Video Auburn Football Fails to Redeem Itself with This Song
This song makes trees die.
Video Everyone Will Love Notre Dame if They Always Let Fat People Play QB
His knees probably hated that.
Picture Ohio State Buckeyes Superfan Getting Towed
O-H! I-Owe … the city money on parking tickets.
Opinion The 25 Best Sports Nicknames of All-Time
#25 — Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown
Origin: Remember how your parents told you to be careful around power tools? They weren't kidding. When future MLB pitcher Brown was a young man he accidentally put his hand in his family farm's feed chopper. The chopper's blades cut off most of his index finger, and a later fall on the same hand permanently mangled the middle finger on his pitching hand.
His maimed fingers, though, turned out to be a blessing when they enabled him to put massive amounts of spin on his pitches. Hitters couldn't get balls in the air against Brown, and he won 239 games on his way to the Hall of Fame. So, the lesson here is clear: if your Major League dreams are looking improbable, try sticking your hand in a woodchipper. Can't hurt! (Outside of the excruciating pain.) This is the look you'll want to go for:
#24 — "The Flying Housewife" Fanny Blankers-Koen
Origin: The track events at the 1948 Summer Olympic Games in London got a bit more interesting when Dutch runner Fanny Blankers-Koen tied on her spikes. She was 30 years old, a mother of two children, and ready to kick some serious tail. Blankers-Koen ended up winning four gold medals at the games, which propelled her to international fame as the wife and mother who outran everyone else.
And while the picture of Fanny below may not suggest it, she was a confirmed MILTF. (A mom I'd like to do track and field with. Duh.)
Picture South Carolina Likes Big Hits More Than Kids with Cancer
Maybe it's time for them to secede again. And Hawaii's statehood is revoked, too.
Video Brutus the Buckeye Decleated During Ohio State Football Practice
Can a nut get concussed?
Opinion 7 Reasons Underdogs Suck and You Should Never Root for Them
1. Everyone roots for underdogs.
Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.
2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.
How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.
3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.
Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.
News Enterprise Rent-a-Car Accused of Hiring Former NCAA Athletes Solely to Help Company Softball Team
The allegations leveled against the automobile rental company, which has more than 6,000 locations throughout the United States, claim Enterprise is purposely hiring former NCAA athletes and then funneling them onto sponsored teams with the intention to dominate recreation and church leagues.
These "ringer teams" are not being warmly received by the competition.
"We used to have fun until these guys showed up," said Billy Jackson, age 44, of Goose Creek, SC. "Now these Enterprise ringer teams just keep winning. Most of my team never played baseball past Little League and we're supposed to beat a slow-pitch softball team composed entirely of former NCAA baseball players who are all 23 years-old? If you ask me, they should all be thrown out of the league."
News Auburn Re-Fires Gene Chizik in Attempt to Avoid NCAA Sanctions
"I just want to make it known that today I double fired Gene Chizik," said Gogue. "So I trust the NCAA realizes how serious we are about this. No need for them to punish us in any way — and there is especially no need for them to strip us of our national championship."
Gogue said he called Chizik this morning and informed him of his decision.
"Gene was initially confused, I think partly because he was asleep when I called and because he, you know, officially doesn't work here anymore," said the president. "But he eventually accepted the re-firing. He said we can fire him as often as we want as long as he can still keep his $7.5 million buyout, which he can."
Auburn athletics director Jay Jacobs said the athletic department will cooperate with any investigation and offered to help the NCAA uncover other similar scandals in college football.
"We want this sport to be as clean as possible," said Jacobs. "If I can help the NCAA find infractions, I want to do that. For example, I read about a whole bunch of stuff that Alabama is doing. I can print out the allegations from the message board I was reading if the NCAA is interested. They should probably give Alabama the death penalty."
News Rutgers Basketball Gets Commitment from Highly-Touted 5-Star Masochist
"I think Rutgers is a great fit for me academically and I see them as a program on the rise on the court," said Romar. "Also, I am convinced that head coach Mike Rice will treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and that's like a no good, piece of shit, because that's what I am."
Romar had been considering Kentucky, North Carolina, Duke, and Kansas, but said he knew Rutgers was the place for him on his official visit.
"I remember he drove me over to their arena and I accidentally opened the car door and bumped the car parked beside us," said Romar. "Coach Rice got in my face and was screaming at me and he called me a 'goddam motherf—ker' and punched me in the neck. It was exactly what I wanted."
