News Tennessee Loses Layla Kiffin to USC
Tennessee is reeling today over the news that Layla Kiffin, considered perhaps the state's top MILF, is moving to Los Angeles.
"Devastating. Absolutely devastating," said Governor Phil Bredesen. "We thought we had her for the long haul. We thought we'd get to enjoy that body and leer at it for another 10 to 12 years before she moved on or everything dropped and started getting saggy. At least I can say we sincerely appreciated her while she was here."
"I never even got to smell her hair," said University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. "God knows I tried. But every time I'd get in really close and almost breathe it in, she'd spot me and turn around. She had an amazing sense for that. She had a lot of amazing attributes."
Many high school seniors who had committed to Tennessee are reportedly now reconsidering.
"I was going there for her," said Darrell Smith, a highly-touted running back from Memphis. "I don't know why she's going to Los Angeles where she'll be just another blonde woman with a big rack. Here she was unique. Here she was special. I could have showed her how special she was. That was my goal. Hit that. And then, once that's taken care of, focus on winning a national title and playing in the NFL."
Tennessee has immediately begun the search for a successor.
"We are looking for full C-cups or perky D's," said Hamilton. "And, of course, 36-24-36 measurements or something in that proportional ballpark. We'd also like another one who has had children. Because then you know what you're working with. It's easy to get a good-looking woman pre-babies, but then she might blow up after having kids. Not an angel like Layla. Oh, Layla … we'll miss you."
The school is also hoping their replacement for Layla Kiffin is married to someone with some sort of football coaching background, even if at a low level.
"But the coaching thing is not a deal-breaker," said Hamilton.
News Seahawks Interview Blackface Pete Carroll to Circumvent Rooney Rule
The Seattle Seahawks interviewed Pete Carroll today for their vacant head coaching job and are reportedly close to coming to terms with the USC head coach.
"This is moving very fast," said a source within the Seahawks organization. "Thankfully, we don't have to interview anyone else because Pete was gracious enough to don blackface. So we're covered as far as the Rooney Rule."
The NFL's "Rooney Rule" requires teams to interview minority candidates for head coaching jobs. But with Carroll in their sights, Seattle didn't want to look elsewhere.
"Pete Carroll is our clear choice. By a mile," said a front office source. "All interviewing a qualified minority candidate could do is confuse the situation. What if the guy blows us away in the interview? Then our easy choice becomes a difficult choice. Who wants that? As though life needs to be more difficult. And no way our fans go for us hiring some young, random, minority guy over Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll! USC. And the Patriots, I hear, too. The Patriots are great!"
Carroll said that anyone who might be offended by his blackface interview needs to relax.
"I'm a fun guy. I like to mess around," he said. "I hang out with Will Ferrell sometimes, you know. If Will Ferrell donned blackface, everyone would laugh. So I don't see how it's different for me to do it. You're not getting the joke, I don't think."
The Seahawks have already submitted the appropriate Rooney Rule paperwork to the league, signifying that they have interviewed Pete Carroll and "Black Pete Carroll".
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is satisfied.
"I usually let this kind of thing slide," he said. "I always fear that if I'm too much of a stickler about it people will talk about how the Rooney Rule conveniently isn't in place for the commissioner job opening."
Opinion Proposed Logos for the 12-Team Big Ten
The Big Ten is set to announce its new name and new logo.
What will that look like? Glad you asked. Here are the new logos the Big Ten is considering.
Picture Nick Saban learns that Alabama's team bus backed over a baby and a puppy, and then also the angel sent to take them up to heaven.
News Texas vs. Alabama: In Pictures
Some pictures to get you prepared for Alabama-Texas.
TEXAS
Young Colt liked to use his zit pus as hair gel.
McCoy says the lice are actually a blessing because they help keep him up at night watching film.
Colt McCoy was on the Heisman watch list and also several child predator watch lists.
Look how he stands. Like a young Ed McCaffrey or Kevin Walter.
McCoy and Shipley love to compete, and will even challenge each other to a game of pocket pool.
Mack Brown knew his wife Muriel would love to display this in her china cabinet.
Mack Brown felt Mitsy and Ginger were the steals of his 2009 recruiting class.
"Don't eat it, moron. It's not a real egg."
"Don't eat me, fatass. I'm not a real steer."
After this photo was taken, all three smelled each other's fingers to savor what had just occurred.
ALABAMA
Even complete pricks had to acknowledge Mark Ingram's abilities on the football field.
Due to all the time he spent around dragons, Greg McElroy had severe facial burns.
Greg McElroy was not recruited by Alabama until he grew out his bangs.
Terrence Cody serves as the barrier wall for much of the Gulf of Mexico.
News Texas Pulls Out of BCS Title Game on Principle
The BCS title game is off. Just hours before kickoff, No. 2 ranked Texas has announced it will not play in the game in protest of the unfair BCS system.
"Even though we had a great shot at winning the game and being crowned national champion, it wasn't something we thought we could achieve with our dignity and self-respect intact," said head coach Mack Brown. "There is a right way and a wrong way to do things, and the BCS is the wrong way. How could we say we are educating young men, yet take advantage of a system like this?"
The decision by the team and the university was influenced by last year when a one-loss Texas squad was left out of the title game in place of a one-loss Florida team.
"We know what it's like to be on the other side," said Texas quarterback Colt McCoy. "And here Boise State is in the position we were last year. This is an easy decision. It's the right thing to do. I've always wanted to win a national title, but I don't want an asterisk beside it. I want to win with honor."
Texas has also announced it will forfeit the huge BCS payout it was set to receive.
"Could we use all that money? Sure," said Texas president William Powers, Jr. "But it's dirty money. I couldn't sleep at night knowing we took money from the BCS."
Alabama head coach Nick Saban says he respects the Longhorns' decision.
"Hey, good for those pussies. They knew they couldn't handle us on the field, so they're trying to make some bullshit statement about fairness," Saban laughed. "What does fairness have to do with sports? Give me that national championship trophy. And their BCS money, too. It's time Alabama gets a Nick Saban statue."
Picture Despite an impassioned case from his talking hand, Boise State head coach Chris Petersen is not convinced that his team's game against TCU really mean
News USC to Harshly Punish Field Hockey Program for Football Violations
The University of Southern California today announced severe sanctions against its field hockey program in light of several violations committed by the school's football program.
"The benefits that were given to Reggie Bush during his time here and the car that Joe McKnight has been allowed to use, among other violations, will not stand here at USC," said USC athletics director Michael Garrett. "We take these things very seriously. As such, our women's field hockey program is losing three scholarships and may not participate in the Pac-10 tournament."
The field hockey team will, however, be allowed to participate in the NCAA Tournament if it receives a bid.
"It's an olive branch to them to improve their behavior," said Garrett. "No one on the football team wants those girls to miss out on a field hockey title, I'm sure of it."
Football coach Pete Carroll said he was unaware of the punishment.
"I had no idea we had a field hockey team," said Carroll. "Huh. That's the one where the girls with the short skirts bend over, right? Nice."
Garrett says he thinks his quick action will show the NCAA that the school's football programs is playing within the rules. "This is just the first step, too," he said. "If anything more happens, then we hit women's swimming. Before long it gets really serious and we go after a men's sport. Like tennis. Not one of the real ones, of course. But still."
A source within the NCAA's compliance office says USC has taken the necessary steps.
"They didn't even have to do this," he said. "They're one of the top football programs. They should know that we're never going to punish a program at that level. What's actually more concerning is that they even brought attention to their indiscretions this way. That's what we might punish them for. We prefer programs just pretend everything is on the up-and-up."
