"Dennis, are you sure this is how I do the Wave?"
It's true. He could be dead within minutes.
According to ESPN.com, Tebow has travelled separately to Kentucky for Florida's game today because he is ill. It's not the swine flu, they say. But they don't know what it is. (I say it's acute kryptonitis.)
But all we do know if that Our Lord And Savior Tim Tebow IS DYING! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Yeah, so we're doomed.
But, hey, Florida fans look on the bright side!
Your/our hero is dying, but you're still playing Kentucky. They suck. And the rest of your roster is still ridiculously stacked with talent. At the end of the day, you'll still be the No. 1 ranked team in the nation.
Everybody sing together!!!
Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver announced today that his team will wear a new blue and orange alternate jersey for the remainder of the season. Each jersey will also have the number 15 on it and the name "TEBOW" on the back.
"Many teams do throwback jerseys," said Weaver. "But our franchise hasn't been around very long. Our jersey is the same. I'm kind of looking at this as the first throw-ahead jersey. Well, hopefully."
As the Jaguars continue to fail to draw fans to their home games or generate much interest at all in north Florida, Weaver has recently expressed a desire to draft the Florida Gators star in a move he hopes will create a fan base for his team.
Current Jaguars quarterback David Garrard says he is not surprised by the move to the alternate Tebow jerseys.
"Wayne has been on this big Tebow push for weeks," says Garrard. "He'll call me at all hours of the day and say: 'Hey, David. What do you think about playing quarterback a bit more Tebow-y?' And I'll ask him what he means by 'Tebow-y.' And he says: 'You know awesome.'"
While reaction to the new jersey among Jaguars players is mixed, at best, Weaver says he has already noticed a huge increase in ticket sales for the next home game.
"We got three calls for single-game tickets before lunch today," he said. "One time, our receptionist even had to put someone on hold! That's never happened for us before. I'm even considering getting a second phone line in our ticket sales department."
Jacksonville's opponents also expect a noticeable change.
"I told my team that they don't look very good on film," said Gary Kubiak, head coach of the Texans, Jacksonville's next opponent. "But when they all take the field in those Tebow jerseys, they're going to be very intimidating. And they'll have God on their side, too."
Garrard, who says he realizes his days are probably numbered in Jacksonville, will try to be a good employee and grant his boss' wishes to play more "Tebow-y."
"I guess it can't hurt, you know?" says Garrard. "Tebow does win. But I'm not, under any circumstances, doing that jump-pass thing of his. That is beyond gay. I do have some self-respect."
News Who is Tate Forcier?
Two weeks ago, Michigan was shuffling between three quarterbacks. Now true freshman Tate Forcier is garnering Heisman consideration.
Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Tate Forcier.
Tate Forcier was born August 7, 1990 in San Diego. So the reason the true freshman was able to stay so calm in beating Notre Dame is because he has absolutely no recollection of a time that Notre Dame was ever any good. His youth allowed him to maintain a very rational and calm demeanor against his weak, yet highly-touted, opponent. Tate Forcier views Notre Dame's football program the same way someone a bit older might think of the football programs at Army, Harvard or the University of Chicago.
Forcier's reall first name is "Robert," but he took the name Tate from the movie "Little Man Tate," starring Jodie Foster, Dianne Wiest, and Harry Connick, Jr., because he is the youngest and smallest of three brothers. This is why when Forcier asks teammates if they want to watch some film, his teammates first make sure he means game film and not some crappy girl movie.
Forcier began working with Marv Marinovich when he was in third grade. Marinovich helped Forcier develop his arm strength and accuracy by having him hit his son with passes from 30, 40 and 50 yards each day while Todd was passed-out in the front yard.
The hottest new t-shirt in Ann Arbor is one that reads "The Forcier Is With Us" on the front. The second hottest new t-shirt in Ann Arbor? One that reads "He Tate Your Ass And He Tate Your Balls." The third is a shirt that reads "Rich Rod Made Me Practice 27 Hours Today And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt."
Forcier was rated the most accurate high school quarterback in the nation by Rivals.com. It really is a shame that Braylon Edwards is no longer at Michigan. It would have been a treat to see how he would have figured out a way to drop Forcier's passes.
Forcier and his brothers who also played college quarterback have a website called QBForce.com. The front page reads "Quarterback mostly comes down to SPEED: Ball Speed, Foot Speed, Decision Speed + Heart will put you over the-top and add MAGIC which very few athletes have (Not to be confused with dumb luck) you've got a Super-Star!" And then it goes on and on in a similar vein from there.So if you were watching the Notre Dame-Michigan game and thinking that Jimmy Clausen was the biggest douche on the field you may have been way wrong.
A day after Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow this year to invigorate the franchise's flagging fanbase, the Florida Gators quarterbacked reacted strongly.
"I am a big fan or murder. I do it a lot myself, in fact," said Tebow during a press conference broadcast only to the Jacksonville area. "I also enjoy interceptions. Many times I throw a football wildly into a playground, striking a child in the head and killing it. This hobby of mine combines my two great loves: murder and inaccurate passing."
Then Tebow really tried to show the Jaguars he's not the person they think he is and said the the first curse word of his life: "Farts!" he yelled. "Gosh golly farts! If I was an NFL team, I wouldn't draft me. I'm too big of a risk. Farts!"
At the same time Tebow was holding his Jacksonville-targeted press conference, representatives of the quarterback were contacting NFL front offices to inform them that his comments were merely a ploy to have the Jaguars lose interest in his services.
"Most of the teams I spoke to told me that this actually improves their impression of Tim," said Tebow's mother, Pam. "They want players who want to play for winners. They said anyone who doesn't want to play for the Jaguars is their kind of player."
Tebow said he thinks his press conference will be successful in keeping him away from Jacksonville. But he also admits he may have gone too far.
"Cursing felt so good," said Tebow. "I've been waiting my whole life to do something naughty. Farts! And now I have. Farts! And it feels amazing. Farts! Farts! Farts!"
The Gators star says he is fighting the urge to go to a nearby playground and throw a pass into a bunch of kids.
"I don't want to kill one," he said. "Just maybe make one of them cry. Maybe some blood. I think it would be fun. I'm just on such a high from doing something bad. I feel so free! Flatulence!"
Notre Dame's first loss only two weeks into the college football season has left NBC reeling just days before the fall network season is set to kick off.
"We were led to believe Notre Dame would be very good this year," said NBC president Jeff Zucker. "Charlie Weis was going around telling people they'd win 10 games. Their former coach, Lou Holtz, even said they'd go undefeated. I don't know what happened."
NBC will feature former Tonight Showhost Jay Leno's new show every weeknight at 10:00 p.m. this fall. Network executives had hoped to feature a new Notre Dame football game prior to Leno every night at 8:00 p.m. ET.
"We were going to revolutionize network broadcasting and, most important, save NBC a whole bunch of money," said Zucker. "We were going to do away with scripted dramas completely. No originality at all. That was the goal. Only Notre Dame, Leno, Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Fallon. Each night, every night."
But with the shine so quickly and decidedly off of Notre Dame football, NBC is now in a jam.
"I don't have a clue what to do," said Zucker. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to conceive and create compelling, well-written television dramas and comedies? It's hard. Really hard. I have never tried it, but my colleagues at competing networks tell me about it all the time."
Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis insists his team is still worthy of a prominent role on NBC.
"I really like the idea of us playing every weeknight," said Weis. "It would take some tweaking to our schedule, but if we are given 75 games this fall, I definitely think we can reach our goal of 10 wins."
If you follow politics at all, you know about the kerfuffle over South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson yelling out "You Lie!" during President Obama's address to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday.
But Joe Wilson is not just a politician lacking in social graces. He is much more.
Fast forward to the 2:10 mark and watch until the 2:25 mark.
Dah! Stupid MSNBC. This is why their ratings suck. They should have stayed with it until Rep. Wilson made his choice known. I would have bet big money (given to me by corporate lobbyists) on it!
By the way, the reporter who asked the question? None other than Luke Russert, son of the late Tim Russert. (Luke also reportedly asked a follow up question: "Do you think they can handle Georgia Tech's running attack?" No, really. He did.)
Obviously, Smallest Russ is a disgrace to his father's legacy. Tim Russert would have never asked a Congressman about Georgia Tech-Clemson. He would have asked Rep. Brown about who he has in the Bills game.
And if Rep. Brown wanted to regain any credibility with the American people, he would have said: "Whoever the Bills are playing. Because the Bills suck."