Filed Under » NCAAB

West Region

1 – Duke Blue Devils vs. 16 – Hampton Pirates

Either way, Pirates aren't known for their strong moral fiber (all that raping and pillaging), and are quite likely to succumb to the temptations of any form of demon.

Regardless of its color or how jaunty its beret is.

ADVANTAGE: Duke Blue Devils

8 – Michigan Wolverines vs. 9 – Tennessee Volunteers

Wolverines are savage mammals known for their sharp claws and ferocious hunting skills. Volunteers are known for their tenacious ability to cook soup for poor people and collect money for needy kids at Christmas time. We have quite a fight on our hands here, folks, but the Volunteers pull it out in the end. Turns out soup ladles are a Wolverine's Achilles heel.

ADVANTAGE: Tennessee Volunteers

If you are taking your bracket seriously this year, you probably have all kinds of detailed knowledge about which team has the most trips to the free-throw line while playing after 6 PM during daylight savings time while having one or more players with a "Q" in their name playing in the power forward position.

While stats like these combine all the things that make sports awesome (Excel spreadsheets, late nights with a clipboard, and advanced calculus) I propose we take a break from the official line and see who would win based on mascots.

Southeast Region

1 – Pitt Panthers vs. 16 – UNC-Asheville Trojans / Arkansas-Little Rock Bulldogs

The Pittsburgh Panther kills the distracted Trojan, who has never seen a skateboard, let alone a Bulldog riding on one, and then the Panther kills the Bulldog. It looks a little something like this:

1. TROJAN

   What manner of horseless chariot dost that yonder canine ride upon?

2. Panther

   [maul]

(I don't know why the Trojan speaks with a Shakespearean accent, it just seemed right.)

ADVANTAGE: Pitt Panthers

8 – Butler Bulldogs vs. 9 – Old Dominion Monarchs

The Monarch first attempts to crush the Bulldog's head with his scepter, but cannot seem to land a hit (remember, Bulldogs have incredible dexterity).

The Monarch tires quickly, having no subjects to complete his tasks for him, and is quickly subdued by the Bulldog, who adds insult to injury by forcing him to sign the Magna Carta.

ADVANTAGE: Butler Bulldogs

4 – Wisconsin Badgers vs. 13 – Belmont Bruins

What is a Bruin you ask? It's actually a very drunk bear (Bruin being a long-accepted bastardization of the word Brewin'). The Bruin comes out of the locker room after a long night of partying and is all like: "Oh my God, what did I do last night?" and then logs onto Facebook and has to start deleting pictures of himself dancing on tables and flashing his bear parts to the bartender for free drinks.

Badgers win by five, and by five I mean five claws ripping off the hungover bear's face.

ADVANTAGE: Wisconsin Badgers.

Scene: The White House. All of the top world leaders are present.

1. President Obama

   Thank you all for coming. I know most of you don't enjoy the NCAA Tournament as much as I do, but I participated in your World Cup fantasy league so it's only fair that you do this.

2. Pres. Medvedev

   Oh, I follow American college basketball. I enjoy seeing how crappy your brother-in-law's Oregon State team is.

3. Everyone laughs.

4. President Obama

   Shut up, Dmitry.

5. Pres. Medvedev

   They lost to Utah Valley!

6. President Obama

   I know. Shut up.

7. Pres. Medvedev

   And Seattle. And Texas Southern. And Montana!

8. Everyone laughs again.

9. President Obama

   I know. I know. Enough. Let's get started. I have Kansas, Duke, Ohio State and Pitt all going to the Final Four with Kansas beating Ohio State in the title game. Mahmoud, who do you have?

10. Ahmadinejad

    I didn't make any picks.

11. President Obama

    Why?

12. Ahmadinejad

    Because if you look at the bracket, it clearly spells out "ZION."

13. President Obama

    That's insane.

14. Ahmadinejad

    Maybe. Maybe. But saying it felt right.