The University of Central Florida has begun a $350 million plumbing overhaul on its campus that will flow fresh Gatorade through every water fountain and faucet at the school. The move was prompted by Michael Jordan's son, Marcus Jordan, who wants to drink Gatorade while playing basketball for the Knights.
"It's the least we could do for Marcus," said UCF president John C. Hitt. "We will have to cut several academic departments and hundreds of jobs to finance this Gatorade plumbing project. But we think it's worth it. This is Michael Jordan's son we're talking about. Michael Jordan! That guy was awesome."
The 6-foot-3 freshman shooting guard has already forced the school to drop a $3 million deal with adidas due to his insistence on wearing Nike. And with the adidas deal ended and the Gatorade plumbing project about to break ground, UCF is ready to take several other steps to satisfy Jordan's offspring. The dining halls will serve nothing but Ballpark Franks and McDonald's starting in the fall semester, and no underwear but Hanes underwear will be allowed on campus following spring break.
"I can't even be in the same room as Fruit Of The Loom underwear," says Marcus Jordan. "I break out into hives. Emotional hives."
UCF is hoping to finish all of the projects as quickly as possible so the young Jordan can feel comfortable and focus on his game.
"I assume he's only averaging 5.3 points per game right now because he's not surrounded by all of his father's products, right?" said President Hitt. "Soon he'll start playing all Jordan-y? Please? I really hope we're not doing all this for some kid who's no better than a walk-on. I honestly had no idea we even had a basketball team here at Central Florida until he enrolled."
The Big Ten is set to announce its new name and new logo.
What will that look like? Glad you asked. Here are the new logos the Big Ten is considering.
In an announcement widely anticipated by Kentucky basketball fans across Lexington, freshman point guard sensation John Wall today declared his intentions to enter drunken freshman Ashley Harbrough.
At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, flanked by his mother and UK coach John Calipari, Wall announced the news to the Wildcat faithful.
“Obviously, this won’t come as a shock to you,” said a quiet but confident Wall. “But since I arrived here on the Kentucky campus, many very interesting opportunities have come my way. I think the time has come for me to see what I can do out there, and that’s why today, I am making it official that I plan on entering Ashley Harbrough at approximately 10:15PM this evening.”
Wall said he has already filed the necessary paperwork needed to enter Harbrough. But he added that he has yet to hire an agent, and that he can choose to pull out of Harbrough at any time if he pleases.
“This was not the easiest decision to make,” said Wall in a surprising move. “I had plenty of other options. Lisa. Angela. Pamela. Renee. I could have entered any of them. But to me, Ashley Harbrough is where it’s at.”
When reached for comment, a visibly drunk and bleary-eyed Harbrough reacted to the news with great enthusiasm. “John Walllll? Oh, I LOVE HIM! OMIGOD, he is like a God around here. I’d totally let him do whatever he wanted to me. In the mouth, whatever. He’s just like… amazing! I’M GONNA DO JOHN WALL WOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Wall is just the sixth freshman in Kentucky history to declare early for entering Harbrough. The last to do so was sophomore and Delta Upsilon member Brinks Campbell, back in October of 2009.
Picture Head To The Crotch
That guy should be drafted by the New Jersey Nuts.
December 24, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @TomCrean AKA Indiana head basketball coach Tom Crean
Fair warning. You might want to have some sort of receptacle on-hand to hold the contents of your stomach.
From Tuesday night's Texas A&M-Washington game. Washington won. Derrick Roland's tibia and fibula lost. Badly.
Papa John said everyone in attendance at the Louisville-Oral Roberts game last week would get a free pizza if he hit a shot from half court.
Chances are Papa John didn't have to buy everyone a pizza. Rick Pitino only eats at Porcini. (I'm sorry. I meant "eats." And, wait Rick Pitino, Italian food and Oral all combined in the same video? It's amazing it's SFW.)
Texas State forward Mychal Wilson says he has started playing with a new outlook on basketball, ever since spraining his ankle at the beginning of the season.
“I realized then that I could get hurt, and that I could have basketball taken away from me,” said Wilson. “So it was then I promised myself that I would play every play like it was my last one.”
But Wilson’s vow to himself has caused strife on the team.
“I wish he would get hurt and never be able to play again,” said point guard Charlie Dane. “I can’t stand him anymore. He’s a total ball hog now. I might break his ankle myself. In fact, if I has one last play in my life, I think I'd use it to take him out.”
Wilson admits that he has taken to shooting every time he gets the ball, and that routinely rips the ball out of his teammates’ hands and takes off towards the basket to try a dunk, but says he is merely giving his all.
“If I’m playing my last play ever, do you think I want to stand there out of the play while someone else shoots? Is that the way anyone would want to go out? Heck, no,” says Wilson. “I’m going out with the ball in my hands, trying to dunk on fools.”
During a stretch of play in last night’s game, Wilson shot from half court, mooned the crowd, tackled a teammate to steal the ball and felt up a cheerleader. In between all of that he routinely yelled: “Give me the ball! This could be my last play, you aholes! Gimme it! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”
Texas State head coach Mason Granger says Wilson’s style of play is actually quite appropriate.
“Yeah, it will be his last play pretty soon,” says Granger. “I’m going to cut him because he won't stop playing like every play is his last play.”