News NCAA Strips Scholarships of All College Basketball Players for Being Awful at Basketball
"I didn't want to have to do this, but can anyone seriously make a case that any of these players deserve a free college education to play basketball?" said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "I dare you. Watch a college basketball game and find me a player that is good enough at basketball to be given a $100,000 education. You won't be able to."
The 2012-2013 season has continued and strengthened a recent trend in college basketball of low-scoring games filled with turnovers, fouls and missed shots, turning what was once an exciting sport into 40-minute advertisement for the NBA.
"Maybe pulling their free educations will cause the players to dedicate themselves to improving at basketball," said Emmert. "Because that's the only way they're getting their scholarships back. First guy to hit an open 18-foot jumper gets his scholarship back. I'm not overly optimistic."
The NCAA's decision was met with disappointment from college coaches, yet they said they completely understood the move.
"Hell, I don't like watching this anymore. But I'm under contract, so what can I do?" said Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim. "I'm surprised it took the NCAA this long."
"We're No. 1," said Gonzaga head coach Mark Few. "I mean, come on. Obviously college basketball isn't very good right now."
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Picture Report: This is Every Duke Basketball Fan
YOLDPFYPSEO: You Only Let Dad Pay For Your Private School Education Once.
Picture Dan Dakich May Have Dated This Kid's Mom
It depends on whether you can believe every fan sign. I mean, IS their team really No. 1?
News Ryan Kelly Miffed by Lack of Nationwide Hatred Toward Him: "Am I not a dorky white guy who plays for Duke?"
"I've never been hated like I thought I'd be when I came here," said Kelly. "I'm a dorky white guy who plays for Duke. I have a stupid hair cut. I have no muscle tone. I have an unsightly beard. And I produce on the court and I've won a national title in my career. Why doesn't everyone hate me? It's really annoying."
Kelly says he feels like he has missed out on the full Duke experience by not being ridiculed and mocked wherever he goes.
"Sure, I'm taunted during games, but so is every college player," said the gangly oaf. "What I subjected to is nothing close to what guys like Christian Laettner and Cherokee Parks and Steve Wojciechowski and J.J. Redick and Jon Scheyer got when they were here. Is it that I look too ridiculous? Do even Duke haters feel bad for me? Is that it?"
Picture Ben Howland Plays Beer Pong
When his beer pong playing career is over, he might make a great beer pong coach.
News Report: NCAA Tournament Selection Committee Not Giving Any Team Higher Than a 4-Seed This Year
"Everyone kind of blows," said a source on the committee. "The No. 1 team loses every week. Every week. A fourth-ranked Michigan team just lost to Penn State, a team who was winless in the conference. I mean, come on. Do you really think any team in the country deserves a 1-seed or anything even close to that? Of course not."
Several members of the committee were adamant that no team be given a seed higher than No. 9, but they were outvoted and the cutoff line was set at No. 4. For now, at least. There was also unanimous concern among all members that they didn't want to have the first-ever 16-seed upset of a No. 1 simply due to watered down state of college basketball.
"If and when that happens one day, it will be exciting," said a committee member. "But we want it to be a legit upset. This year, you could see a 16-seed enter a game against a top seed as a slight favorite because the whole of the sport is an evenly mixed crap stew. No one wants to see history made that way."
