Filed Under » New York Giants

Forrest Gump, the naive, slow-witted, Southern simpleton and starting quarterback of the New York Giants, has accomplished another remarkable feat by winning his second Super Bowl.

"He may not seem like the brightest bulb, but there's a goodness to him," said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. "And I love him for it. I wish more people were as quote-unquote 'dumb' as he is. The world would be a better place."

Gump was a star football player in the SEC, a war hero, a shrimp fishing company executive and has met two presidents. He also remarkably didn't get AIDS from his whorish longtime love, Jenny. Now he joins a select company of NFL quarterbacks who have won two Super Bowl titles.

"I can't believe we lost twice in the Super Bowl to a goddam retard," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

But it's mean-spirited comments like Belichick's that Gump has let roll off his shoulders, or were simply not heard by his doltish brain, throughout his life.

"My mama Olivia always says: 'Life is like a box of chocolates,'" Gump said on the podium after being named MVP. "I hope this trophy is made of chocolate," he added and then attempted to take a bite, breaking a tooth.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning says he is enjoying his time in Indianapolis in the lead up to Super Bowl XLVI, but has found the "quality of whores here to be quite lacking."

Despite his humble, aw-shucks reputation, Manning admitted to media members on Wednesday that he has a "bit of a soft spot for hookers. Everyone has a vice. Mine is paying women for sex. I don't feel a need to apologize for it. If anyone should apologize, it's the City of Indianapolis for the low-level ass they're putting out there."

Eli said he began dabbling in the sex business at an early age.

"My brothers were older than me, so they had girlfriends before I did," he said. "But I wanted to be as big as them. And when you're in middle school in the early '90s, the only way to get sex was to pay for it."

Manning says he doesn't usually have discriminating tastes when it comes to night-walkers — "fat ones, skinny ones, toothless, trannies, orgies, I don't care. But I expected there to be some better quality options here for the biggest event in sports. You know, some high-end escort types. It's disappointing, but I'll try not to let it impact my play on the field."

Former New York Giants wide receiver David Tyree failed to show up for work on Monday afternoon at the Best Buy in Paterson, N.J., because he was scheduled to appear on a local sports radio show in Peoria, Ill.

"You have to strike while the iron is hot," said Tyree, who hasn't caught an NFL pass since his "helmet catch" helped the Giants upset the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. "I learned that here at Best Buy. If a new line of phones come out, you sell them fast before something newer comes out."

Tyree's failure to show for work on Monday disappointed his shift manager, Kenny Gregson, who said he is glad all of his employees don't quit to go celebrate their smallest athletic achievements.

"First of all, I highly doubt he's some Super Bowl hero from four years ago," said Gregson. "If he was, he'd still be playing in the NFL and definitely wouldn't be working here. Plus, he supposedly caught one pass on his head? Big deal. I caught two touchdown passes in freshman football in high school, yet I showed up for work today, didn't I? It's dedication like this that earned me shift manager for the closing crew."

Following in the footsteps of Metta World Peace and Chad Ochocinco, Giants quarterback Eli Manning became the latest athlete to legally change his name, adopting the new moniker "Elite Manning."

"Well, the full name is Elite BetterThanPeyton Manning, but you can just call me Elite," Manning announced in a news conference Wednesday morning. "Or Mr. Elite. No, you know what. Just 'Elite' is fine."

Manning said he got the idea to change his name after Sunday's win against the 49ers, in which he helped lead the Giants to the Super Bowl for the second time in five seasons. After the game, many in the media said the younger Manning had cemented his place among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL, and Manning wanted to make sure that would never change.

"You know how people say 'you can't spell elite without Eli'? Well, you sure as hell can't spell it without Elite. And that's what I am: an elite… oh, you know what, call me Captain Elite. Yeah, I like that."

Sporting dark sunglasses and a diamond-encrusted gold chain with an "ELITE", Manning said his new name was just representative of his play as a quarterback, but of a full-on attitude change designed to convey his elite status 24/7. Most members of the media remained unimpressed.

New York Giants backup quarterback David Carr stumbled upon Eli Manning this morning in the team's locker room bathroom and was shocked by what he saw.

"Eli was standing there in front of the mirror, going through all of his faces — sad, depressed, confused, frustrated, crushed from the blindside, crushed in his face — all of them," said Carr, who went undetected by Manning. "I'm starting to think it's all an act."

Manning admitted as much when he was confronted later by head coach Tom Coughlin, who had been alerted of the incident by Carr.

"Yes, of course I make it on purpose," said Manning of ManningFace. "Do you really think someone could go through life making such ridiculous facial expressions and be completely unaware of it all? No way — unless they have some sort of mental disability, of course, which I do not. Let's just make that clear. I have an above-average IQ. The faces are an act, okay?"

Manning said he began making absurd faces during games in middle school to make the sport more fun.

"Football has been drilled into me since I was a little kid by my dad," said Eli. "Sometimes I didn't like it and wanted to do other things. But I finally decided: 'Fine, if I have to play, I'm going to look like an idiot doing it and there's nothing you can do about it.' Twenty years later, I feel like my faces have never been better. I've got more than a hundred, each one more pathetically hilarious than the next."