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According to sources inside the Notre Dame football program, head coach Charlie Weis has been informed of his dismissal by athletic director Jack Swarbrick and will leave the job as soon as he can fit through the door frame of his office.

"I knew that if I waited until the end of the season, this was a risk because Charlie grows fatter by the day," said Swarbrick. "But I wanted to give him a chance to turn it around. As we know, that did not happen. And when I met with him this morning, he was enjoying an assortment of pastries … and I knew it was too late."

Swarbrick has given strict orders to Notre Dame staff members to not bring Weis more food until he slims down enough to exit his office. The university has also looked into other options of extraditing the process, including removing the building's roof to extract Weis by crane, and cutting slabs of flesh off of the coach. But Weis has vowed he will respond with a malpractice suit to any surgical procedure, per his custom.

Notre Dame will begin its search for a replacement while they figure out what to do with Weis.

"Charlie has a lot of weight to lose before he fits through that door," says Swarbrick. "Chances are we have the new guy hired by the time that happens. If so, we'll put him up in temporary offices until Charlie is removed. Plus, the smell will take a while to dissipate. If you can believe it, Charlie's hygiene was actually worse than his coaching ability. Yeah, you can probably believe it, huh?"

Weis says he wants to leave his office as much as Notre Dame wants him to leave.

"I love Notre Dame and want to give them every opportunity to get a fresh start," he said. "Mmmm … fresh tart. Must have fresh tart."

Bobby Bowden, the lovable mascot with the bemused expression and eclectic hats and glasses who has walked the Florida State sidelines for the past 34 years, may have worked his final game on Saturday.

“He has done so much for our university and for our football program,” said university president T.K. Wetherell. “Bobby Bowden has almost nothing to do with the football team itself or what happens on the field, but our fans love him more than any current or former player or coach. That the mark of a great mascot.”

The mascot has been forced to cut back on his colorful routine of yelling and folksiness in recent years to do its increased age — and it may be health concerns that end a career perhaps only rivaled by the likes of the Phillie Phanatic, the San Diego Chicken and the University of Georgia’s Uga.

Junior quarterback Christian Ponder says that while Bobby Bowden isn’t a true member of the team, he does have an impact on them.

“We love him,” said Ponder. “Coach Fisher will be running a practice or going over the gameplan or something, and all of a sudden Bobby Bowden will come marching through out of nowhere, yelling and carrying on about something. He’s hilarious. You can’t get too tight with him around. He always lightens the mood.”

Ponder also credited Bowden for recruiting him to Florida State when he was a highly-coveted high school player three years ago.

“Most schools sent their head coach or some intense, hard-nosed assistant to my house to talk to me,” said Ponder. “But Florida State sent their mascot. That’s what won me over. It showed me they keep football fun here.”

Despite the rumors, Bobby Bowden – who famously always stays in his character– told amused reporters today that he has no plans to retire.

“Retire? What are you talking about? I’m focusing on getting these kids ready for next season and nothing else,” he croaked, working the crowd masterfully. And then he delivered the punch line to uproarious laughter: “I’m not the retiring type and I'm not a figurehead or a mascot. I’m a head football coach!"

Wetherell says he hopes Bowden does step away.

“He deserves a break,” he said. “It must be exhausting to be a public figure like that, always in character playing the cranky and old, but lovable, grandfather-type. And I can’t imagine how hot it must be inside that ridiculous costume.”

Watch #36. His age? Six.

This is an OUTRAGE! Who is coaching this kid? Who taught him to tackle that hard … but not to get up and flex or do a dance? Ridiculous. This coach must be fired before a child's marketability is hurt.

(I will say that it's nice to see a #36 run around on the field without becoming nauseous from all the jubbly bouncing. Years of watching Jerome Bettis scarred me.)

Scene: The office of Notre Dame director of athletics Jack Swarbrick. There is a knock at the door.

- – - –

Swarbrick: Yes. Come in.

(Charlie Weis enters.)

Swarbrick: Come on in. Take a seat.

(Weis sits down.)

Swarbrick: Well, Charlie, I think you know why you're here.

Weis: I do.

Swarbrick: 6-5. It's just not good enough at Notre Dame.

Weis: No, it is not.

Swarbrick: But … I'm willing to hear you out on why you should keep your job. You have helped the program in some ways. Recruiting, for example. Jimmy Clausen has developed nicely. So, let me hear your pitch. Why should you keep your job?

Weis: I've got nothing.

Swarbrick: Okay, then. Well, I guess you're fired.

Weis: I can't argue with that. I'll see myself out.

(Weis gets up to leave.)

Weis: Oh! One quick thing.

Swarbrick: You thought of a reason?

Weis: Ha! No. Where can I get that $15 million severance check?

Swarbrick: At the front desk on your way out.

Weis: Sweet. Also, even though I'm going to have all that money, as you've probably heard, I'm going to try to get back into the NFL as a coordinator. Any chance you can write me a letter of recommendation?

Swarbrick: Sure, why not. What should I write in it?

Weis: Umm …I've got nothing.

Swarbrick: Okay, then. Have a good day.

Weis: You, too.

End scene.

Fourth quarter. 2:25 remaining. Yale with the ball and up by three points against their rival, Harvard, who they've lost six of seven to. Fourth-and-22. Yale on their own 26.

And … FAKE PUNT!

Failed fake punt. The Yale ball carrier was tackled at the 40, just eight yards short of the first down. Harvard gets the ball and wins the game three plays later on a touchdown.

But don't criticize Yale head coach Tom Williams just yet. You see, using Belichickian logic, you couldn't risk giving the ball back to Harvard, because their offense was really rolling in that they had put up … really? Just seven points to that point in the game?

Wow.

''The whole idea was to keep our foot on the pedal, and not play scared,'' said Williams, trying to explain the call. ''If anyone is looking for somebody to blame, blame this guy right here.''

Okay. We will. Not a problem there.

I'm guessing Yale was Williams' safety position after he couldn't get the head job at Harvard.

Brian Kelly is the head coach of the undefeated Cincinnati Bearcats, the No. 5 team in the country. He is rumored to be the frontrunner to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Brian Kelly.

Kelly's coaching career began at his alma mater, Assumption College in Worcester, Mass., as linebackers coach, defensive coordinator and women's softball coach from 1983-1986. Kelly coached many of the same players in overseeing linebackers and softball.

From 1991 to 2003, Kelly compiled a 118-35-2 record as head coach at Grand Valley State University. Grand Valley State University. That sounds made up. Like bad movie script made up. Let me guess — their big rival was "State." You know, if you're going to create a fictional employer, Kelly, a 118-35-2 record isn't actually all that good. I would have said I was 700-0 with 94 national championships. And that I was the repeat winner of the prestigious Coolest, Most Handsomest, Most Awesomest Coach Ever Award.

Kelly's 2002 Grand Valley State squad went 14-0 and won the national championship, while his 2001 team set an all-time Division II scoring record by averaging 58.4 points per game. In 2003 he won another national championship.There. Much better. That sounds way over-the-top. And that's fine. Notre Dame doesn't really "check" "resumes." (See: O'Leary, George.)

During the 2006 regular season, Kelly — then the head coach of Central Michigan — beat Western Michigan. He then accepted the head job at Cincinnati before the Bearcats' bowl game … and led them to a victory over Western Michigan in that game, too, becoming the first coach in NCAA history to beat the same team twice in one season while coaching two different teams. If you are interested in hiringKelly out to beat Western Michigan at parties, please contact the Cincinnati athletics office for rates and availability.

Kelly has a wife (Paqui) and three children (Patrick, Kenzel and Grace). If I was 70 years younger — and if she was not dead — I would so nail his daughter. Raawwwwrrrrrr. And not in the Bearcats raaaawwwwwrrrr way. In the Brian-Kelly's-daughter-Grace-Kelly-is-super-hot way.

According to Cincinnati's official biography, Kelly is successful because of a "philosophy of a defense that must play 60 minutes," "an imaginative offense," and "a strong special teams unit." Wait a minute … this guy espouses a strong defense, offense and special teams??? All three? Why … that's genius! You better snatch him up, Notre Dame!

Kansas head coach Mark Mangino made yet another visit today to the home of Brett Lange, a marginal college prospect receiving little interest from other Division I programs. But Mangino says the Lawrence (Kan.) High School safety has certain intangibles he looks for in a prospect.

“It’s not all about height and weight and speed and power,” said Mangino. “There’s more to it in finding an ideal recruit, especially a recruit I think it’s worth having a crew extract me out of my office chair-bed so I can make an in-home visit.”

Mangino says Lange is the perfect package.

“With any possible recruit, I ask my staff to give me three pieces of information,” said Mangino. “What are his football vitals, what are his grades and how close does he live to a Dunkin’ Donuts or to some other sort of retailer of delicious pastries?”

Kansas recruiting director David Lyons says Mangino becomes energized when a recruit is up to snuff in all three areas, or at least the final category.

"I would say he becomes hungry more than energized,” said Lyons. “But, yeah, if we find a player who can perform on the field and in the classroom and who lives within walking distance of a donut shop, Mark is on the next cargo plane there. And by walking distance, we mean there has to be a franchise within 40 yards. Anything beyond that risks a heart attack, major organ failure or blown out knees.”

Lange says he appreciates all of Mangino’s visits, but has yet to decide where he will attend college.

“He’s been here a lot, but I don’t feel like I’ve really connected with him yet,” says Lange. “He barely looks at me, to tell you the truth. He just sits their double-fisting donuts, and moaning and groaning in pleasure. But, yeah, if he has the same love of Kansas football as he does to donuts, I would definitely consider becoming a Jayhawk.”