University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans has resigned for his DUI arrest. Now another prominent Georgia employee has submitted a letter of resignation to UGA president Michael Adams.
July 2, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @ddockett AKA Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett
Duke guard Jon Scheyer was predicted to be a second round draft pick by many NBA Draft analysts. But when the final pick was called on Thursday night, Scheyer had been officially passed over and his face took on a shocked and horrified expression that friends and family say is his most ridiculous ever.
Worst of all: his face still remains that way.
"I'm really starting to get worried," said Lina Scheyer, Jon's mother. "Usually his face goes back to normal after a few seconds when a foul is called or not called. But this is the worst news he has ever received. And it's by far the longest his face has ever looked that way. It's terrifying."
After the final pick of the draft was called, Scheyer sat on the living room floor in front of the television, holding his knees and rocking back and forth with his face all Jon Scheyer'd out.
"I felt terrible for him," said Tom Scheyer, Jon's father. "But I assumed he would eventually get up and go to bed."
And Jon did. But Tom Scheyer says that's when things got really worrisome.
"I looked into his room at about 3:00 a.m.," said Tom Scheyer. "And Jon was laying there with his eyes closed, asleep. But his face was still doing that. You know, the Scheyer face."
Mr. and Mrs. Scheyer have now secured a muscle relaxer prescription for their son, but that has also has had no effect and has merely forced drool to flow out of the Scheyer face.
Jon refuses to answer when asked if he is okay, other than a series of siren-like wails: "Aaaaaaaaaah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. Aaaaaaaaah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH."
Greg Wojciechowski, the father of former Duke point guard Steve Wojciechowski, says it will take time.
"When Steve didn't get drafted, he stayed in his bedroom for two months, slapping the floor and falling over backwards," he said. "But thanks to lots of counseling and time to heal and recover, he has stopped that. For the most part."
According to state representatives, Mississippi has turned down an offer to join the 21st Century and instead will remain in the 1800s.
"At the end of the day, this is where we want to be," said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. "We have such a long history with the 1800s more than 200 years, in fact. And we didn't want to just throw all that away."
The decision will leave Mississippi without education and technology, but Barbour said he didn't believe Mississippi would have been placed on an equal footing with current members of the 21st Century.
"Well, that's probably true," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. "But, they need to understand their history. They would have needed to sit back and kind of watch how the rest of us do it for a few decades before becoming one of our flagship states."
While some in Mississippi had been pushing for the change, polls showed the majority of the state's residents opposed the move. In fact, 68-percent wanted to stay, 10-percent wanted to join the the 21st Century, 5-percent were undecided and 17-percent said: "I ain't seen you 'round here before. You best git' gone before I git to shootin'!"
The news that Mississippi would not join the 21st Century was met with celebration throughout the state, as residents fired guns wildly into the air and drove their pickups through town, honking and flying the state flag with the Confederate flag inlay.
"Umm I'm not sure that had anything to do with the news," admitted Gov. Barbour. "That's just a typical day in Mississippi. Most people haven't heard about the 1800s decision, what with not having television or radio."
While Mississippi appears set in the 1800s, sources say they will be a target of the 20th Century, which is looking to expand its membership beyond West Virginia.
In the latest move in a wave of conference realignment, league sources are reporting that the NBA’s Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, and Orlando Magic are poised to accept invitations to join the Western Conference. The same sources cite increased exposure, greater revenues, and a higher level of play as the primary reasons for the move.
“This is a big day for us,” said Celtics coach Doc Rivers. “The Eastern Conference treated us well for decades, but we want to be where the best teams are. Plus, it’s hard to get comfortable in a conference where your playoffs air on TNT. You’re always worried aLaw & Orderrerun is going to preempt one of your games.”
“I don't think this was an easy decision for this franchise,” said Magic center Dwight Howard. “I knew that unless I died or lost a leg I’d be starting the All-Star Game for the East for the next 12 years. I grew up dreaming of playing in the real NBA, though, against the best players in the world. And now I finally have a chance to do it. It's about legacy. I can only prove myself in the Western Conference.”
Cavaliers officials are hopeful that the move will help the team retain free agent superstar LeBron James. “Giant contracts are nice and all,” said one team official, bBut now we can promise LeBron that those repeated midseason trips to Detroit and Indianapolis are a thing of the past. That’s huge.”
Commissioner David Stern who says he is now Western Conference Commissioner David Stern says he believes the creation of a mega-conference will improve the financial picture of the NBA.
"Honestly, I have no idea what will happen to what's left of the Eastern Conference," he says. "And I really don’t care. Maybe those teams can join the Big East or something. Their names and level of play are already sort of similar.”
Meanwhile, the Eastern Conference is left scrambling to populate its ranks. The conference has considered adding the University of Kentucky from the NBA, but there are concerns about whether coach John Calipari could get his squad’s payroll under the NBA’s $57.7 million salary cap and still put a competitive team on the court.
“At this point, we’ll take any team with five players. They don’t even have to be healthy or particularly good at basketball,” said New York Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. “If anyone has a connection with the NBDL’s Fort Wayne Mad Ants, please have them call us.”
These are momentous times in college sports. Conferences are shifting and growing. History is changing. New masses of power are forming.
And the changes are far from a close.
What will the college landscape look like in the future?
What conferences will be left?
What will they be named?
And where will Rutgers be?
Well, no one cares about that. But scroll down to see what college sports fans will have in 2020
Great. So like the NCAA, sort of. But with a better logo.
Citing a desire to cut through the red tape that plagues the educational system for star NCAA basketball players, the University of Kentucky has awarded incoming freshman hoops sensation Brandon Knight with an honorary degree in “Sociology or Sports Management or Something Really Easy.”
“Brandon gives as much a f-ck about being educated as we do about educating him," explained Kentucky president Lee Todd Jr. “He’s not going to class, and if he does, it’ll be for a semester tops. So this is no more of a farce than pretending that he’s an actual student-athlete. And he deserves an honorary degree as much as any other famous person.”
Reading a prepared statement, head coach John Calipari lauded the decision: “I’d like to point out to all of the critics that Kentucky currently has the highest rate of honorary degrees of any team in the country. This is a great day for myself, Kentucky basketball, and insert NBA- ready point guard here.”
Former Indiana and Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight was unhappy with the decision, saying, “This is no way to prepare young men for the rest of their lives. The only way to properly do that is to abuse them verbally, physically, and emotionally for four years, so when they get out of college they’ve been emotionally scarred as much as possible and are prepared to take out all of their pent up frustration on everyone around them. That leads to success. In one area, at least. Like your career. It usually messes up your family.”
NBA commissioner David Stern weighed in on the situation while speaking on a talk radio program, “I realize that this is all happening because of the rule I instituted, but let me be perfectly clear: Yes, the Constitution says being 18 means you’re mature enough to enlist in the military and defend our country. But this is the NBA, not the Army. I mean, we’re talking about life and death here. Of our brand, I mean. Life and death of the NBA brand.”
Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski didn't have an opinion on Kentucky's move.
"Is Brandon Knight a rich white kid or son of a former professional athlete?" he asked. "No? Then why should I give a shit?”
A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.
“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”
The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.
“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.
With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.
“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.
Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”
Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.
“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”
With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.