The New Year is almost upon us. Many people try to change their life for the better when the calendar turns over. But who to turn to for advice?
Thankfully our nation's college basketball coaches are more than happy to provide life tips that they've developed over years of screaming at referees, telling teenagers that this next inbounds play is the most important moment of their lives, and dodging scandal.
In fact, many of America's winningest college basketball coaches have written self-help books. You could read them. But that would be excruciating. All you really need to know is the cliched titles of their books. Everything beyond that is just filler.
So remember these 11 book titles AND TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND!
1. Dare to Dream by UConn head coach Jim Calhoun
2.Success is a Choice by Louisville head coach Rick Pitino
3. Hard Work by North Carolina head coach Roy Williams
4.Refuse to Lose by Kentucky head coach John Calipari
5.Leading with the Heart by Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski
6.A Passion To Lead by UConn head coach Jim Calhoun
7. Lead to Succeed by Louisville head coach Rick Pitino
8. Bounce Back by Kentucky head coach John Calipari
9.Another Hill To Climb by Wisconsin head coach Bo Ryan
10.Reach for the Summit by Tennessee women's head coach Pat Summitt
11. Sweet Redemption by Maryland head coach Gary Williams
To spell all that out a little more
Dare to dream because success is a choice. Hard work means that you refuse to lose. Leading with the heart requires a passion to lead. Lead to succeed! If you fail, bounce back! There is always another hill to climb. Reach for the summit and you will achieve sweet redemption!
There. Add in a couple hundred pages of boring team details and general preachiness and you've got yourself a brand new coach's book.
Call me, unpublished college basketball coaches of America! I am willing to ghostwrite. Working title: "Leading with a Passion of Hard Work and Summit Redemption Success Dreams, Etc."
Just months into his freshman season with the Blue Devils Duke freshman forward Mason Plumlee is starting to suspect that Coach Mike Krzyzewski might be a total dickhead.
Despite Krzyzewski’s pleasant, fatherly demeanor throughout the recruiting process, Plumlee says that the coach’s formerly upright behavior underwent a marked change once the highly touted young forward arrived on campus.
“When he was recruiting me, Coach K just smiled and told my mom how character was the most important thing to him,” Plumlee said. “Now I’m starting to wonder if he was the one who ran over our dog that day and just didn’t say anything.”
Plumlee said that he expected for Coach K to nurture him as he develops his game, but he’s skeptical of some of what the coach considers fundamentals, a list that includes pressure defense, never tipping more than eight percent, and saying Coach isn’t around right now if Trajan Langdon calls to ask for a job.
Plumlee added that Krzyzewski’s “nearly constant” torrent of sneers, verbal abuse, and requests to bum cigarettes without ever buying a pack of his own are making the forward question whether his coach is really the man the public thinks he is.
“Some of Coach’s motivational tactics confuse me a little," says Plumlee. "Earlier this season, he took me aside and asked if it would be cool if he hooked up with my ex-girlfriend. He said, ‘I don’t want to date her or anything, just fool around with her a little.’ I guess he was just trying to inspire me to play better, but I didn’t really get it.”
Plumlee also bristles a bit each time he walks by Krzyzewski’s Lexus, which is always double-parked in a handicapped spot because, according to Plumlee, “Coach says, ‘What, you think someone’s going to towme?’ And he's got a point. Especially since his vanity license plate is FUK-YOU.”
Even when Krzyzewski is apparently being nice, Plumlee still gets the sinking feeling that the coach is a dick.
“He gave an orphanage a donation check for five-hundred grand when I was in his office one day. When they left I said I hoped I could afford to be that generous some day, and Coach just laughed and said, ‘Lemme teach you a little something about charitable donations,’ and called his bank to stop payment on the check,’” said Plumlee.
Plumlee tried to talk to the coach about some of these concerns during an elevator ride at a team hotel last month, but the meeting didn’t go as planned.
“Coach was fooling around on his BlackBerry the whole time I was talking. When I realized he wasn’t paying any attention, I asked if he was too busy to talk. He said he was just really trying to beat his high score on Tetris,” remembered Plumlee. “Then he farted and held the ‘Door Close’ button for like five minutes.”
Despite his worries that his coach is a jerk, Plumlee still believes in Krzyzewski’s coaching abilities.
“It’s hard to question his credentials when he keeps showing you his gold medals from the 2008 Olympics,” concedes Plumlee. “I’m not sure why he’s got two of them, though. I think he said he swiped the second one out of Michael Redd’s suitcase.”
When reached for comment, Krzyzewski confirmed most of the behavior Plumlee described, but offered some justifications for his actions.
“Sure, a lot of other coaches don’t cheat at poker on the team plane, but when I send my players out into the world, they’re armed with more than just a jumpshot,” explained Krzyzewski. “They’re armed with the knowledge that they should never, ever tell the woman they’re sleeping with their real name.”
News Who is John Wall?
Kentucky freshman point guard John Wall has dominated college basketball so far this season. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about John Wall.
Johnathan Hildred Wall was born September 6, 1990 in Raleigh, North Carolina. His nickname is "The Great Wall." His other name-related moniker is "Hildred's Got Skill dreds." It's understandably in a far distant second place to "The Great Wall."
As a fifth-year high school senior during the 2008-2009 season, Wall was ranked as the top point guard in the country and in the top five players overall by every scouting service. Wall hung around his high school for that additional fifth year so he could wow younger chicks with his Trans-Am.
In his senior year, Wall led his his high school, Word of God Christian Academy, to the North Carolina Class 1A state championship, but the team lost on a 40-foot shot at the buzzer. It was just the latest classic game in the rivalry between Word of God Academy and There is No God High.
Wall committed to play for John Calipari at Kentucky on May 19, 2009. He also gave serious consideration to Duke and Miami. Miami. That's hilarious. This kid is going to be huge. Fans love an athlete with a good sense of humor.
During the summer it was discovered that Wall received money from his former AAU coach, which violates NCAA rules because his coach was a certified agent. Wall was suspended for Kentucky's first exhibition game (vs. Campbellsville) and first regular season game (vs. Morehead State). That will teach him to do that again.
Wall is expected to declare for the NBA draft following his freshman season. Thankfully during his fifth year of high school he earned a graduate degree in open gym.
Picture Badass Doesn't Care About Rules
Take THAT, gravity!
Picture Watchmen At NCAA Game
"All the putrid Gonzaga fans will cry their tears of sorrow, and I'll look down and scream, "LET'S GO MIZZ!"
Louisville head basketball coach Rick Pitino propositioned his secretary for a blowjob this morning and, when an assistant walked in and witnessed the sexual act being conducted, Pitino blamed the whole thing on Veterans Day and his distress over the many men and women who have fought and died for the United States.
"This is no different to me than September 11th," said Pitino, alluding to his explanation for a restaurant tryst in 2003. "Somber occasions make me want to fornicate. September 11th, Veterans Day I did my neighbor's daughter after the final episode of M*A*S*H."
After hearing rumors of Pitino's actions this morning, Louisville athletics director Tom Jurich called the coach into his office to discuss the incident.
"I had it in mind to fire Rick," said Jurich. "It was one thing to nail some kid's mom who you just met on a restaurant table after hours while your assistant was asleep on the floor beside you. That time was because of 9/11, as Rick said. And it makes perfect sense. That time. But I probably wasn't going to buy the 9/11 line again. Then Rick made a lot of sense with what he said about Veterans Day. I can't condemn someone for how they choose to mark this day."
Louisville held a press conference following that meeting between Jurich and Pitino to get ahead of the story and prevent it from blowing up into a national scandal like the restaurant tryst/abortion drama from this summer.
"This is Veterans Day," Pitino scolded the media. "We have men and women overseas putting their lives on the line. This is life and death stuff. Some of them aren't going to walk through that door ever again. And you want to talk about me getting a hummer from a woman I pay a very competitive salary to? A woman who I make sure has very rich health benefits package in order to, you know cover any procedures down there? It's despicable. You know that? You people are despicable."
Pitino then ended the press conference by walking away from the podium to fondle a female reporters breasts.
"Our men in uniform would give anything to be able to touch a sweet set of jugs like this right now," said Pitino, leaving the room. "How can you not realize that? Get your priorities in order, people!"
2009-2010 Associated Press Preseason Un-American teams