He'll be okay. Tiny people have tiny nerves.
That lady has a mouth on her. Hot.
Frustration with the NFL's replacement officials reached a fever pitch Sunday night when referee Carl Howard accidentally got in the way of a Joe Flacco pass in the end zone. Howard picked up the ball and then signaled for a touchdown, crediting himself with a key score in the Baltimore's 31-30 win.
Patriots' coach Bill Belichick immediately threw a challenge flag, but after a 17-minute conference with his fellow officials, Howard explained that the ruling on the field could not be challenged because Howard's forward progress was stopped at the time he scored the touchdown.
"It's one thing for them to not understand the rules," Belichick said. "But making up rules on the spot rules that allow THEM to score touchdowns is insane."
Howard normally works as a manager at a local Hardee's and serves as a volunteer referee for a pee-wee league. This was just his third NFL game, and he admitted that the nuances of the league's complex rulebook have been slow to come.
Howard's touchdown was the most egregious mistake on a night that saw the Patriots flagged twice for "excessive running" and the Ravens have a field goal waved off due to "illegal hands to the hips".
He's been spending too much time with Rob Gronkowski.
Pro Tip: Don't do rough drafts with tattoo needles on people's skin.
It's hard to hold onto the ball when your hands are covered in lube.
Don't pick on a scab.
They're small everywhere.
"I've seen hot pieces of ass in the stands at every game I've ever played," said the third-year pro. "I don't want to miss an opportunity to show them the goods. I've got bigger things going on than just some football game, if you know what I mean. Having sex with girls especially ones with big titties is what I mean. Okay. Wasn't sure if you got it, bro."
Per NFL uniform rules, Gronkowski will not be allowed to play without a jersey, but he says that won't be a problem.
"Oh, yeah? There are rules about the uniform? Damn, they thought of everything," he said. "No matter, though. No matter. Who's gonna say no to The Gronk? Chicks don't, so Goodell won't either. I mean, look at these pecs go. Boom boom boom boom boom. Jeah!"
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick wasn't pleased to hear about Gronkowski's shirtless plan.
"Gah, what a stupid asshole," said Belichick. "He's a hell of a tight end and I love winning, but I would be totally fine if he caught syphilis from some porn star and died. What an idiot."
"Maybe, you know, I could torture them," said Belichick, sounding hopeful on the phone. "Nothing major. Just some waterboarding, maybe stabbing them with hot pokers, some light limb severing. For about a week. What do you say?"
"Well, I appreciate you wanting to get involved to help out," said Goodell. "But I don't think our situation with the refs really rises to the level of torture, you know?"
"So this is like you not being able to tell me to torture them until they accept your offer to protect you legally, but you still want me to do it, right?" replied Belichick.
"No. That is completely wrong," said Goodell. "I am saying 100-percent don't do it."
"Got it. Clear as day. You want me to torture them," Belichick added, hanging up but not before a scream was heard in the background.