Filed Under » NCAAB

A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.

“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”

The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.

“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.

With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.

“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.

Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”

Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.

“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”

With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.

Little Tanner Davis has only been in school for two years, but so far through kindergarten and first grade he has received very poor grades.

"We were worried. Very worried," said his mother, Sheila Davis. "It was starting to look like he had a mental retardation. That's why we sent him for tests."

And just as Tanner's parents, teachers and school officials expected, tests showed that he does indeed suffer from mental retardation. The boy's IQ is 57, well into the range of a profound cognitive disability.

"However, they also tested him for basketball IQ," said Tanner's beaming father, Vince. "And he was off the charts. He's only six, yet he knows all about spacing on the floor, drawing contact, even how to attack a zone defense. I couldn't be more proud of my boy."

Tanner will immediately be placed in remedial classes, but will also be enrolled in an enrichment gym program.Jack Morrow, the varsity boy's basketball coach in Tanner's school district, will also consult with the boy.

"From everything I've heard, he's got an amazing future," said Morrow. "He only 3-foot-7 right now, but he's also only six. He'll grow into his frame. I'm just glad to hear that, outside of basketball, he's pretty much a moron. Those make the best athletes. They don't question what you tell them and they never over-think out on the floor. This kid could be a great one. I just have to make sure he doesn't have any sort of mental breakthrough."

The boy's mother isn't nearly as excited.

"This is not what I dreamed of for my son, you know?," she said, hanging up on the fridge a piece of the boy's artwork — a basketball play drawn in a green ink. "Who knows. Maybe he has some artistic talent, too. I've never seen something like this done in snot before."

Duke fans: not a wildly lovable bunch.

Here is a sign a few of them took to the national championship game.

Oh. HA! We get it! You're spoiled rich kids living off the success of your parents. Good one!

Maybe consider these other signs for next season.

With the new Iron Man movie,Iron Man 2, set to hit theatres next month, rumors are already circulating about possible storylines for the third installment, set to be released in 2012. One rumor, which has been making the rounds on the internet for weeks, was confirmed today by Marvel Studios: the main villain inIron Man 3will be none other than ultra-evil Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski.

Producer Susan Downey said they wanted to create a character that was “the living, breathing personification of evil.”

“For the final installment of the trilogy, we wanted to up the stakes a little bit,” Downey said. “We wanted to create a villain that was so evil, so unscrupulous, and so universally loathed that audiences would shrink in fear at the sight of him. After much brainstorming, we settled on Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski. Actually it wasn’t that much brainstorming. We all just blurted out his name at the same time.”

Downey said the diabolical and merciless Coach K would provide the most daunting challenge for Iron Man yet.

“Coach K is really going to challenge Iron Man,” said Downey. “He is going to be cunning, he is going to be relentless, he is going to swear a lot and he is going to have a seriously obnoxious group of nerdy geniuses following him around everywhere. Man, I’m getting the chills just thinking about it.”

No decision has been made as to who will play Krzyzewski inIron Man 3,but among the names being mentioned are Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe. Another option is a CGI rat-man. The plot, according to director Jon Favreau, will revolve around Krzyzewski’s plan to knock the planet off its axis with a powerful magnetic device designed by his cadre of whiny nerd followers.

“I don’t want to give away too much, but yeah, it’s going to be Coach K trying to destroy the earth with a big magnet,” he said. “How will Iron Man defeat this menacing villain? How will he stop Coach K from bringing the planet to its knees? You’ll have to wait until 2012 to find out. Oh, and the whole thing’s going to be in 3D so those horrible, beady eyes will look like they’re burning right through you.”

Krzyzewski said he was aware of the movie and gave his blessing to the use of his name and image.

“I think it will be a great thing for our program,” said Krzyzewski. “That kind of exposure can only help us with recruiting. Sure, it portrays me as an evil monster bent on destroying the world, but there are two sides to every story. My followers in the movie have all graduated from college. That means a lot. And if I was afraid of being portrayed as an evil monster, I never would have become a college basketball coach.”

Duke may have won the 2010 men's NCAA Tournament with a thrilling 61-59 victory over the underdog Butler Bulldogs, but the fact remains that they suck at football, the only sport that really matters.

The national title was the fourth for Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski, or one more than the number of bowl games Duke's football team has won in its 115-year history.

"Congratulations, Coach K," Jim Nantz of CBS said during the trophy presentation ceremony. "You are undoubtedly one of the greatest basketball coaches of all-time. Too bad you know dick about football. You could have really been a legend."

Duke's Kyle Singler led the way in the championship game with 19 points and nine rebounds and was named the Final Four's Most Outstanding Player, but he would probably get snapped in half if he tried to catch a pass going across the middle. Senior guard Jon Scheyer added 15 points, six rebounds and five assists, but at 6'5", 190 pounds, would obviously be playing quarterback somewhere if he was a man and had any real athletic ability.

David Cutliffe, Duke's head football coach, congratulated the team for winning its first title since 2001, but stressed that if any of them had a sack or the slightest bit of physical talent, they would be playing on Saturdays in the fall.

"Greg Paulus, their starting point guard for years, couldn't play on our football team," he said. "I think that says something. We may not have the wins they do. In fact, we haven't had a winning season in 16 years. But at least we're a major league sport."

BCS commissioner John Swofford says the 2010 NCAA Tournament proved the superiority of the BCS system.

"Duke would not have been in the title game if basketball did it the way the BCS does," he said. "Game, set, match, BCS."

Butler head coach Brad Stevens called the loss disappointing.

"I don't know if I'll ever get over it," he said. "We don't even have a Division I-A football team at Butler. It's so pathetic."