Filed Under » NCAAF

University of Florida star offensive linemen Maurice Pouncey successfully passed an NCAA-mandated test for illegal substances yesterday.The test, which required Pouncey to urinate into a specimen cup with an NCAA official present, required the All-American to prepare for a grand total of nearly 20 hours, far surpassing the seven minutes he spent preparing for an exam he took three days ago in History of Magic 103.

“Oh man, that test is BRUTAL,” said Pouncey when it was all over.“You would not believe all the crap they make you account for.Even taking a Sudafed can result in a positive.I had to look up all the banned substances, then consult thirty-seven different medical journals to figure out what most of these things are, then double check to make sure it isn’t in any of my Myoplex bars.Now, you tell me, how is memorizing the chemical properties of hydratetrachloramine gonna help me out in the real damn world?

“And they only gave me five minutes to finish!” he added.“I can’t perform under that kind of stress.”

Pouncey also admit he had to spend six hours procuring contraband urine online as a precautionary measure.“You never know if something is gonna spring up on that test you weren’t aware of.They’re evil like that.”

But NCAA officials defended their use of strict drug testing.

“Sure, it’s a difficult test to pass,” said committee representative Tunch Malamar.“But that’s because we want our students to LEARN.If we made it so everyone passed the test, then how would we know if anyone learned anything?”

Pouncey says he also had to spend over 3 hours in a study group for the drug test, gathering with fellow teammates in the University library to discuss ways of possibly postponing the test, or proffering a written parental excuse.

“I also had to call my brother to hide in the stall while the NCAA stayed outside, so I could have him piss in my cup if I needed to.My boy hid in that stall for over an hour.Can you believe the crap they put us through for this?”

When asked about the history exam he also took, Pouncey said, “Oh, that?That was easy.Magic for Jocks, dude.Magic for Jocks.”

Embattled Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor got a new round of criticism today when he committed a murder near campus.

"Everyone kills people,murderspeople, steals from you, steals from me, whatever," said Pryor after he robbed a convenience store and killed the clerk. "I think that people need a second chance."

The comments echo Pryor's statements about Michael Vick earlier this year. The only problem is that his latest comments and actions come after a four-turnover performance in which Ohio State was upset by lowly Purdue.

"I don't have a problem with murder if you're doing your job out on the field and winning games," said Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel. "But when the winning ends, so does my laissez faire approach to killing people and stealing. I am an old-school coach that way, like it or not."

Ohio State will wait to make a decision on a possible punishment for Pryor, as will Columbus Police, until after this Saturday's game against Minnesota. The murdered clerk was a diehard Buckeyes fans, and his family requested no charges be brought against Pryor until the season plays itself out.

"Our dear son was a Buckeyes fan through and through," said the parents in a statement. "And we know he wouldn't want anything to come in the way of a possible Big Ten title, even repeated blows to the head with a broomstick."

Now it's on Pryor to make people forget about the murder.

"I feel ready for Minnesota," he said. "Everyone murders. But I hadn't in a while. And I needed that stress relief, you know? But now I feel relaxed and ready to lead us to a Rose Bowl. And I don't think anyone is going to want to stand in my way."

This video is from Saturday's Big Ten game between Minnesota and Penn State.

Some people took offense to Goldy Gopher "mocking" a Penn State player for praying. In fact, the University of Minnesota has issued a statement apologizing for the mascot's behavior.

But shouldn't the Penn State player be the one apologizing? He prayed and then looked up to the heavens. Absurd. Disrespectful. Sacreligious even.

God isn't in the heavens. Everyone knows that.

God is in Minnesota.

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis added an additional storyline to his team's showdown with 6th ranked USC on Saturday, boldly vowing today that his team will only lose by a few points — just as it did in his trademark game at Notre Dame, a 34-31 loss to the Trojans in 2005.

"That's just Charlie being Charlie. He's a brash, New Jersey guy," said Rev. John Jenkins, president of Notre Dame. "That's what we like about him. And, boy, we sure would love to lose by just three to USC again. That game was easily the high point of our program in the past 15 years."

And while Jenkins wouldn't come right out and say it, he strongly suggested that Weis could be looking at another huge contract extension with another tight loss to USC, similar to the 10-year extension he received following the 2005 loss.

"Losing by a touchdown or fewer, I think we might have our coach here at Notre Dame locked up until the middle of the century," he said.

Weis made his gusty proclamation this afternoon at his weekly press conference.

"I am just that confident in my team," Weis smirked. "Laugh if you want. But you'll see on Saturday. The days of Notre Dame getting crushed by the top teams are over. They're over. I guarantee you we don't lose by more than 10 points. In fact, I think it will be a one score defeat. And it's all thanks to my players and the strategic advantage I bring."

Those lines drew applause from several Notre Dame staffers and boosters in the room, as well as NBC reporters.

But not everyone is as pleased with Weis' words.

"Oh, this is definitely bulletin board material," says USC head coach Pete Carroll. "My players don't work as hard as they do every day to barely beat Notre Dame. They're going to be ready on Saturday."

Yet Weis feels that no matter how well USC plays, his team can match them play for play. Almost, at least.

"When we walk off that field on Saturday, our heads are going to be held high," he said. "Because we'll be looking up at that scoreboard proudly and thinking: 'Huh, a six point loss to USC. That's not bad at all. We don't suck nearly as much as everyone says.'"

This is from before the Georgia-South Carolina game last month.

And if you liked this guy's performance here, you may enjoy some of his other work:

Gollum wants that SEC title back! He needs it!

As state and university budgets continue to shrink due to the worldwide recession, many schools around the country have begun looking for ways to generate revenue from within. And one of the most lucrative sources of cash is being found within the athletic department.

"We slaughtered Bevo and sold his meat for $2,119," said Texas head football coach Mack Brown. "That's cash-in-hand for our athletic department. That's enough to keep our women's diving team going for three years, with some money left over to fund field hockey, too."

In addition to Bevo's meat, Texas sold his hide to a tannery for $475 and auctioned off his head to a football booster for an undisclosed sum.

"When the decision was made that Bevo was going to be slaughtered, I knew I had to get his head," said Tommie Davis, an oilman who graduated from Texas in 1967. His final bid bested one put together by a group of Oklahoma fans. "I've got it mounted atop my the fireplace in my great room now. I couldn't be prouder."

Other schools have followed Texas' lead, such as Baylor killing their live bear mascot, Judge, and LSU doing the same to Mike The Tiger. LSU raised additional funds by selling $100 tickets for a Mike The Tiger hunt.

"I understand how this can be a little emotional for some fans. But if and when the economy turns around, we'll just buy another Tiger," said LSU head football coach Les Miles. "They've got, literally, dozens of them in Africa. It's not that big of a deal. It's too bad our current one had to die. But I know I'll never forget the rush that I got when I shot him behind the ears. There's a lot of blood in a tiger!"

Still more schools plan to follow suit with their mascots, although a few are feeling resistance.

"We would have sold off parts of Uga months ago," says Damon Evans, Georgia's director of athletics. "But we don't have the same luxury many of these schools do. Kill a steer, kill a bear, kill a tiger — fine. But try to kill a dog and sell it's meat and hide and people freak out. Well, that's fine, but then we're going to lose our women's cross country team. Is that what they want?"

Then there are schools like Penn State who are facing resistance of another kind.

"I don't want to die," says Steve Smenko, a junior sociology major who plays the Nittany Lion. "But the board of trustees is voting tonight and then I'll find out my fate. I wish I would have listened to my parents and never become the mascot."

They bled. They sweat. They gave it their all for 60 minutes.

And they lost by 18 points.

"At this level it all comes down to who wants it more," said Kentucky head coach Rich Brooks after his team lost 38-20 to No. 3 Alabama at home on Saturday. "And also who is the better team. Usually that last part of the cliche is left out for the sake of brevity. That's the thing with catchphrases and slogans — make them too long and people tune out."

The Wildcats trailed Alabama only 7-6 after the first quarter, but things got out of hand after that.

"I think the biggest problem, outside of them being better than us, is that we noticeably wanted it more," said Kentucky quarterback Mike Hartline. "We should have paced ourselves. We were spent at the end of the first quarter from trying so hard and the mental exhaustion that comes with wanting something so intensely."

Hartline threw three interceptions on Saturday and his intended receivers say they wanted the ball more than the opponent covering them.

"But no matter how much I wanted it to stop happening, Mike kept throwing the ball into the hands of their defensive backs," said Kentucky wide receiver Randall Cobb.

And while Kentucky was dragging, the Crimson Tide were just starting to get into the game.

"Honestly, I didn't want to be out there at all today," said Alabama linebacker Eryk Anders. "Kentucky had way more intensity and I just wanted to be back home in my bed. Thankfully I was able to coast by on my superior athletic ability."

"I wasn't too happy with the effort," said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. "In fact, it was embarrassing. I was, however, very happy with the score and that's all that matters. I'll ride my team's laziness all the way to a national title if I have to."

Saban says he has developed a unique recruiting approach that he thinks has allowed his program to get a leg up on the likes of Kentucky.

"When I go to a kid's house, I ask him how much he wants it," said Saban. "I ask him if he wants it more than anyone else. Those are such important questions. But then I ask him if he's any good at football. If that one is a no, then I leave."