Little Tanner Davis has only been in school for two years, but so far through kindergarten and first grade he has received very poor grades.
"We were worried. Very worried," said his mother, Sheila Davis. "It was starting to look like he had a mental retardation. That's why we sent him for tests."
And just as Tanner's parents, teachers and school officials expected, tests showed that he does indeed suffer from mental retardation. The boy's IQ is 57, well into the range of a profound cognitive disability.
"However, they also tested him for basketball IQ," said Tanner's beaming father, Vince. "And he was off the charts. He's only six, yet he knows all about spacing on the floor, drawing contact, even how to attack a zone defense. I couldn't be more proud of my boy."
Tanner will immediately be placed in remedial classes, but will also be enrolled in an enrichment gym program.Jack Morrow, the varsity boy's basketball coach in Tanner's school district, will also consult with the boy.
"From everything I've heard, he's got an amazing future," said Morrow. "He only 3-foot-7 right now, but he's also only six. He'll grow into his frame. I'm just glad to hear that, outside of basketball, he's pretty much a moron. Those make the best athletes. They don't question what you tell them and they never over-think out on the floor. This kid could be a great one. I just have to make sure he doesn't have any sort of mental breakthrough."
The boy's mother isn't nearly as excited.
"This is not what I dreamed of for my son, you know?," she said, hanging up on the fridge a piece of the boy's artwork a basketball play drawn in a green ink. "Who knows. Maybe he has some artistic talent, too. I've never seen something like this done in snot before."
“This is a long time coming,” said power forward Anderson Varejao, after it was announced on Tuesday that the Cleveland Cavaliers had been named Least Valuable Teammates for the first time in franchise history. “I think we deserved to win this more a year or two ago. In fact, I honestly thought we were somewhat valuable this year. But either way, it’s an honor.”
The Cavaliers won the Least Valuable Teammates in a landslide over Kevin Durant's Thunder teammates, Kobe Bryant’s Lakers and Dwight Howard's supporting cast on the Orlando Magic as the most worthless collection of schlubs in the NBA.
"I know not being valuable," said Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown. "And these guys are the best at it. I don't know what I'm doing, they don't know what they're doing together we are without any value at all. In a lot of ways, Lebron would probably be better off if he was the only one on the court in a Cavaliers jersey. It's often like one-against-nine out there."
But not everyone agreed with the vote.
“All due respect to the Cavaliers,” said Oklahoma City's Durant. “But I felt my teammates were far less valuable. I mean, Thabo Sefolosha plays significant minutes for my team. Thabo Sefolosha! He should be given the Least Valuable every year.”
Bryant stressed that his teammates proved their unmatched inadequacy by getting tested by an eighth seed in the first round of the playoffs.
“I had to personally drag their sorry asses into the next round,” said Wade. “LeBron didn’t have to do that. Heck, LeBron averaged more than eight assists per game in his series. That means he has people worth passing to. Must be nice. My shitty teammates were robbed.”
But James feels Least Valuable Teammates voters got it correct.
“I wish everyone could see what I see every day in practice,” said James. “I mean, these guys I’m stuck playing with really suck. A lot. I don’t think television properly conveys the degree to which guys like Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Jawad Williams and Anthony Parker are worthless stiffs. They are awful. And no offense to any of the other guys I haven’t mentioned by name. They also blow. This team’s success is 100-percent me. In fact, if it wasn’t for me, I bet we would never win a game. You know, now that I think about it, you could probably call me the most valuable player in the entire league. If only that was an award.”
Picture NBA Jam IRL
"He's on fire! Someone call 911!"