Filed Under » New York Giants

The New York Giants medical staff came back from another round of tests on quarterback Eli Manning this morning unsure if the signal caller is experiencing symptoms of a concussion or just being his regular stupid self.

“It’s tough to say at this point”, said team doctor Mike Woolcott. “We’ve been asking him simple questions that any human being with a below average IQ would know –What’s your name? Where are you? Who’s the president? – and he answered them all incorrectly. The problem is we’re pretty sure he didn’t know those answers before the hit.”

Doctors say that on Monday afternoon Manning was absent-mindedly walking into walls and saying nonsensical things, but no one on the staff seemed to notice or care.

Explained head coach Tom Coughlin, “Eli skips down the halls singing ‘Im A Little Teapot’ all the time, so this is nothing new for us. In fact, I’d say the best indication that he suffered a head injury would be if he wasn’t acting like a two year-old.”

The Giants plan to continue monitoring the quarterback, just like they normally do due to his habit of licking electrical outlets.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve been confused by an athlete’s behavior,” added Coughlin. “In 2008 we assumed Jared Lorenzen’s weight was due to him being lazy and eating all the time, so we tested him for marijuana every day. Turns out he was just a fat f*ck.”

Eli: Hey! Everybody! There’s ketchup on my face. How did I get ketchup on my face?!

Trainer: That’s not ketchup Eli.

Eli: Is it strawberry jam? I like strawberry jam.

Trainer: No. It’s not strawberry jam either.

Eli: Well what is it? I’m hungry for a snack now. Mom said I couldn’t eat before the game because I’d get a tummy ache. Do you have any Lunchables?

Trainer: Not right now. I have to take care of your head.

Eli: What’s wrong with it?

Trainer: Well, Eli. I don’t know how to tell you this, but … your head is bleeding. Your head is covered in blood, not ketchup or strawberry jam.

Eli: Blood?

Trainer: Yes.

Eli: What’s blood?

Trainer: Well … it’s a liquid that circulates through your arteries and veins and brings oxygen and nutrients to tissue.

Eli: Ketchup has nutrients.

Trainer: Yes. I suppose it does.

Eli: Can I have a snack now?

Trainer: Not yet. I’m still working on your head.

Eli: I’m glad it’s blood and not ketchup. I spilled a plate of fish sticks last week and got ketchup all over the carpet. Mom didn’t let me watch Dora. Can you tell her that this is blood and not ketchup?

Trainer: Sure.

Eli: Can I have a snack now?

Trainer: Almost. I just have to finish these stitches. I have to say, Eli, you’re being very brave about this! You’re becoming a big boy!

Eli: Thanks. That’s what my mom said when I woke up this morning and found mayonnaise in my Toy Story underwear.

Umm …

Unstoppable. White liquid shooting at Eli Manning's face is.

Is this better or worse for the Giants than Plaxico Burress getting shot in the leg?

Shouldn't be long now until Eli is the official endorser of this.

Little Eli Manning threw a tantrum on the Manning Family's living room floor Christmas morning after all the gifts were opened and he realized he wasn't getting the one present he told Santa he wanted most — a new Plaxico Burress.

"I want a Plaxico! AHHHHHHHH!" Manning screamed, crying and kicking and pounding at the floor. "AHHHHHHHHH! I want one NOW! Gimme a Plaxico!"

The boy's mother, Olivia, tried to calm her son by saying he might be able to get a Plaxico next year with early parole.

"Honey, I told you that you might not get a new Plaxico this year, sweetie," she said, rubbing Eli's back as tears streamed down his face. "I know it's hard for you to not have your Plaxico. But look at all the great stuff you got — a Zhu Zhu pet, some trucks, a sweater, a Domenik Hixon. It's not all bad."

But the youngest Manning could not be consoled.

"I wanted a Plaaaaaaxico-o-o-o," he sobbed, barely getting the words out through his tears. "I wanted to throw the ball way into the air and have him catch it. All my receivers are short."

Thankfully Eli finally stopped crying after his big brother Peyton let him play with his Austin Collie for a while.

The life of a modern professional athlete seems glamorous. Money, fame, women. But it's also very easy to shoot yourself.

If you are a professional athlete and suddenly find yourself the victim of a self-inflicted gunshot wound like Plaxico Burress or Vicente Padilla, what should you do?

1. Consider shooting someone else. You've just shot yourself. You're probably in a panic. And a great deal of pain. And quite embarrassed, too. I mean, you shot yourself. Your thoughts will be going a million miles an hour. But you need to calm down for a second and think. Is your gun still beside you? Yes. Is there anyone else near you? If so, shoot them, too. Really. Do it. Consider the facts: Plaxico Burress is imprisoned for shooting himself. Bob Knight and Dick Cheney? Both free. And they shot other people while "hunting." The message is clear: it's far better to "accidentally" shoot someone else than it is to accidentally shoot yourself. Just tell the cops that you saw a pheasant run behind your victim and you'll be golden.

2. Collect evidence. Not for some kind of cover up. You have nothing to hide. You were hunting, right?! (By the way, in case you don't know and in case someone asks, a pheasant is a medium-sized game bird.) No, you need evidence for eBay. Can you imagine if Plaxico Burress had auctioned off swatches of his blood-soaked sweat pants? He would have made a fortune. And then he could have afforded to hire a much better attorney than the one that he had.

3. Get to the hospital — Shooting yourself is serious. It's no laughing matter. Well, it is a laughing matter. In fact, it's kind of hilarious. But only for everyone else. Not you. Anyway, at the hospital you'll want to get fixed up. And do your best to get the doctor to prescribe you some steroids for "muscle regeneration" in the limb you shot. Your league won't suspend you for steroids use if they've been prescribed by a doctor. This gunshot just might give your career new life! Well done!

4. Apply for a gun license — Yeah, I'm just going to assume you didn't have one. But you're going to want to be able to produce a gun license when the cops show up. A little bribery should get you one. The person at the licensing office is a state employee. They make crap money. A few thousand in cash should be enough for them to backdate your license. If they really drive a hard bargain, offer the piece of clothing that shows the bullet hole. That would have earned the most on eBay.

5. Call your agent — Agents don't just help you negotiate your contract. They provide other services, too. Remember that time he disposed of that dead prostitute for you? Really, you don't? It was in 2003 after the first round of the playoffs, you were at the Tropicana, she got mouthy and … oh, okay,now you remember. Yeah, that dead prostitute. Anyway, agents can be a big help in situations like this.

6. Go public — Okay. All of your bases are covered. It's time to leak the story to the press. Who is the most friendly reporter that you know? No, it's not necessarily that one female reporter who clearly wants to hook up. What about the team beat writer who cheats on his wife during every road trip? Yeah, he's your guy. Call him, tell him what happened, hint that you know about his extramarital activities, and then say: "I know you'll do the right thing with this story." In tomorrow's paper you're going to be portrayed as the hero in an epic gun battle for the very survival of freedom.

7. Start a charity — Charitable people, even charitable people who are packing heat, are loved by the general public. So a few days out from the incident, once you have stopped bleeding completely, you'll want to hold a press conference. At the end of the press conference, announce that you are starting a charity to help athletes who are victims of gun violence. Specifically, from their own guns. It will be a small charity to start. But, trust me, the numbers of those in need will continue to grow rapidly. Athletes are getting bigger, not smarter.

The best part of the NFL playoffs last year was the Steelers winning the Super Bowl. But that's because I'm a Steelers fan.

For everyone else, the best part of the playoffs was the Giants losing because it gave us this pathetic Giants fan crying about their loss.

(Original YouTube video of that display here. NSFW language.)

Comedy Central's Tosh.0 caught up with this lard-encased 4-year-old girl to see how it is emotionally some nine months after Lil' Elisha and the Giants were eliminated by the Eagles in the first round of the playoffs.