Johnson. “We’re just focusing on what we have to do this offseason and coach Ryan has assured me he is healthy and ready to go. When 2014 rolls around – no pun intended – we’ll worry about Rex’s health. Or perhaps not because, let’s face it, by that time he’ll probably be defensive coordinator for whichever team his brother is head-coaching.”
The casualties are still being tallied from an early-morning attack on the New York Jets' draft war room, but at least 25 scouts and personnel staff members are dead, and the team's draft plans are in tatters.
"It's complete chaos down there," said NFL Network draft analyst Mike Mayock. "There are bodies and blood everywhere. Limbs blown off. People screaming. They don't know even know if they want to pick Jared Odrick or Terrence Cody anymore. They could draft a running back."
Survivors say the attack likely would have killed many more, but scores of employees dived behind head coach Rex Ryan and were protected from the blast. No group has taken credit for the attack, but it is presumed that the New England Patriots are responsible.
With the draft just around the corner, the team is desperately trying to pull together in time to bring in another strong class. Ryan picked through the still smoldering war room this afternoon, looking for scouting tapes and player profiles that could be salvaged.
"Goddammit!" he yelled, kicking aside a severed arm still clutching a clipboard. "Where's our file on Jahvid Best?"
The team says it will wait to bury, or even recover, the bodies of its dead until after the three-day draft is over. The families of the fallen understand.
"It's what Pete would have wanted," said Cheryl McClintock, wife of the team's chief Big Ten scout, Pete McClintock. "The attack is in the past. These draft picks are the future. He loved football so much, which is why me and the kids only saw him a week or two out of the year. I know his dying wish would have been to still hold the draft. And also to draft Jared Odrick. That kid has a great motor."
One day after signing LaDainian Tomlinson to a two-year, $5 million contract, the Jets received some bad news from their new running back: Tomlinson, exhausted from jet lag after flying back and forth to and from San Diego, will skip the first two months of the season in order to “stay fresh.”
“This is just a minor setback for me,” Tomlinson told radio host Mike Francesca. “I’m feeling very tired from flying between San Diego and New York and obviously I’m going to be doing a lot more of those trips leading up to the season, so I really need to….oh, God, I’m tired … excuse me. Wow. I don't want to yawn. Where was I? Oh, so I really need to sit out for the first two months of the season. Could I play? I suppose it’s possible. But I don’t want to go out there and put myself at risk if I’m only 98 or 99 percent. I need to be 100 percent.”
Tomlinson, who has long battled the perception that he is fragile, said this latest physical sebtback has nothing to do with toughness.
“I am tough. That's not a question,” he said. “It’s not even really an injury. I’m just a little zonked that’s all. Tired. Groggy. And if I play that way, it couldleadto an injury. So instead of being ‘fragile’ and missing time due to injury, I am working to prevent injuries from happening. What are people not understanding here? It's quite simple.”
Jets players are privately voicing their frustration with the Tomlinson signing, especially since locker room-favorite Thomas Jones was cut to make room for him. Jones was seen as a warrior who would play through injuries, while Tomlinson is seen as a big fairy.
“Thomas Jones would never sit out because of jet lag. Thomas Jones wouldn’t sit out for a dislocated shoulder,” said one player. “And now his replacement is holding himself out of the first two months of the season? This isn’t how you win a ring. Well, since I’ve been a Jet my whole career I guess I really have no idea how to win a ring, but I’m assuming this isn’t how you do it.”
Tomlinson is slated to return in early November, leaving the Jets without their main free agent pickup for half the season. Head coach Rex Ryan, however, says the team is not concerned about the injury and was not surprised to hear about it.
“LaDainian Tomlinson has some ailment. This is not news,” Ryan said today. “We all know when we signed him that he would miss some time. That’s LaDainian. He’s not exactly Jim Brown, but when he is in the game he’s a force to be reckoned with, especially if he’s running behind a good offensive line and it’s five years ago.”
Let's focus on the keys to the game for each team in Sunday's conference championship games.
3:05 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-7.5)
>>> Colts key to the game: Limit the destructive influence of Donald
"Goddamit, Donald! What the hell are you thinking?"
"How could you not expect our left tackle to get beaten immediately by legendary Ravens linebacker umm it says here that No. 95 on Baltimore roster is Jarret Johnson. How could you not expect that?! It's Jarret Johnson! He's great! You've ruined the play, Donald. You've ruined EVERYTHING. If Marvin Harrison was still here, I'd have him shoot you right in your stupid face."
>>> Jets key to the game: Help Mark Sanchez
Yes, the Jets can't put the game in Mark Sanchez's hands. That's obvious. But he needs way more help than that. Let's start with his diet. Check out this article from the New York Post:
"10 things you didn't know about Mark Sanchez:"
"6. Eats at Taco Bell every chance he gets."
What the? Taco Bell?! Sanchez's great-grandparents moved to the United States from Mexico. He probably grew up around great, authentic Mexican food. And he likes to eat at Taco Bell???
This is not good. Not good at all.
Take a look at this Twitter post from John Calipari. Olive Garden?! Really? Olive Garden? An Italian guy digging Olive Garden.
We have a serious problem on our hands. Americans with Mexican heritage love Taco Bell. Americans with Italian heritage love Olive Garden.
Jeez. I'm more ethnic than these guys.
My pick: Indianapolis***
6:45 p.m. ET
Minnesota at New Orleans (-3.5)
>>> Saints key to the game: Get the ball to Reggie Bush
Bush finally exploded in New Orleans' divisional round win against the Cardinals. So the Vikings have had to come up with a game plan for how to stop him. So far it doesn't sound like the have much:
"We'll have a plan that doesn't involve us pooping our pants." Chris Kluwe, P, Vikings
Sooooo I guess that's a place to start. Be on guard, Bush. If the Vikings realize that they can still poop themselves, only after removing their pants, allowing the poop to fall onto the field, which will then cause you to slip and fall on their feces as you cut across the field, you are doomed. It's Football 101.
>>> Vikings key to the game: Try to be less loathsome
As though rooting for Brett Favre to fail wasn't enough, there's your stupid dome, your stupid Viking horn, your pederast coach and your douchebag defensive lineman. Then you inspired Prince to compose the worst song ever. Oh, wait. Breaking news. This just in. Prince's song somehow isn't the worst song ever. It's this one (h/t KSK):
Sweet Lord. In all of that FAIL, the worst part may be at the 1:00 mark. Oh. Wow! You hit Drew Brees after he got a pass off. That's the best clip you could pull from Madden, a game you have full control over? Yeah, this is a fan base used to failure.
One last thing. Despite all I said about the Vikings and their fans, please refrain from making personal attacks about the people in that video. They can't help the way they look. And they don't even look that bad. The lead singer doesn't even have man boobs. At least I don't think he does. Man boobs don't sit that high. I think those are collarbone tits. Very rare. Cherish them.
My pick: New Orleans
New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan is trying to work his psychological magic again by declaring his team the heavy favorites for the World Series.
"We need to think big," says Ryan. "People might laugh at us, doubt us. But they don't know how good we are. This team is full of tough, amazing athletes."
Ryan says his team's toughness will give them the edge over any baseball team.
"CC Sabathia might have a hard fastball, but let's see how hard he throws after Bart Scott lays him out walking off the field," said Ryan. "Also, we have Mark Sanchez. All of those Dominicans are great at baseball. He just needs to work on his sliding."
Sanchez, the Jets rookie quarterback, was born in California and is of Mexican descent. He hasn't played baseball since Little League when he was 12, but appreciates his coach's confidence.
"I trust Coach Ryan because he trusts in me," says Sanchez. "It's great to know he thinks I can have success in another sport. A few weeks ago when I was really struggling and our fans were yelling stuff like 'Go get another job, you Puerto Rican!', I was worried about my future. Not now."
Ryan says he is just trying to prepare his team for their playoff game.
"It's all about confidence," he said. "I'm not a moron. I know we're not going to win the Super Bowl. But when we lose, I can tell them they went farther in the NFL playoffs than any baseball team ever. That's something to be proud of."
January 8, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
The Cincinnati Bengals are hard at work preparing for their upcoming playoff game against the New York Jets but are having trouble finding someone shitty enough to play QB Mark Sanchez in practice, says Coach Marvin Lewis.
So far, the closest they’ve been able to come to mimicking Sanchez poor decision-making, terrible footwork and inaccurate passing has been offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski’s 13-year-old son.
“It’s been a challenge,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Sanchez is a unique player and it’s very difficult to simulate his particular skill set. We tried using our backup quarterback, J.T. O’Sullivan, but even he possesses a rudimentary knowledge of coverage schemes and blitzes, so he wasn’t the right fit. Right now it’s up to Timmy Bratkowski, who has a fairly similar skill set, though he’s not as much of an airhead.”
Aside from O’Sullivan, the Bengals tried using receiver Chad Ochocinco, fullback Jeremi Johnson, and left tackle Andre Whitworth, but none could match the unique combination of confusion and clumsiness Sanchez has displayed during his rookie campaign.
“Chad was a bit too athletic and aware to play Mark,” said Lewis. “And Jeremi, our fullback, had too accurate an arm. Andre was the closest because he had terrible pocket presence and a frantic, confused demeanor, but he still wasn’t dumb enough to stare down every receiver he threw to. But we knew this was going to be challenging going into it. The one thing we have in our favor is that Mark throws about three passes a game.”
If all else fails, Lewis has suggested blindfolding O’Sullivan and binding his feet together.
“It’s something we’ve thought about,” he said. “But in the end, we’re probably just going to stick with Timmy and take our chances. Everybody basically knows how to defend Sanchez anyway. You load up against the run, take away the short pass, and leave Braylon Edwards wide open in the end zone, praying that he throws it to him.”
Some Bengals players have suggested a different way to simulate the Mark Sanchez experience at quarterback.
“Have somebody stand there and hand the ball off,” said Chad Ochocinco. “That’s all you have to do. We don’t really need to ‘prepare’ for their passing game because it’s basically non-existent. Which reminds me – our quarterback hasn’t been so hot this season either. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Jets were using Mark Sanchez to simulate Carson Palmer.”
New York Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez, the toast of the town not long ago, has reportedly gone almost four hours without being serviced sexually by an attractive woman.
"This continues to be an adjustment period for him," said head coach Rex Ryan. "He just needs to take care of his job on the field, and soon the continuous parade of tail will pick back up. I mean, he's still hot, regardless of the interceptions, am I right?"
Sanchez's dry spell came while he was sleeping. But that's no excuse, says the rookie.
"Back in September, I had women models, working supermodels waking me up a few times a night to orally service me," he said. "Now a normal night is sex with some reality star. And I'm not even talking crazy stuff. Just normal sex. Like, Kellen Clemens sex."
Ifthere's a silver lining to the slump, it might be that the extra sleephas allowed Sanchez to rest up, which couldproduce results on the field.
"I've had Marktalk to some veterans around the league like Tom Brady and they all say that if you produce on the field, the sex will take care of itself," said Ryan. "And then I've had himtalk to other guys, like Matt Leinart, and he says thatyou can still get tail, it will just be fat and ugly.Like me in a wig.I don't think Mark wants to go down that road."
Sanchez just wants to get back to winning.
"It's all about the wins and losses," he said. "I don't care about stats. And neither do the women I sleep with. They don't care about quarterback rating. They just want to know they're having a three-way with a winner."