"I don't know. Who do you have hiding in your pants?"
You can't spell "D'oh!" without O.
Picture Not necessarily.
More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.
Who were the people who did and did not watch the game? Here's what Nielsen tells us.
Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)
Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)
the few remaining living fans of The Who
former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)
families of players
secret families of players
the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies
people with a mole fetish
Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)
those legitimately trying to find out who dat
non-sports fans who couldn't find the remote
WHO DIDN'T WATCH
Cooper Manning (couldn't get out of shift at Red Lobster)
Eli Manning (couldn't find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)
dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags
THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE FK IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!
Drew Brees' son (napping)
The Who (napping)
those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl
those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl
remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion
sports fans who couldn't find the remote
For the first time since Super Bowl XII the Super Bowl MVP will be shared. In 1978 Randy White and Harvey Martin of the Dallas Cowboys shared the award, and now the left and right nuts of New Orleans Saints' head coach Sean Payton have earned the honor.
"They stepped up huge for us," said Saints quarterback Drew Brees, who threw for 288 yards and two touchdowns in the win. "They don't get a lot of attention because they're hidden inside his pants, but we couldn't have won without them."
Despite being smaller than every player on the field at just 140 pounds apiece, Payton's testicles proved the difference in the game by calling for an onside kick to open the second half. This after going for it on 4th-and-goal and failing late in the second half. The Saints recovered the kick and scored their first touchdown of the game, taking the lead in the game.
"I don't know which one of them called for it, or if they made the decision together," said Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey. "But I wanted to hug his entire scrotum after we got the kick."
Indianapolis head coach Jim Caldwell said he could only tip his cap to Payton's nuts.
"We prepared for Drew Brees, we prepared for their running backs and receivers," he said. "But we couldn't contain his balls. They overwhelmed us."
With their newfound notoriety, Payton's testicles are expected to have numerous endorsement and adult film opportunities. But they are first headed to Disney World.
"My wife and I are taking a much needed vacation," said Payton. "My testicles still have some work to do."
SAINTS vs. COLTS (-5)
There's nothing that can be added to any analysis of these teams or this game at this point after two weeks of hype. Instead, let's take a look at some of the prop bets you should bet on.
Peyton Manning total passing yards will be an
Odd number (-115) / Even number (-115) Have you seen Peyton Manning? Dude is odd. Very odd. Any time you have a chance to put money on his oddness, do it.
Total pass attempts by Peyton Manning
Over 36.5 (-135) / Under 36.5 (+105) A Super Bowl is everything Peyton Manning has worked for his entire life. Do you honestly think he won't check to a passing play at every opportunity? That he won't much rather put the game in his hands over those of Joseph Addai or Goddammit Donald? This is an easy one.
Will Reggie Wayne score a TD in the game?
Yes (+110) / No (-140) He's Indianapolis' top receiver, they run a pass-happy offense and New Orleans' defense isn't all that great. Yes seems like a fairly safe pick. I just wish some sports book was offering odds on a Marvin Harrison Super Bowl TD. I could see him showing up and demanding one at gunpoint.
Total pass receiving yards by Jeremy Shockey
Over 28.5 (-135) / Under 28.5 (+105) This game could go either way. But there is one thing we know: Jeremey Shockey is a massive douchebag. He will do everything in his power to finish the game with 69 yards.
Team to make the most successful field goals in the game
Saints (+110) / Colts (-140) Garrett Hartley is a rookie. Matt Stover has been around longer and is the better kicker. So I'm taking him. Of course, saying a team will make the most successful field goals in a game doesn't say much for their chances of winning and is sort of a backhanded compliment. Like saying someone is a good kicker.
Will there be a safety in the game?
Yes (+800) / No (-1200) BOOM! Easy pick. I'm putting a fortune on this one. Have to be specific, Vegas, or seasoned gamblers like me will bankrupt you! Just because the safeties in this game will likely have receivers running right past them time and time again, does not mean they aren't safeties.
The coin toss will be
Heads (-115) / Tails (-115) Peyton Manning, Drew Brees. In a game featuring massive foreheads, it's likely the game will open Heads, too.
How many times will CBS show Kim Kardashian during the game?
Over 2.5 (-135) / Under 2.5 (+105) I'm going over, assuming this includes shots of the top of her head or her from behind.
How many times will CBS show Archie Manning during the game?
Over 4.5 (-210) / Under 4.5 (+170) I'm going over, assuming this includes shots of the top of his head or him from behind. (Hey, a guy who was that bad in the NFL has to earn his constant praise from the media somehow.)
Oh, right. And the game itself
My pick: Saints (and to win)
If you have seen any coverage leading up to Super Bowl XLIV between the Colts and the Saints, you may have noticed that former Saints quarterback Archie Manning father of Colts' star Peyton has apparently become an NFL legend. One of the greats.
It doesn't matter what you watch, you'll hear that Archie is the former "star quarterback of the New Orleans Saints." Interesting. Because he was terrible in the NFL. A complete disaster. Yet 25 years after his NFL career ended HE'S SUDDENLY A LEGEND!
How did this happen? Take heart, fellow lousy NFLers! You, too, can one day re-write history and become a star. Just follow Archie's Five Steps to Becoming an NFL Legend!
STEP 1: Have a great college career
Having a great college career lays the groundwork. Your supporters will say that because you were great in college, you are, therefore, great wherever you go after that. You may ask: How is this possible? I am past this stage. I am already in the NFL! Exactly. You wouldn’t have made it to the NFL without having a great collegiate career. Congratulations! You already completed step one. Everyone in the NFL is Archie Manning.
STEP 2: Suck, but for a bad team
The hardest part of being seen as a great NFL player is being great in the NFL. It’s quite difficult. It’s much easier to blow. Really, really blow. Like Archie Manning-in-the-NFL blow. The kind of blowing that produces, in 14 seasons, 125 touchdowns, 173 interceptions, a 55.2 completion percentage and a career quarterback rating of 67.1.
Due to playing like this, your team will suck. But let everyone think that you are incapable of succeeding ONLY because you are surrounded by such poor talent. See the subtle difference there? Yes, Archie Manning led 12 years worth of terrible Saints teams. But it’s only because he never had any good players in all those years. He was the victim! His obvious greatness was thwarted by those around him!Makes sense, right?! But wouldn't a truly great player at some point have led his inferior teammates to better things? Ridiculous! You're ruining the narrative.
STEP 3: Have your wife squeeze out a few quarterbacks
They will be your legacy. Use the time other players –- good players spend in the playoffs to lay some pipe.
STEP 4: Become part of the media
Everyone knows the media will never criticize one of their own. They just think it’s cool to hang out with someone who actually played football. To them, you’re one of the greatest NFL players who ever lived because you know their name!
STEP 5: Get your kids to the NFL
Mentor, mentor, mentor. Try to coach out of them all the many natural failings you passed on through your genes. Only one of them needs to have real success. The other one can be a mediocre dim-wit who luckily stuck a football to a guy's helmet while he was running away from a tackler in terror. By having a kid or two in the NFL, your dumbest and laziest of media members and fans will just assume the patriarch of such a family MUST have been awesome himself!
Congratulations! You’ve done it! By completing these five steps, you have miraculously transformed your failed NFL career into that of a legend! At least in the mind of the sports media and general public.
Someone forward this on to JaMarcus Russell. You can DO this, big fella!
If EA Sports is right, the Indianapolis Colts will hoist the Lombardi Trophy at the end of Super Bowl XLIV.
Using a video game simulation of Super Bowl XLIV with their football franchiseMadden NFL, the publisher predicts the Colts will defeat the New Orleans Saints 37-31 thanks to a crushing Drew Brees interception returned for a touchdown in the final minute. The turnover will be the fifth and final one by the Saints in a game that seemed destined they would lose, no matter how well they played.
"The Saints put forth a valiant effort with some flawless play-calling and outstanding execution," said EA spokesman Brian Noll. "But it seemed the computer had it in for them. You know how that is sometimes."
Brees' first interception of the game came on New Orleans' opening drive when the Saints went 64 yards to the Colts' 18-yard line in four plays. On the very next play, Brees spotted Marques Colston breaking open on a post pattern near the end zone and let the ball go. But, seemingly out of nowhere, Colts linebacker Gary Brackett leaped high into the air and caught the ball one-handed even though it was being thrown 12 yards downfield past him.
"A very impressive play. Almost inconceivable," said EA's Noll. "But guys step up in the Super Bowl."
The Colts responded three plays later. After being shut down for a total of two yards on their first two plays, Pierre Garcon caught the ball on a slant pattern and bowled over five Saints defenders on the way to an 86-yard touchdown.
The Saints then fumbled the ensuing kickoff, setting the Colts up for a 14-0 lead on a Peyton Manning touchdown pass that was lasered in to Reggie Wayne between three Saints' defenders in blanket coverage. Manning also appeared to have been hit a good second before he released the ball, but the blow did not affect the ball's perfect flight. New Orleans stormed back after that thanks to some determined play and eventually tied the score 31-31 but it was not meant to be.
"They had to know the computer wasn't going to let them win," said Noll. "It was that kind of game."
Brees' final interception came as New Orleans was driving into field goal range for a game-winning kick. At Indianapolis' 33-yard-line, Brees rolled out to his left and hit a wide open Reggie Bush on a screen pass. But the pass unexpectedly caromed off Bush high into the air, where it landed in the arms of Indianapolis' Jerraud Powers, who ran it back 70 yards for the game's decisive score as time expired.
"Even for a classic Madden computer screw job, it was hard to watch," said Noll.
These are the people who will be cheering on the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl XXIV: