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Formerly injured Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose announced today that he feels "almost 350-percent" and plans to return to the lineup.

"The guys have shown they can win without me," said Rose, who tore his ACL more than a year ago and was cleared by doctors to play two months ago. "But I think I can contribute under the right circumstances."

Rose says he talked to Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau this morning and assured him that he will return if the Brooklyn-Chicago series goes to a "Game 8" or if the Bulls reach the "gold medal round of the playoffs."

"I told him: 'Thanks so much, Derrick. Way to step up for the team,'" said Thibodeau. "'No one will think you're a pussy now.' Of course, these are things I have to keep saying publicly. I of course personally think he's being a pussy and don't know if I can ever trust him as a player again. But publicly: 'The Chicago Bulls continue to stand behind Derrick Rose's personal timeline for his return.' Make sure you quote me on that part."

Looking to avoid the insults against Carmelo Anthony's wife that have come to bog down the final minutes of most NBA games, commissioner David Stern ordered today that all jokes, slanders and cereal and food references about LaLa Anthony must be done before tip-off and submitted in writing.

"I get that opponents want to say horrible things about Carmelo's wife," said Stern. "They have made that abundantly clear. Insulting LaLa has become part of the fabric of this great game. I just request that it be taken care of before the game begins, so we don't have any incidents in the final minutes or postgame when players should be focusing more on basketball and not quite as much on good zingers about Mrs. Anthony."

The Boston Celtics expressed disappointment in Stern's mandate.

"I'll be honest: I know I have almost no shot of winning another ring with the Celtics," said Kevin Garnett. "The only reason I'm still playing is to say stuff to Carmelo about LaLa during games."

Yet minutes after Stern's announcement, the Celtics submitted 78 pages of cruel jokes about Carmelo's wife.

"We have a lot of material," said Celtics guard Jordan Crawford. "We would have sent more, but our printer ran out of ink."

One week ago, Karen Rinaldi though it was pretty cool to live in the same neighborhood as former NBA center Jarron Collins.

"It's good conversation at parties or whatever to tell people that you live near a former pro athlete," said Rinaldi, who lives three houses away from Collins in Los Angeles. "But that's all ruined now."

Rinaldi said she mentioned to a friend yesterday that she lived near Jarron Collins and the friend replied: "Oh, wow? The gay athlete who came out?"

"No. No, not him," said Rinaldi. "That's Jason Collins. I live near Jarron Collins, his twin brother."

"Oh. Too bad," he friend said. "Well, maybe Jason will come visit sometime. He's really famous."

"Yeah," said Rinaldi.

It's the same for friends of the now much lesser-known Collins twin.

"Jarron is a great guy and I think the world of him," said lifelong friend Doug Mason. "But now I kind of feel like I'm friends with Steve Robinson, Jackie Robinson's brother. Or Jeff Armstrong, the brother of Neil Armstrong. You know what I mean? It would be cooler to know the guy who walked on the moon, not the guy who once shared a bedroom with the guy who walked on the moon."

A caller just now into Nashville's Sports Talk 980 drive-time show, "Crazy Mike and The Pete Show," says he has something to say about NBA player Jason Collins revealing he is gay.

"Alright, we've got Jimmie Ray from Smyrna calling in and he wants to talk about gay athletes," Crazy Mike just said. "You're on the air, Jimmie Ray."

Oh, God. His name is Jimmie Ray. This is going to be even worse than you feared.

"Yeah, hey, Crazy Mike. Yeah, I just wanted to talk about this NBA guy saying he's gay," said Jimmie Ray. "Now, I've never heard of him before because I don't really like NBA basketball. I don't think half of them try all season and when they do, it's only for the last few minutes of the game."

Please. Please someone stop this. Please. It's going to get racial and homophobic. Cut the line.

"And I learned in church growing up that homosexuality is a sin," continued Jimmie Ray.

Sweet mercy. This is a complete disaster. HANG UP ON HIM! You don't want sports radio callers talking about these issues! They're America's dumbest people! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!