Behold! The power of the Internet and lying.
Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph had the best shooting night of his career last night at Senses, a nightclub in downtown Memphis.
“Oh my God, it was incredible,” said patron Gabby Smith. “He was on fire tonight. It was like he couldn’t miss.”
Indeed, Randolph shot an incredible 12-for-12 with his Glock automatic handgun, even hitting a difficult bank shot that caromed off a steel beam and blew off the finger of a cocktail waitress, just before police arrived.
“I’ve never had a night like that,” said an exhausted but ecstatic Randolph. “I just got into that zone, and suddenly everyone’s head was, like, THIS BIG. Sometimes the stars align and you end up taking down twelve a—holes who totally had it coming.”
Randolph’s friends said they never saw this performance coming from Randolph. “He must have had thirty beers before we went out tonight, “said friend Juan Davis. “And he was totally out of shape, too. But then we got to the club, and he took out his gun, and it was like you flicked a switch. Just an amazing night to be a part of.”
Randolph says he can’t guarantee his hot streak will continue, but that he’ll keep trying. “You never know,” he told reporters afterwards. “You have a shooting night like this, maybe it’s an omen of good things to come. I mean, I was hitting people from inside and outside. It definitely makes you think someone is up there guiding you. And your hollow-point bullets.”
Scene:A Barnes and Noble store in Manhattan. Tim Donaghy sits behind a folding table signing copies of his NBA expose, "Personal Foul." A dozen or so customers stand in line waiting to have their books signed.
A nine-year-old New Jersey boy was removed as head coach of the NBA's Nets on Sunday after investigators determined his age and that he was being forced by contract to coach the moribund basketball team in a rundown building among the refineries and swamps of northern New Jersey.
"Of all of my years in the department, this was among the worst cases I've seen," said Sandra Barker, an officer for the state's Child Protective Services agency. "He was forced to watch the Nets night after night for more than five years. As far as I'm concerned, there can be no punishment great enough for those responsible."
In addition to the deplorable working conditions and his age, the child, Lawrence Frank, was left with a roster featuring no more than two or three legitimate NBA starters resulting in an 0-16 start to the season.
"He's a good little boy," said Barker. "He deserved better. To his credit, he did have some success here a few years ago. I remember hearing that the team was competitive. There were playoff appearances. It wasn't always this bad. But they still never should have had a young child as coach. As bad as the Knicks are, they would never do something like this."
As the stress of being asked to hold down a job usually reserved for grown men five or six times his age built up, the success on the court diminished, leading to back-to-back seasons without making the playoffs and then a winless start to this season.
"I hate basketball," said little Frank upon his rescue. "I want to eat candy."
Child Services officers hope to reunite Frank with one of his former head coaches as an assistant.
"Maybe one day he can be a head coach again in the NBA," said Barker. "Decades from now when he's older and the memory of this is gone. I just hope he's not ruined forever."
NBA free agent Allen Iverson has struck a 10-minute deal with Ruby Tuesday restaurant hostess Lisa Tierney.The deal pays Tierney a base level of two months rent in exchange for fornication in the restaurant’s stockroom.
“When Allen came to Lisa Tierney, he said he wanted to stay in Lisa Tierney, and today he makes good on his promise,” said Leon Rose, Iverson’s agent.“This deal ensures that Allen won’t be going anywhere for the next 10 minutes.”
The deal is backloaded with multiple incentives, including an additional orifice penetration if Iverson performs at an All-Star level.Iverson also negotiated for an out clause after seven minutes, allowing him to wade back into free agency waters.And he has an option to pick up an additional 5 minutes of intercourse at the end of 10 minutes if he so chooses.
The deal almost never came to pass.
“There was an awful lot of posturing at the beginning,” Rose admits.“First, Allen held out.Then, Lisa held out.Then, Allen held out some more.Then, Lisa held out a little more after that.But then, we all bore down and hammered it out.Allen and Lisa came together at the very last minute.In my experience, that’s usually how these backdoor deals get done.”
But rival agents say the deal artificially drives up the market for player groupie payoffs.
“Two months rent?” said longtime agent Gus Franklin.“That’s absurd.A steak dinner is the MAXIMUM amount a floozie should be paid at that slot.”
At a press conference announcing the deal, Iverson appeared jovial.
“This was never about money,” he said.“This was about passion.I knew, when I saw Ms. Tierney, that her womanhood was where I wanted to be.I definitely want to finish out my career in this vagina.”