I bet the Heat get him. They're loaded.
"I'm so proud of Nathan," said his mother. "We just did a month-long unit on fighting the sin of pride I decided to do that instead of one on geometry and he really exhibited humility today by not going for 150 on me. He is growing into a fine young man. And I'm sure if he knew geometry he would have acted like a real wiseacre out there today, so I obviously made the right decision."
Lippman says he has been working tirelessly at his game during his daily hour-long gym period his mother schedules for each weekday afternoon, which comes right after a two-hour class on the founding fathers and just before a five-minute science class.
"I was really in a zone," said Lippman. "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was a combination of factors. Hard work. Prayer. The purity of not being tainted by public schools. I would even say there was a little luck involved, but then I know that luck is the sort of thing that only people who are involved in witchcraft or consumed by the sin of gambling believe in. So scratch luck off the list of factors. Mostly I'd say, though, my point total was due to playing against my mom. Mother stinks at basketball, but she's the only person I can play against other than my nine younger brothers and sisters because I am not allowed contact with children outside of our family."
Directions: Just circle a word or phrase in each list, print it out, hand it in to a major media outlet and you'll be a published NBA columnist! You're welcome!
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Derrick Rose sat on the bench in a suit and tie again last night
like the huge pussy that he is.
and probably had conflicted feelings about it.
which had to kill him, because there is no bigger competitor in sports than Derrick Rose.
As has been well documented by now, Rose was cleared to return to the court by doctors two months ago.
So that's that. He can play. There is no debate.
Yet an athlete knows his body better than a doctor does.
But who's to say the team's doctors don't want to callously rush him back to the court before he's ready, the true state of his knee be damned?
"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."
James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.
"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."
So this is what prison must be like.
Picture TV Tim Duncan Smells Fan's Neck
Santa's beard probably holds more smells.
Grandma will be pissed to see what he did to her couch.
The security guard hates his job.
Well, that totally pays him back for knocking the Knicks out of the playoffs.
#1 Buster Douglas for SafeAuto
Mike Tyson's loss to Buster Douglas was humiliating. But it got exponentially worse when Douglas' commercial for SafeAuto came out.
Douglas' two claims to fame will forever be: 1) Upsetting Mike Tyson; 2) Being featured in the only TV commercial ever filmed on flip phone.
#2 Pete Rose's SUPERCHARG'R Energy Bar
Don't have the necessary energy to call in a bet on the baseball team you're managing? You know what you need? Carob! In the late 70s and early 80s Charlie Hustle endorsed the SUPERCHARG'R Energy Bar, a snack that was so cram-packed with energy that it didn't even have time for all of its vowels.
Of course, since we're talking about Rose, there was a bit of sleazy misdirection at play. The bar's wrapper touted the carob-coated treat as "nature's answer to candy," but it also listed the snack's ingredients. First on the list? That most natural of ingredients: high fructose corn syrup. Candy historians have speculated that the bar finally died off after a disastrous "Send in 10 Wrappers, Get a Free Pete Rose Haircut" promotion.
As part of Rose's continuing commitment to serving children healthy snacks, he also endorsed Kool-Aid: