News Republicans Demand Spending Cuts in Exchange for Joining President Obama's NCAA Tournament Pool
White House spokesman Jay Carney says the Republicans' demands threaten the entire pool with the NCAA Tournament set to begin.
"This shouldn't be as difficult as they are making it," said Carney. "The buy-in is set by the person running the pool. That's how it always has been. But they want to hold the entire pool hostage. We have no idea how many people are in the pool now or what the pay-outs will be. It's irresponsible. Other nations are looking at this debate over our tournament pool and laughing at us. It's time to do what's right and join."
Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is not willing to budge on paying only $20 to join.
"Fifty dollars to join the pool is ridiculous," said Boehner. "If everyone joins at just twenty, the pay-outs to the winners will still be sufficient, plus people will have enough money to join other pools if they want to. We don't want to be beholden to the president's pool. We want tournament pool freedom."
"We are very pleased about the public's reception to the new NIT Doritos Locos Tournament Supreme," said C.M. Newton, chair of the NIT Selection Committee. "Tickets were sold out for every game within five minutes and fans are already lined up outside of the venues to get some Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch basketball."
Newton says details are still being ironed out on exactly how the tournament will be wrapped in a Doritos taco, but said the primary goal of creating excitement about the tournament for the first time in decades has been achieved.
"Do we put a giant taco over each gym? Do we make the players wear Doritos taco uniforms? Is the ball coated with a taco shell?" said Newton. "Who knows. We have a few hours to decide."
This is how they beat Circuit City.
Don Draper would sleep with Cinderella.
The sports world has many powerful figures. Roger Goodell. David Stern. Phil Knight. Scott Boras. But the powerful can't be powerful if there aren't nearby powerless to crush.
From more than 70,000 votes, here is who you determined to be the sports world's most powerless.
25. Jason Garrett
What's most powerful about him: Not constrained by having a soul.
What's least powerful about him: Has completely tarnished the value of an Ivy League education.
24. Athletes who don't take PEDs
What's most powerful about them: Have a clear conscience.
What's least powerful about them: Lose all the time.
23. Fantasy sports columnists
What's most powerful about them: Can spell "rotisserie" without looking it up.
What's least powerful about them: Receive noogies from baseball sabermetric nerds.
22. Ozzie Canseco
What's most powerful about him: Not Jose Canseco.
What's least powerful about him: Not Jose Canseco.
You can't keep animals at a hotel. They're in trouble.