"I am as shocked as anyone, trust me," said Sanchez. "Every day I stay employed as a quarterback is both a blessing and a total and complete surprise. I am also kind of stunned that the Jets are still considered a professional football team."
The Jets had signed veteran quarterback David Garrard earlier in the offseason and drafted Geno Smith in the second round of the NFL Draft, further crowding an already muddled quarterback situation on the team.
"I had an idea that my days were numbered, considering that they wouldn't put me on the field at all last year," said Tebow. "But holy shit, how does Mark Sanchez still have a job? And, yes, I just cursed for the first time in my life. It seems 100-percent appropriate in this situation. Mark Sanchez? Guy fking sucks."
He's the next Mel Kiper, Jr.
Picture Tim Tebow: Now on Clearance
They put the sticker over his face because he's crying.
"It's just not something I wanted to do," said Grainger. "I hope there are no hard feelings, but being seen with Mark Sanchez in public in 2013 is about the most humiliating thing I can imagine. Being seen with any Jets player, I just I would never live it down."
Sanchez had sent the 17 year-old several letters asking to take her to prom and also posted a YouTube video in which he said going with her "would be a dream come true and make him the happiest player on the New York Jets."
In place of Sanchez, Kara will go to the prom with her on-again, off-again boyfriend Kyle, a C-student waiting to see if he will get accepted to Rutgers.
"Kyle isn't exactly anyone's idea of a dream date," she said. "But at least he's not seen nationally as symbol of failure. I can't imagine the things people would say to me if I went with Sanchez. 'Hey, Kara, don't let him fumble your butt tonight.' So embarrassing."
"Yeah, me and that fat shitstain of a twin brother of mine, Rob, are going to hang out this weekend," said New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "We'll probably shoot some pool, go to Hooters and maybe fire up the ol' Nintendo."
Rex Ryan says he had a Nintendo at his "bitchin' pad" back when he was defensive coordinator at Morehead State from 1990 to 1993.
"Late 20s, one bedroom apartment in Morehead, Kentucky, cable TV with the nudie channels, a Nintendo," he said. "Yeah, I was living the life. My dickhead brother was at Tennessee State then and he'd pop over on free weekends and we'd go all out on Tecmo Bowl from morning to night."
Rob Ryan says the Harbaugh brothers are getting all the coaching attention right now, but he knows the Ryans are the best.
"You want to know how I knew I was the best defensive mind in the game?" asked the unemployed Rob Ryan, sitting shirtless on his brother's couch. "I beat Rex one day and he had Bo Jackson and the Raiders."
They gave us a new word, buttfumble, and countless laughs.
"I think I've seen all I need to see from Mark after this week," said Ryan. "He might not be the answer at quarterback. It's time to maybe give Tim a shot to start."
Ryan said he informed Tebow on the sidelines as the final seconds ticked away on the Jets' season that he would be promoted to starter.
Tebow reportedly responded by saying, "You really make me want to say curse words."
Bears: Jay Cutler's locker room ash tray
Bengals: Andy Dalton's soul
Bills: a sandwich bag full of Ryan Fitzpatrick's shorn beard hair
Broncos: two free Papa John's pizzas (cheese only)
Browns: whatever is left in the fridge in Mike Holmgren's old office
Buccaneers: an old pit-stained Rutgers t-shirt owned by Greg Schiano
Cardinals: John Skelton and Ryan Lindley
Chargers: the Eli Manning Chargers' 2004 draft jersey
Chiefs: one game-used football (lightly used, mostly punted)
He wants to make turnovers illegal.
The quarterback understandably sounded despondent in the post-game locker room and took considerable blame for his continued poor play. Social media also tore the quarterback to shreds, but perhaps the harshest critique of Sanchez came on his Wikipedia page, which was edited late Monday night with dozens of anti-Sanchez updates.
Sanchez's place of birth was changed to Stinktown, USA. His weight was edited to "approximate weight of one turd." Under the "Career highlights and awards" headings, three entries were added:
- 4-time NFL's Suckiest Suck Who Ever Sucked Award winner
- voted Most Likely to Just Chuck One Up Into Triple Coverage; and
- named Guy Who Should Have Listed to Coach Carroll and Stayed Another Year at USC, I'm So Screwed Now My Career is Over, My Endorsements Are Gone, I Suck, I'm Done and I'm Only 26, Oh God, I'm the Worst
The edits in the body of Sanchez's page were far less complimentary, and most of those contain too many profanities to reprint.