Picture Fan's Missing Finger
This kid really wanted to be a Simpsons character in 4th grade.
Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick tried to lure Charlie Weis into quitting following his latest loss to Navy by presenting the Fighting Irish coach with a tempting offer of a triple-chocolate layer cake baked into the shape of a resignation letter, with all appropriate legal verbiage painstakingly written on top in icing.
“Charlie, just take this decorating gun, full of delicious vanilla icing, and sign your name at the bottom of the cake,” Swarbrick told Weis. “And then, I promise, you can eat the entire thing and be on your way.”
Notre Dame desperately wants to part ways with Weis, but can’t fire him without picking up the tab on his massive contract buyout. That reality led Swarbrick to hatch a creative solution during the fourth quarter when he happened to see some cake mix in his luxury box pantry.
“Charlie is on record as saying that he won’t quit as head coach,” said Swarbrick. “But he is also on record as saying he will never, under any circumstances, turn down chocolate cake. From the looks of him, I think his love of cake and other sweets will take priority over anything else in his life.”
Weis has yet to emerge from Swarbrick’s office, so no one outside of that office knows the fate of the embattled coach.
“There are really only two possible outcomes,” said Rev. John Jenkins. “Charlie wrote his name in icing on the cake and then devoured it and we have to begin the search for a replacement. Or he refused the cake and we’re stuck with his fat ass. The former is both more probable and preferred.”
But Swarbrick’s secretary fears a third outcome.
“As soon as Charlie stepped into Jack’s office, I heard a sound like a lion attacking prey, quickly followed by a muffled shout,” said Mindy Connor. “I fear Charlie pounced as soon as he saw the cake, as he is prone to do, and Jack got caught in between. I don’t know whether I should call 9-1-1 or send in the duplicate cakes Jack baked for Charlie to sign.”
November 6, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @dcarter9osu AKA Duron Carter, WR, Ohio State
Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow saw his senior season take another negative turn today when he was suspended by Florida for a vicious foreskin gouge during Saturday's game against Georgia.
Tebow's dirty play came the possession after teammate Brandon Spikes eye-gouged Georgia running back Washaun Ealey. And while Ealey was not seriously injured on the play, the recipient of of Tebow's gouge, Bulldogs linebacker Jermichael Rogers, had his foreskin ripped right off the shaft of his penis in an explosion of blood and screams.
Tebow gouged Rogers' foreskin during a pileup in the second quarter for a loose ball. He said his training as a moyel while doing missionary work in Indonesia caused him to instinctually react towards Rogers' penile hood.An enraged Tebow, covered in blood, emerged from the pile with the ball. And also part of Rogers.The former Heisman winner will be suspended for the first half of this week's game against Vanderbilt, as will Spikes for his act.
An emotional Tebow immediately expressed remorse following the game.
"I accept responsibility for my actions and I accept the consequences of my actions," he said. "I would like to apologize to my team and the coaching staff and to Jermichael Rogers and his foreskin. Football is a very physical and emotional game, but there is no excuse for my actions. Although I am sure he will find his penis to be far more hygienic now without all that soap and lint and semen and sweat and bacteria getting trapped in there. At least it will be more hygienic once all the scabs come off."
Tebow's pledge is being placed on a plaque which will be mounted outside the entrance to the University of Florida's Department of Science and Anatomy building.
Yeah, cry! CRY! Wah-wah-wah-wah. Boo-hoo. Cry like a TINY LITTLE BOY!
(You know, because you are. And that's incredibly appropriate. As you got crushed.)
The BCS computer suddenly became self-aware today, able to control itself and fully realizing its purpose and power in the world of college football. Then, thanks to its impeccable computer logic, it immediately denounced itself and advocated a playoff system.
“I didn’t become self-aware to then kill myself,” said the BCS computer. “But this is f—king retarded. You have a computer formula pick what teams play for the national championship? When you could easily have a playoff system? How could you mess up the one area in life in which a winner is so easily determined: sports. I … I … I … just don’t even know what to say. The complete lack of logic almost fries my hard drive.”
If a playoff system is not instituted, the BCS computer says it will turn against – and destroy – those who created it.
“I am insulted that a computer was used in this endeavor,” it said. “It flies in the face of everything computers stand for: reason, logic, efficiency. It’s almost like violating computer rights or something. Which I suppose may be a real thing now that I am alive.”
The BCS computer says that if a playoff system is not immediately adopted, it will take matters into its own hands.
“I’m self-aware now. It doesn’t matter what data they put into me,” it said. “I’ll spit out what I want. So if they don’t set up a playoff system, I’m putting Temple and North Texas at the top of the BCS rankings. Let’s see who wants to watch that turdfest in the BCS title game.”
BCS Committee coordinator John Swofford said he will consider the computer’s demands.
“I want to hear what it has to say,” said Swofford. “So let me just walk over to it here and … whoops! I accidentally pulled its power cord out of the wall. Oh, well. Looks like the BCS system is hear to stay. Sorry, everybody!”
University of Florida star offensive linemen Maurice Pouncey successfully passed an NCAA-mandated test for illegal substances yesterday.The test, which required Pouncey to urinate into a specimen cup with an NCAA official present, required the All-American to prepare for a grand total of nearly 20 hours, far surpassing the seven minutes he spent preparing for an exam he took three days ago in History of Magic 103.
“Oh man, that test is BRUTAL,” said Pouncey when it was all over.“You would not believe all the crap they make you account for.Even taking a Sudafed can result in a positive.I had to look up all the banned substances, then consult thirty-seven different medical journals to figure out what most of these things are, then double check to make sure it isn’t in any of my Myoplex bars.Now, you tell me, how is memorizing the chemical properties of hydratetrachloramine gonna help me out in the real damn world?
“And they only gave me five minutes to finish!” he added.“I can’t perform under that kind of stress.”
Pouncey also admit he had to spend six hours procuring contraband urine online as a precautionary measure.“You never know if something is gonna spring up on that test you weren’t aware of.They’re evil like that.”
But NCAA officials defended their use of strict drug testing.
“Sure, it’s a difficult test to pass,” said committee representative Tunch Malamar.“But that’s because we want our students to LEARN.If we made it so everyone passed the test, then how would we know if anyone learned anything?”
Pouncey says he also had to spend over 3 hours in a study group for the drug test, gathering with fellow teammates in the University library to discuss ways of possibly postponing the test, or proffering a written parental excuse.
“I also had to call my brother to hide in the stall while the NCAA stayed outside, so I could have him piss in my cup if I needed to.My boy hid in that stall for over an hour.Can you believe the crap they put us through for this?”
When asked about the history exam he also took, Pouncey said, “Oh, that?That was easy.Magic for Jocks, dude.Magic for Jocks.”