Filed Under » New England Patriots

Last week, November 20th, I got the following e-mail from someone who claims to be a reader of the site. He has e-mailed again. See the update at the bottom …

Sportspickle,

I’ve read this web site for a long time. There is good stuff here. But you’ve got to get your head out of your ass with bashing the PATRIOTS. Understand what this team has accomplished and don’t be so jealous about it. You look dumb and its not funny.

2008. Everyone knows that if Tom Brady wasn’t hurt, the Patriots coast to the Super Bowl especially because he would have been motivated after losing the year before. This is an easy one.

2007. If that Super Bowl was played 1000 times the Pats would win 999 of them. Everyone knows they were the better team. Its like how the MVP doesn’t always go to the better team. Plus you can’t forget that the refs gave the Giants a ton of calls and some biased timekeeping didn’t give the Pats enough time at the end. Take that stuff away and it is 1000 of 1000.

2006. We all saw that game AFC title game against the Colts. Robbed doesn’t even start to describing it.

2005. The officiating against the Broncos = SO BAD! That Champ Bailey interception was ours. The Patriots easily beat the Steelers at home and then roll over the Seattle Seahakws.

2004. WE WIN IT ALL.

2003. WE WIN IT ALL.

2002. I honestly don’t remember much about this season. Maybe we weren’t the best team this year. I don’t know who was though. So no one can say it wasn’t us either. And I do know that no one wanted to play THE DEFENDING champs!

2001. WE WIN IT ALL.

2000. Tom Brady’s rookie year right here. If Bledsoe come sthrough and gets injured for us this year, you can more or less hand the Super Bowl title over to us.

That’s the whole decade. We won them all.

Now I want to go back a little bit more even.

1996. The Patriots go to the Super Bowl. If Bob Kraft had been smart enough to make Coach Belichick the head coach instead of Parcells, you know we probably win that game. All due respect to Parcells, but we win that game with Belichick. Bill is just better and smarter.

So now it’s like we have set this whole run of greatness back five more years. Belichick and the boy start it all up in 1996.

1997. We probably repeat. Bledsoe is no Tom Brady but these were his prime year s in here so with Belichick in toe, we win this.

1998. Same.

1999. Same. Also, if Tom Brady comes out of Michigan a year early as a junior, we definitely win it.

And now we are right back to 2000 with Brady winning it all as a rookie in the best season ever for a rookie QB. That is 13 years and what is it there – you want to say 10 titles or eleven? That is conservatively.

Then I can take you all the way back to 1985. We were in the Super Bowl again that year. People talk all about the Bears, but did you know that we were winning that game 3-0??? I have seen it on Espn Classic. The refs call that blatant holding on Chicago’s next drive and we get a stop there, the whole game changes. We could have easily won that game. Those were Tony Eason’s prime years to. With a win in that game, who’s to say we don’t get rolling back then and win a bunch more titles. I didn’t follow the Nfl as much back then, but you can definitely pencil us in for five or six more titles until we start wining them with Belichick and Bledsoe in the ‘90s. What other teams were there really? The 80’s were way down in the Nfl and we could have cruised.

So again (conservatively) we probably win 19 or 20 of the past 24 Super Bowls.

Do you have any idea how GREAT that is?????? Football is way more competitive than baseball and even the Yankees don’t’ have that many.

I understand the jealousy of the Patriots. We are the best. We have the most Super Bowl titles ever. And I’m not even counting the twenty since the 80’s here.

But please show some more respect and appreciation for what we’ve accomplished here. Your writing will be funnier without all the HATE.

Brian

UPDATE … November 25th.

I see you posted my letter on the site. Was that supposed to make fun of me? All it did was prove my point to a bigger amount of people beyond just you. I should say thanks to you. Your plan to laugh at me backfired.

btw- I should say that I talked to my cousin who has followed the Pats alot longer than I have and he said they probably wouldn't have won as many Super Bowl in the 80's as I gave them credit for. He agreed with me 110percent on everything else tho.

So put us down for 17 or 18 of the past 24 Super Bowls guaranteed instead of 20 or all of them. Irregardless of the way you slice it, WE ARE THE BEST.

Brian

Fourth quarter. 2:25 remaining. Yale with the ball and up by three points against their rival, Harvard, who they've lost six of seven to. Fourth-and-22. Yale on their own 26.

And … FAKE PUNT!

Failed fake punt. The Yale ball carrier was tackled at the 40, just eight yards short of the first down. Harvard gets the ball and wins the game three plays later on a touchdown.

But don't criticize Yale head coach Tom Williams just yet. You see, using Belichickian logic, you couldn't risk giving the ball back to Harvard, because their offense was really rolling in that they had put up … really? Just seven points to that point in the game?

Wow.

''The whole idea was to keep our foot on the pedal, and not play scared,'' said Williams, trying to explain the call. ''If anyone is looking for somebody to blame, blame this guy right here.''

Okay. We will. Not a problem there.

I'm guessing Yale was Williams' safety position after he couldn't get the head job at Harvard.

“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”

And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.

“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”

After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.

“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I'd risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”

With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.

“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I'm going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren't even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”

Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.

"If anyone speaks of this, you're cut and I'll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job," he said, laughing uproariously. "Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots."

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre announced today that longtime NFL linebacker Junior Seau is unretiring again to play for the New England Patriots. Favre made the announcement at a press conference held minutes after the quarterback heard the news on ESPN.

"This wasn't an easy decision for me," said Favre. "I thought long and hard about it and consulted my family. But in the end I realized that I love having press conferences and want to take any opportunity I can to get my face and name on television."

Seau retired from the San Diego Chargers in 2006 only to suit up with the Patriots that season. He came out of retirement again last year to play for New England.

"Junior keeps unretiring, but I'm the one who does that the most. Let's make that clear," said Favre. "When you talk about unretiring athletes, always mention my name first. That's the point of why I asked you all hear today. Don't let him bump me out of the press. And I'm at least playing full seasons. Junior isn't. And I'm 40. He's not. Oh? He is? Dangit. Well, I'm a gunslinger. What is he — a tackleslinger? That's not a thing."

With his Seau press conference at a close, Favre then began taking press conference requests from the gathered media.

"Do any of you need me to announce anything for you? An engagement? A car that's for sale? Anything at all?" said Favre. "I'd be happy to. Just make sure my name is in the headline."

Peter King of Sports Illustrated said this is the sort of things that makes the media so enamored with Favre.

"He held a press conference just to announce that they were out of dulce de leche coffee creamer in the media room," said King. "And he did it for me out of the goodness of his heart and for no other reason other than his heart's all-consuming desire for attention, as well as a promise from me that I would stroke him in my column for the remainder of the season. And I will. The creamer was refilled!"

The Denver Broncos sported throwback jerseys from their inaugural season in 1960. Their opponent, the New England Patriots, also wore old uniforms from their AFL days. Even the officials and team media personnel were in period garb. Yet the cost of things at Invesco Field did not hearken back to the old days. In fact, they seemed to come from some futuristic, hopeless world in which hyper-inflation had spiraled out of control.

"I paid $9.25 for one beer," said Broncos fan Jack Whitelock. "My dad says you could get season tickets for the upper deck for that much back in 1960."

"Worst attempt at recreating history I have ever seen," said Broncos fan Roger Wiltmore. "Colonial Williamsburg kicks this game's ass. I don't recall Jay-Z being played during timeouts in 1960. Nor do I recall there being nachos in 1960. Nor do I recall paying $6.75 for said nachos. My granddaughter in third grade did a diorama of the signing of the Declaration of Independence that was more accurate than what I just saw."

While fans were disappointed at having to pay $62.50 for tickets to see a single game, in addition to $10 for parking — "My entire monthly car payment was $10 back in 1960," said one enraged fan — the players were also upset about their role in the festivities.

"This has to be the No. 1 priority in our next collective bargaining agreement," said wide receiver Brandon Marshall. "No more making us dress up like clowns so the NFL can make money off of it. We have to take pride in ourselves as a union. We have to take pride in ourselves as humans. We have to maintain our dignity."

Broncos linebacker Elvis Dumervil says that if the league is going to have throwback games, they should go all in.

"Let's play with the old-time rules, too," says Dumervil. "You should have seen how the refs were protecting Tom Brady like he's some delicate little flower. Nah. Let me punch him in the throat five seconds after he throws a pass. That's how they used to do it back in the day."

But NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the throwback days are not created to make money on additional jersey revenue. He says they are designed to honor NFL players of the past and keep their memory alive.

"Bull crap," said 1960 Broncos lineman Eddie Holcutt. "I couldn't afford a ticket to get into the stadium. And then some guy outside was charging $125 for my own throwback jersey. My own jersey! If Goodell was commissioner back in 1960, more than his hair would be red. We'd make sure his whole face was covered in blood."

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs was flagged for emotionally roughing Patriots quarterback Tom Brady yesterday after a hit left the star quarterback feeling upset and unloved.

"I didn't care for that! I didn't care for that one bit!" snapped Brady, stomping his foot as he pulled himself up off the ground. Moments later, official Tom Winter threw a flag, penalizing Suggs and the Ravens for an infraction never before called in organized football.

"The new rules in place make our job very clear as officials," said Winter, explaining his call. "We are to protect the quarterback, especially star quarterbacks, and especially this star quarterback. Brady's injury last year is what prompted all of these rule changes."

Brady says Winter made the right call.

"I don't think people understand how hard it is to be me. I'm coming back from a knee injury, my team is struggling, I have one child out of wedlock, another child on the way, very high-maintenance dogs to take care of, I'm expected to look stylish all the time and I have the stress of physically satisfying a woman millions of men around the world would love a shot at. And then when someone tackles me, well …" he said, tearing up. "It can be very, very hard, okay? It can be very hard on my psyche."

Suggs said he had no intention of emotionally harming Brady, only sacking him and maybe creating a turnover.

"I wasn't trying to emotionally rough the guy," said Suggs. "Physically harming him would have been awesome, but all that touchy-feely emotional crap is what's killing football. I just wanted to maim the guy."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he will examine the emotionally roughing the quarterback call and evaluate how it should be called in the future.

"I know this is a tough judgment call for our officials," said Goodell. "And I don't want to make their job any tougher than it is already. So I think what we'll probably do is have Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Eli Manning all have the power to call this penalty themselves when they feel they have been emotionally harmed. That's the only way to accomplish the true goal and spirit of the new rules we put in place."

The New England Patriots promised today that they will never wear throwback uniforms again honoring the 1926 Boston Bulldogs after 14 players were killed, and more than 20 more were injured, during the team’s game on Monday.

“We will always honor and remember the proud history of football in New England,” said Patriots owner Robert Kraft, “but perhaps not wearing helmets and putting our players in minimal, antiquated pads was not the best way to do that. Still, they looked cool out there. At least before the carnage began.”

Two Patriots suffered fatal head trauma and one was decapitated on the opening kickoff, a bloody eight seconds that foreshadowed the remainder of the game.

“I wish the team would have at least worn leather helmets back then,” said Patriots head trainer Michael Fox. “That would have given me a sort of bucket to scoop up the brain chunks. But, no, I had to get down on my hands and knees and crawl around on the field looking for everything – lobes, gray matter, eyes. It was no fun.”

Packers linebacker Jerod Mayo escaped death, but was forced out of the game in the third quarter after suffering a broken pelvis and two dislocated shoulders.

“I don’t know if players were tougher back then or if they were wimps who played a pussified form of football that didn’t require helmets and pads,” he said. “I think it’s the latter and that today’s players are just faster and stronger. But I don’t want to think about it anymore because it hurts to think due to the four concussions I suffered.”

With 12 players dead at halftime, head coach Bill Belichick fired up the team with a speech urging them to use the memories of their fallen teammates as motivation for the second half.He also urged them to use their fallen teammates as protection.

“I used chunks of one guy’s skull – I’m not sure who’s, he wasn’t identifiable – to fashion myself a chest plate,” said wide receiver Randy Moss. "I'm used to gutting fish, so it was nothing to me. And then I made crude shoulder pads out of forearms bones and chunks of hair and skin. Needless to say, I didn’t get hurt at all in the second half. In fact, I might go with the bone, hair and skin shoulder pads again this week.”

Belichick said the game was hard to watch.

"I struggled. I did," he said. "It was hard to stand there and not laugh out loud. That was the most fun I've ever had coaching. Did you see the blood spurt out of that rookie's ear on the punt return? So awesome."

During a commercial break in last night's "Football Night In America" broadcast on NBC, new panelist Rodney Harrison rose from his seat and dove into the knees of fellow anchor Dan Patrick, seriously injuring the media personality.

"It's been almost a year now since I've been on a football field," said Harrison. "I miss hurting people. It was great to hit another man again when he's not expecting it."

Harrison said he felt Patrick was a good target because he is the approximate size of an NFL quarterback.

"Plus he dyes his hair. He had it coming," said Harrison. "I would have taken out Keith Olbermann, but that pussy probably would have tried to sue."

Patrick's left knee was horrifically twisted and he suffered a nasty gash on his shoulder from falling down off the set stage into the corner of a step.

"There is blood everywhere!" he boomed, his intense pain not affecting his broadcaster's voice. "You can't stop the blood, you can only hope to contain it! It burns! My shoulder is en fuego!"

Harrison says he hopes to take out more of his NBC colleagues as the season goes on.

"Peter King? Definitely. That guy is a total tool," he said. "Costas? I would break that dude in half. And even under the threat of a lawsuit, I'm still taking Olbermann down. That would be too fun. I bet his glasses would break. And he'd cry. Awesome."

But there is one colleague Harrison plans to avoid.

"Tony Dungy," he said. "Have you seen the eyes on that guy? Creepy. If I hurt him he'd probably put some weird voodoo, mind control thing on me. I'd have to hit him hard enough to kill him so he can't do his voodoo. And I don't know if I'm capable of that anymore. That's why I unfortunately had to retire from football."