University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans has resigned for his DUI arrest. Now another prominent Georgia employee has submitted a letter of resignation to UGA president Michael Adams.
According to state representatives, Mississippi has turned down an offer to join the 21st Century and instead will remain in the 1800s.
"At the end of the day, this is where we want to be," said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. "We have such a long history with the 1800s more than 200 years, in fact. And we didn't want to just throw all that away."
The decision will leave Mississippi without education and technology, but Barbour said he didn't believe Mississippi would have been placed on an equal footing with current members of the 21st Century.
"Well, that's probably true," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. "But, they need to understand their history. They would have needed to sit back and kind of watch how the rest of us do it for a few decades before becoming one of our flagship states."
While some in Mississippi had been pushing for the change, polls showed the majority of the state's residents opposed the move. In fact, 68-percent wanted to stay, 10-percent wanted to join the the 21st Century, 5-percent were undecided and 17-percent said: "I ain't seen you 'round here before. You best git' gone before I git to shootin'!"
The news that Mississippi would not join the 21st Century was met with celebration throughout the state, as residents fired guns wildly into the air and drove their pickups through town, honking and flying the state flag with the Confederate flag inlay.
"Umm I'm not sure that had anything to do with the news," admitted Gov. Barbour. "That's just a typical day in Mississippi. Most people haven't heard about the 1800s decision, what with not having television or radio."
While Mississippi appears set in the 1800s, sources say they will be a target of the 20th Century, which is looking to expand its membership beyond West Virginia.
In the latest move in a wave of conference realignment, league sources are reporting that the NBA’s Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, and Orlando Magic are poised to accept invitations to join the Western Conference. The same sources cite increased exposure, greater revenues, and a higher level of play as the primary reasons for the move.
“This is a big day for us,” said Celtics coach Doc Rivers. “The Eastern Conference treated us well for decades, but we want to be where the best teams are. Plus, it’s hard to get comfortable in a conference where your playoffs air on TNT. You’re always worried aLaw & Orderrerun is going to preempt one of your games.”
“I don't think this was an easy decision for this franchise,” said Magic center Dwight Howard. “I knew that unless I died or lost a leg I’d be starting the All-Star Game for the East for the next 12 years. I grew up dreaming of playing in the real NBA, though, against the best players in the world. And now I finally have a chance to do it. It's about legacy. I can only prove myself in the Western Conference.”
Cavaliers officials are hopeful that the move will help the team retain free agent superstar LeBron James. “Giant contracts are nice and all,” said one team official, bBut now we can promise LeBron that those repeated midseason trips to Detroit and Indianapolis are a thing of the past. That’s huge.”
Commissioner David Stern who says he is now Western Conference Commissioner David Stern says he believes the creation of a mega-conference will improve the financial picture of the NBA.
"Honestly, I have no idea what will happen to what's left of the Eastern Conference," he says. "And I really don’t care. Maybe those teams can join the Big East or something. Their names and level of play are already sort of similar.”
Meanwhile, the Eastern Conference is left scrambling to populate its ranks. The conference has considered adding the University of Kentucky from the NBA, but there are concerns about whether coach John Calipari could get his squad’s payroll under the NBA’s $57.7 million salary cap and still put a competitive team on the court.
“At this point, we’ll take any team with five players. They don’t even have to be healthy or particularly good at basketball,” said New York Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. “If anyone has a connection with the NBDL’s Fort Wayne Mad Ants, please have them call us.”
These are momentous times in college sports. Conferences are shifting and growing. History is changing. New masses of power are forming.
And the changes are far from a close.
What will the college landscape look like in the future?
What conferences will be left?
What will they be named?
And where will Rutgers be?
Well, no one cares about that. But scroll down to see what college sports fans will have in 2020
Great. So like the NCAA, sort of. But with a better logo.
The University of Southern Cal athletics department renamed its men's soccer program "men's football" today in a move it expects will enable its football team now called "American football" to avoid any NCAA punishment.
"Check and mate, NCAA," laughed USC athletic director Mike Garrett, announcing the new terms in a press conference this morning. "Of course, it isn't all bad news. Per the conditions laid out by the NCAA, our soccer team is going to miss two bowl games. Oh, wait! Soccer er, I mean football doesn't have bowl games. Boom!"
Garrett then high-fived USC American football coach Lane Kiffin.
Incoming NCAA president Mark Emmert said that USC's semantics likely will work. "What can we do? They found a loophole and exploited it," said Emmert. "Of course, we informed them of the loophole. We can't have major programs like USC American football getting punished. It's how we've done it for years. No one wants us to suspend the entire Top 25 and half the NCAA Tournament field."
In addition to missing out on bowl games, USC's soccer program will lose scholarships and also its wins from the 2004 season.
"This is fantastic news," said USC football coach Steve Ryan. "I could honestly give a crap about our program. It's only a club team anyway. The only thing that makes my job worth it is that I get season tickets to USC football. The last thing I want is to be stuck with tickets for some crap American football team."
A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.
“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”
The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.
“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.
With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.
“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.
Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”
Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.
“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”
With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.
Among industrialized countries, American students rank 24th in math and science.
Washington Huskies quarterback Jake Locker, the presumed No. 1 overall pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, will reportedly make himself available to scouts at 12 "games" this fall, both at Husky Stadium and at other venues throughout the West.
"This is a great way for Jake to sell himself to NFL teams," says NFL Network draft analyst Mike Mayock. "It will give scouts a much better look than the NFL combine or a single pro day does."
Locker's workouts will be held at game speed and against a full defense. Each workout will include four 15-minute sessions. The workout's organizers even plan to keep score.
"It will definitely generate attention," said draft analyst Todd McShay. "But I don't think anyone will care about all the scoreboard bells and whistles. They'll be looking more at stuff like footwork and how he works out of the pro set. I would caution him to only run plays out of NFL-style formations regardless of the situation and no matter what those around him suggest."
Six of Locker's workouts will be held in Seattle at Husky Stadium, while there will be one each in Provo, UT, Los Angeles, Tucson, Eugene, OR, Berkley, CA, and Pullman, OR.
"I can understand having workouts in Seattle, and near the Cardinals and Raiders they could all be potential NFL homes for him," said Mayock. "But the other locations are confusing. They are not NFL cities and he needs to make it easier for teams in the East to see him workout."
There has been some talk of Locker concluding his series of pre-draft activities with a high-profile workout in early January, but many are doubting that will happen.
"You don't want to get overexposed," says Mayock. "You can get to a point of diminishing returns. It's crazy enough the reports I'm hearing that he's going to allow these workout defenses to make contact with him. He needs to remember he has a future to worry about."
The Bowl Championship Series has released its formula for determining how conferences, such as the Mountain West, can earn an automatic bid to the big-money bowls.The new BCS formula for 2010 will be tweaked a bit to include CH4, commonly known as methane.
“People are always ripping on the BCS formula, so we decided to listen for the call for change,” said BCS executive director Bill Hancock. “We considered several options and decided on CH4. Carbon and hydrogen are the building blocks of life, you know. And we got four hydrogens in there. That's a lot.”
Hancock said the BCS commissioners also considered adding C6H1206 – or glucose – to the BCS formula, as well as a denominator or one of those squared signs.
“One commissioner, who will remain nameless,” said Hancock, “suggested we throw in one of those squiggly line things that goes in front of a lot of calculus equations. That’s madness! We’re trying to run a reputable football organization here.”
The new formula will be used this season and could be tweaked before the 2011 season if it doesn't work.
"We're administrators, not chemists. For all we know, we made something that could blow up and kill people," he said. "But everyone wants to include these non-BCS teams. Well, you're going to get your wish. Just don't blame us if there are deaths."
The NCAA has banned players from putting messages on eye black, starting this season.
Many are calling the new mandate the Tim Tebow Rule, after the player who famously scrawled Bible verses on the strips of black adhesive under his eyes.
So with the new rule in place, lets look back at Tebow's six most memorable eye black messages.