Navy beat Army 17-3 on Saturday, earning their eighth consecutive win in the series. Yet members of the Army football team and the Army itself still maintain that the Navy is incredibly gay.
"Great. Good for them. They beat us at football again," said Army linebacker Jeff LeMasters. "Maybe we would be able to focus more on football if all we had to do was drive people across the ocean so they could do the fighting for us. That would be nice. But not all of us have that luxury."
Army tackle Peter Riley admitted it's embarrassing to lose over and over again "to a bunch of homos." But says that "he took an oath to defend this country and fight for their right to be queers, and wear their fancy, white uniforms all day and spend six months underwater with a bunch of dudes."
Continued Riley: "And I take that oath very seriously, even if I don't agree with their disgusting lifestyle."
U.S. Army General David Petraeus echoed the sentiments of the Black Knight players.
"Don't ask, don't tell and all that," said Gen. Petraeus. "But since you're not officially asking, I can tell you: Navy boys are definitely you know." Petraeus then pranced around his office like a ballerina.
Navy linebacker Curtis McGee agreed that there was definitely some gayness on the field on Saturday.
"I am going to be commissioned into the Marines," said McGee. "It disgusts me to think that these Army boys come in and do the easy fighting after we Marines do the dirty work. I know what they do all day snuggled into their bunkers together. It's sick. But I'll fight for their right to do it."
The stage is set for the nation’s top-ranked teams to face-off in the BCS title game on January 7th. With a month of grueling practice, preparation, and media hype ahead of them, players from both the Alabama Crimson Tide and Texas Longhorns are concerned that the big game will interfere with their school work.
Some, like Alabama running back Mark Ingram, are even considering skipping the game in order to avoid any potential distractions.
“It’s crossed my mind,” said Ingram. “I mean it’s a last resort, but if I have to I will. I have final exams coming up soon. How the heck am I supposed to think about football with that hanging over my head? I am a student-athlete. Student is listed first for a reason.”
Ingram said he would try his hardest to balance both priorities but acknowledged he was “nervous”about finals.
“Professor Guerin’s Psych exam should be a real corker and my English Lit final is going to be even worse," said the Heisman candidate. "Meanwhile, I’ll be going over game plans, watching tape, doing TV interviews, and practicing. Ahh! Stress! I don’t know how other guys do it! I sure hope this football thing pans out for me. Otherwise all this effort will be for nothing.”
Texas players are experiencing similar anxiety as they wonder how they’re going to juggle academics and football. Coach Mack Brown has been attempting to assuage their fears, but it isn’t an easy task.
“These kids are really stressed right now,” Brown said. “They are wondering how in the hell they’re going to play in the biggest football game of their lives while at the same time dedicating the proper amount of time to their studies. I keep telling them that it’s doable. Look at Vince Young. He didn’t have these problems. Then again, he never went to class so he didn’t feel the need to insult the teacher by showing up to final exams.”
Brown said that he would give his players the appropriate amount of time off to prepare and take their exams.
“We’re going to work with the school to make sure these kids have the time they need,” said Brown. “We’re not going to really start practicing in earnest for a couple weeks anyway. Still, even when we’re not practicing, I’m sure they’ll have the game on their minds. My suggestion would be to pretend they’re not playing in a national title game and that they’re just regular loser nobodies like the rest of the student body.”
Alabama coach Nick Saban had a different suggestion for his players: abandon school work entirely.
“I told my kids to put academics on the back burner for now,” said Saban. “I mean, what would you rather do? Pass Professor Poindexter’s English Lit nerd-fest or win the national title? Exactly. And if you win the national title, you can have any job you want in the state of Alabama, regardless of your grades. That’s why Derrick Lassic is our state comptroller right now.”
The BCS bowl match-ups are set. Alabama and Texas will meet in the BCS National Championship Game on January 7th, while undefeated TCU and Boise State will meet three days earlier in the BCS's FkYou.com Bowl.
"We are ecstatic about the bowl lineup," said BCS commissioner John Swofford. "We have an SEC team and a Big-12 team in the championship game and were able to give the FkYou to two undefeated non-BCS conference teams. It couldn't be more perfect."
In past years the FkYou.com Bowl has featured major conference teams such as Texas and Auburn. But it's primarily designed for undefeated non-BCS schools such as the 2008 Utah Utes, who were placed in last year's game, or Boise State, who has a long history in the bowl.
"We started the BCS bowl system to give major conference teams, as well as Notre Dame, a way to make more money than they were in the previous setup," said Swofford. "But then we were pressured to toss a few crumbs to teams outside the SEC, Big-12, Big Ten and Pac-10, which necessitated our partnership with FkYou.com."
According to domain records, FkYou.com was registered by Swofford himself.
"Yeah? So?" he said. "GoFkYourself.com was already a site and they didn't want to sell, so this was the next best option. I think the message is still clear."
TCU head coach Gary Patterson says he will accept the decision of the BCS.
"We don't really have a choice," he said. "And I think most people have come to recognize the annual FkYou.com bowl to be as legitimate as the national championship game. For example, anyone with a soul sees Utah as co-national champions last year."
Swofford just wishes the BCS system could please everyone.
"It's not perfect. People want it to be more fair and we want the same thing. Trust me," he said. "For example, I would have loved to put Cincinnati in the FkYou.com Bowl, too. But they'll have to be content playing for absolutely nothing in another bowl. That's what they get for not being ranked higher to start the season. They can't complain."
Tim Tebow lost. And his crying proved he took the defeat pretty hard.
Thankfully, the noted Biblical eye black enthusiast can work his way through the 5 Stages of Grief by sporting an appropriate verse on his face for each stage.
Glad to help, Tim!
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
PHILIPPIANS 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I know you have this one already. You've worn it before. Now you can wear it again. The object of the sentence "I" reflects your feelings of isolation. And I think we can agree the thought that you "can do all things" is pretty fitting for denial in light of your performance in the SEC Championship Game, yes?
Stage 2: Anger
PSALM 137:9:Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.
DEUTERONOMY 23:2: No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.
They're both plenty angry. Like, terrifyingly angry. As you can see. But I'd probably go with Deuteronomy 23:2 in your case. You know, what with your history with the penises and the cutting.
Stage 3: Bargaining
DEUTERONOMY 3:23-25: At that time I pleaded with the Lord: "O Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan that fine hill country and Lebanon."
Great job attempting to kiss up with the "O Sovereign Lord" and "your greatness" and the "what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" Well done. It won't work. You still lost. Decisively. But good try anyway. (Oh, and just a theological note: In Biblical times, I think "Jordan" was the SEC and "Lebanon" hosted the BCS title game. I think.)
Stage 4: Depression
JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept.
You weren't the only one crying at the end of that loss, Tim. Your No. 1 fan surely shed some tears, too.
Stage 5: Acceptance
JOB 29:2-3: How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head and by his light I walked through darkness!
PSALM 34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Apt. Both of them. But you should probably go with the second one. That one you can leave on your face for a while. You know, 'cause it will work for you at the NFL Draft, too.
December 4, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @dcarter9osu AKA THE Ohio State wide receiver Duron Carter and @JNEW55 AKA THE Ohio State defensive end Jonathan Newsome
News Who is Jimbo Fisher?
Jimbo Fisher will take over as head coach of the Florida State football program following Bobby Bowden's final game in the Seminoles' bowl later this month. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Jimbo Fisher.
Jimbo Fisher was born October 9, 1965 in Clarksburg, West Virginia. "Jimbo" was a family name handed down from generations of Fisher men who didn't want to be taken seriously outside of the South.
Fisher played quarterback at Salem College under Terry Bowden from 1985 to 1986, then followed Bowden to play at Samford University in 1987 when Bowden got the job there. Fisher primarily followed Terry Bowden because he hoped Bowden would lead him to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
In 1988 Fisher played for the Chicago Bruisers of the Arena Football League. Fisher may have been the best quarterback to ever play in the City of Chicago. At the very least he's tied for first/last.
Before becoming offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach at Florida State in 2007, Fisher served in the same capacity at LSU from 2000 to 2006 and in 2001 was named a finalist for the Frank Broyles Award as the nation's top assistant. I'm not exactly sure who Frank Broyles is/was. Probably some no-name assistant who wanted other no-name assistants to get the recognition he never did.
During his seven seasons at LSU, Fisher coached quarterbacks Josh Booty, Rohan Davey, Craig Nall, Matt Mauck and JaMarcus Russell. Florida State officials are relieved that Fisher will never get any offers to coach in the NFL.
Fisher and his wife, Candi, have two sons. Jimbo and Candi are often offered roles in truck stop-based adult films.
Despite coaching stops at Samford, Auburn, Cincinnati, LSU and Florida State, Fisher has never been the head coach of a program. (Not counting the three seasons he has served as head coach of Bobby Bowden's program.)
His name is Rudy Rutgower. He is 18-years old, 5-feet tall and he has a dream: to play college football. While he knows he’s too small to be a starter, the scrappy, never-say-die Rutgower just wants to run on the field for one play. And though he was born and raised in Vandalia, Indiana, the diminutive youngster would prefer to do it at the University of Florida because they’re not as sucky as Notre Dame.
“That’s my dream,” said Rutgower, staring wistfully off into the distance. “I want to run onto the field at the Swamp, get in the huddle, sprint to the line of scrimmage and make a play. I want to feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I hear my name announced. I want to be part of a winning tradition, if only for a brief moment in time. Pride, integrity, victory, respect: that’s what Florida football symbolizes to me.”
Rudy knows he resembles another famous Rudy, the one that was the subject of the hugely popular movie celebrating the allure and mystique of Notre Dame football. Having hailed from a small, unincorporated town near South Bend, he has his share of memories surrounding the Fighting Irish. But, like most youngsters of today, he’d rather have his inspirational, once-in-a-lifetime moment on a team that’s won something since he's been alive.
“Everybody tells me I’m just like the kid from the movie,” said Rutgower. “But the big difference is I’m not a Notre Dame fan. I love the Florida Gators. That’s why I dream of someday taking the field oh, sorry, I should gaze wistfully at the sunset while I say this of someday taking the field with the Florida Gators and making a play while 90,000 fans do the Gator chomp.”
The first part of Rutgower’s dream has already been realized: in August, he was accepted to Florida and is now taking classes toward a degree in business. In his spare time, however, he is maintaining his laser-like focus on the goal of making the Gators practice squad.
“It’s a long shot, but I believe in myself,” said Rutgower. “And when you believe in yourself, you can accomplish all of your dreams. That’s what this great black janitor told me anyway when we were standing in the tunnel under the stadium smoking a fattie. I’ll never forget that. That was some great stuff.”
Rutgower’s story is starting to get national attention. He was mentioned onGood Morning America, as well as ESPN’sFirst Takeand has performed numerous radio interviews to talk about his inspirational quest. Rutgower says he hopes the attention will help him achieve his goal.
“Hopefully Coach Meyer and the powers-that-be here in Gainesville will notice me, notice how much I love the program, notice how small and earnest I am, and be moved to give me a shot,” Rutgower said. “That’s all I want: a shot. My daddy was a coal miner. My momma was a homemaker. I just wanna make them proud. I mean, my daddy was actually an orthodontist, but for the purposes of this story, and the ensuing movie, let’s say he was a coal miner.”
Meanwhile, one program has gotten wind of Rutgower’s story and are willing to give him a shot to make the team: the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who will likely have an opening at starting quarterback next season. Rutgower, however, said he’s “not interested” in being the starting quarterback for the Fighting Irish.
“Yeah, no thanks. I wouldn’t want that thankless job,” Rudy said. “Being part of this sinking ship, getting punched in public, and generally being the whipping boy for thousands of frustrated fans and boosters? No thanks. I’d much rather run on the field for one play at Florida then be the starting quarterback for Notre Dame.”
News Joe Paterno Dies
Moments after hearing that Bobby Bowden had officially retired as head coach of the Florida State Seminoles, Penn State head coach Joe Paterno let out a sigh, made a few last remarks, and happily slipped into sweet, sweet death.
"Oh, thank Christ in heaven," said Paterno, letting out a long breath. "Finally. Finally. I never thought he would retire. But now he has. And my career wins record is forever safe. Goodbye, world."
And, with that, the 82-year-old head coach slumped over dead.
"I'm so happy for Joe," said Penn State defensive coordinator, Tom Bradley, who was in Paterno's office when he quit living. "This is all he has wanted for so long. He had to keep coaching and living long after he intended to because Bowden was as stubborn as he was. But in the end, Joe was more stubborn. By a few minutes. What a fighter."
Bowden expressed remorse upon receiving the news of his rival's passing.
"I'm sorry he had to die," said Bowden. "But me faking my retirement so he would stop living was the only way I could make up the wins gap. What? I had to do it. I'm not as dumb as I've looked the past few years."
The Florida State icon then announced a new five-year contract extension.