"Obviously, my current situation has become the worst football job in the country at any level," said O'Brien. "I'm hoping that if I just show up at the first Patriots practice, they'll forget I ever left. I mean, technically, I haven't missed anything."
O'Brien's Penn State program was leveled with NCAA sanctions Monday, six months after taking the job in wake of Joe Paterno's firing.
"I think I kind of naively listened to Penn State's leadership when I took the job, believing that nothing much had happened," said O'Brien. "I never expected anything like this. I'm only 42 years old. I'm a young coach. I don't want to throw my whole career away because I stupidly accepted this job."
O'Brien made his statements wearing a Patriots logo t-shirt and shorts he pulled out of the bottom of his drawer.
Robert Kraft's office at Gillette Stadium. There is a knock at the door.
Sup, B-Kraf. Good to see you, my man.
Hey, Rob. Good to see you. [They do elaborate and awkward handshake.] Glad to see you could make it. You're a few hours late for our meeting.
Yeah. I know. I overslept. Then I nailed your secretary out there on her desk. She's a nice piece of ass, B-Kraf. You've done well for yourself. [They do another elaborate and incredibly awkward handshake.]
Well, I assume you've heard why I called you in here today.
No. I was thinking we were getting our morning drink on.
No. Although it's along those lines.
You've had quite an offseason. Nudity, drunkeness, partying, game shows, women of all kinds. General douchery.
It has indeed been awesome.
And that's on top of the thing with the porn star last season.
No doubt, bro. Best year ever.
Well, I just want to make sure it doesn't get out of hand.
Come on, brah, sir. Are you saying I have to stop?
No. I'm not saying that. But I want to make sure you know where to stop.
Okay. Where is that? You mean pull out? Because I do that most of the time already.
Gronkowski had sex at 9 and got his first VD at 10. Because he's cool.
Report: Tom Brady also likes boobies.
Yeah, a guy would get beaten up with that hairdo in Boston.
News Tom Brady's Father: "I would be very hesitant to let my son out of the house dressed like that"
"I love my son and all of the pride, joy, and money he's brought to this family," said the elder Brady. "But I just don't understand some of the choices he's been making these last few years. I've been married for a while now, too, so I get that they're not necessarily his 'choices,' but for the love of God, does he have to wear these ridiculous outfits? Show some stones and be a man, boy!"
After a 20-minute rant about Mrs. Brady's penchant for making him cancel his golf plans, the elder Brady requested a refill of his bourbon on the rocks and continued.
"Tom and I have a very special relationship. When he was a kid, I never pushed him too hard when it came to football, but he always knew that getting the same haircut as the current hot pop-star or wearing women's shoes would never fly in my household," said Mr. Brady.
Spilling the drink as it was handed to him, Tom, Sr. then proceeded to change out of his pleated Dockers slacks and put on a pair of elastic-ankled sweatpants while repeating the phrase "I don't care how comfy they are, mate. They's for sheilas," in a British accent that was most likely meant to be Australian.
"You know who never put his hair in a ponytail? Johnny Unitas," Mr. Brady asked and answered before giving anyone else a chance to chime in. "You know who never posed for GQ? Johnny Unitas. You know who never lost two Lombardi trophies to Eli Manning? Johnny Unitas."
Each time you think he's hit bottom, he gets and even worse stylist.
Postseasons and offseasons are the times he likes to humiliate himself the most.
So would America, Rob. This is not news.