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According to multiple Internet rumors, Gloria James, the mother of Lebron James, is pushing her son to sign with the New York Knicks because they have several players she "would totally do."

Mrs. James, who has been linked to Cavaliers guard Delonte West, reportedly has told friends that she finds Knicks players Toney Douglas, Danilo Gallinari, Al Harrington, Wilson Chandler and David Lee very attractive.

"But that's just the initial list," said a source with knowledge of the situation. "She's fine with anyone on the roster. Even Eddy Curry, if it would get him in shape so he could help her son on the court."

With Cleveland's season ending earlier than expected, Mrs. James has reportedly been evaluating all of Lebron's possible destinations.

"She has done a lot of research ahead of this big decision," said a Cavaliers team source who requested anonymity. "And she wants the Knicks. A lot of people are saying Lebron could go to Chicago, but she just isn't attracted to many of their players. And while the Clippers are a possible destination, even she has standards."

While Lebron's camp has refused to comment on the Delonte West rumors, as well as the latest rumors, it is clear he is aware of the growing story. The superstar will reportedly demand that any time he signs with then acquire Pau Gasol and Manu Ginobili, and bring Sam Cassell and Tyrone Hill out of retirement.

"He wants to play on the ugliest possible team," said a source. "But that strategy could backfire. Look at Delonte West. Ugly sex is clearly no deterrent."

There are also Internet rumors claiming Mrs. James has carried on a long-running affair with former Seattle SuperSonics mascot Squatch, as well as a basketball rack the Cavaliers use during their morning shootarounds.

With every mathematical possibility exhausted and all the ping pong balls pulled, The United States Coast Guard wound up with the right combination, and has earned the first selection in the 2010 military draft.

The Coast Guard, sarcastically regarded in military circles as “The Clippers", have been the odds-on favorite to win the lottery every year since it was implemented. Season by season they find themselves in last place among the fived Armed Forces in the two primary statistical categories used in the military: Blowing Shit Up and Blowing People Up. They also suffered a notable defeat this year when this one Cuban guy on a raft came ashore near Miami undetected.

“We’ve haven’t always had the best luck when it comes to drafts," said Admiral Thad Allen. "But I think this is the year we turn things around. We’ve heard everything from 'Glorified Lifeguards' to 'Campus Police with Swimsuits', to — of course — 'The Clippers of the Military.' But that’s all going to change this year. We have our eye on a kid who we really think can be great at blowing both shit and people up.”

The Guard is expected to take Virginia high school senior Taylor Erickson with the top pick. Erickson, the son of high ranking Marines officer Robert Erickson, was hoping to follow his father to the Marines, but says he’ll go wherever he has to.

“If it’s the Coast Guard, then it’s the Coast Guard. I’m really just happy to become a part of the U.S Military and to finally get paid to blow shit up.”

Several draft experts feel Mass Maritime ROTC Candidate Robert Shay would be the safer choice for the Coast Guard, given his expressed desire to, “go somewhere close to home and to, you know, not get shot at.” But Admiral Allen has promised to take the best available candidate.

This marks the second time the Coast Guard’s had the first pick this decade. Last year, they selected Blake Griffin with the pick, but the 6’10 Griffin was picked off by enemy snipers his first day at sea and didn’t see any action for the rest of the year.

A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.

“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”

The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.

“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.

With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.

“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.

Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”

Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.

“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”

With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.

The NBA Draft Lottery is Tuesday night. It's a tradition for each team's representative to bring along a lucky charm.

Let's take a look at what this year's representative will bring.

1. New Jersey Nets — The basketball used to score the Nets' basket this season.

2. Minnesota Timberwolves — Brian Cardinal's heart.

3. Sacramento Kings — Tyreke Evans' severed foot attached to a key ring.

4. Golden State Warriors — Stephen Curry's mom.

5. Washington Wizards — A large array of weapons, all aimed at David Stern.

6. Philadelphia 76ers — A Taser, held in the direction of David Stern.

7. Detroit Pistons — A poster of The Jonas Jerebko Brothers: Nick, Joe, Kevin, and Gjord.

8. Los Angeles Clippers — The hell's a lucky charm?

9. Utah Jazz — A white person.

10. Indiana Pacers — An albino person.

11. New Orleans Hornets — Sean Payton's lucky Vicodin.

12. Memphis Grizzlies — The ashes of whatever they brought last year that tragically led to the selection of Hasheem Thabeet.

13. Toronto Raptors — A piece of clover picked from Patrick O'Bryant's hometown in the old country of Oskaloosa, Iowa.

14. Houston Rockets — John Wall's kidnapped little sister.

According to U.S. Department of Justice sources and those close to Lebron James camp, Lebron James will be broken up into several smaller corporations pursuant to the Sherman Antitrust Act. The agreement was reached when both parties agreed that the current structure and size of Lebron James was harmful to all involved.

Lebron James will be separated into six distinct corporations. Lebron James Global Marketing, Lebron James Entertainment, Lebron James Family, Lebron James Nike, Lebron James Basketball and Lebron James New York. As it was when Lebron James was a single entity, Lebron James Nike will remain the largest and most influential of the new businesses.

"Lebron James was never a true monopoly because monopolies crush opposition and Lebron James never actually won anything," said Michael Klein, lead negotiator for the U.S. government in the case. "But, it had grown so big it could not serve anyone's interests — the NBA, the City of Cleveland, the public, Lebron James himself — all were being harmed by size of Lebron James. This should fix that."

Lebron James himself, who will be allowed to decide which new Lebron James company he would like to lead, said the agreement relieves a lot of pressure.

"The days of corporations the size of Michael Jordan are over," he said. "We gave it a run, but it's a new world. I'm just happy to stay a part of one of these great companies."

James is reportedly deciding between taking the helm of Lebron James Global Marketing, Lebron James Nike or Lebron James New York.

"Running Lebron James New York is very tempting," said Lebron James. "It would be a new challenge. And I could grow the Lebron James brand there while Lebron James Basketball stays headquartered in Cleveland. Or moves elsewhere. Who knows. It's not my call anymore."

Lebron James Basketball will reportedly be headed by entertainer Jay-Z.

Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated in the 2nd round of the playoffs. And while Mr. James' stock may be down a bit, by no means is Cleveland ready to see him leave to New York, Chicago or anywhere else.

That's why they threw together this billboard campaign that's being rolled out across Cleveland today.

There are only six weeks until the start of the NBA free agency, and teams around the league are already chomping at the bit to offer a contract to Lebron James, easily one of the biggest failures and chokers in NBA history.

"Everyone knows, of course, that we will be offering Lebron a max deal," said Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni. "This franchise will do everything it can to land Lebron James. We will stop at nothing to reach the second round of the playoffs."

James has been coy about his plans.

"I'm just really disappointed with the way this season ended," he said, following Cleveland's playoff elimination at the hands of the underdog Celtics. "I thought we could win a title. However, it is encouraging to hear that teams still want me to play for them. With how much heat I've been taking the last few days in the press, I was worried that wouldn't be the case. I was going to just take the league minimum from whoever would take me."

But some of James' suitors have said they will consider reducing their offers to him due to the fact that he is a complete and total loser.

"It is a concern," said Bulls GM Gar Forman. "Do you want to pay all that money to a worthless f—k up like Lebron James? I mean, we're still offering him the max, of course. Because he's awesome. But it's unlikely we also make him majority owner."