"It's hard to believe it now, but before 1996 we didn't have any basketball player scents on the market," said Thomas Despres, athlete cologne beat writer for the New York Times. "Michael Jordan's Michael Jordan was a game changer."
Jordan's cologne instantly became a bestseller among the 14 year-old boy demographic, who used the fragrance when awkwardly trying to talk to girls. Before 1996, boys of that age were forced to rub magazine ads with cologne samples on their armpits, spray air freshener on themselves or bathe.
"In many circles, Michael Jordan is thought of first as a cologne, and second as a basketball guy. That's how great his cologne is," said Despres. "Anyone with 20 bucks who lives near a Walmart can smell like Michael Jordan. It is the scent of America."
"I remember when we had Linsanity merchandise wall-to-wall," said Jeff Huntsman, owner of a New York City sports apparel shop. "Jerseys, keychains, mugs, bumper stickers you name it, we had it. Actually have it it's still here. It's just over there in that discount bin now."
The 24 year-old Lin hit New York by surprise after putting up record breaking numbers in his first seven starts last season, despite seemingly coming out of nowhere. Lin's play and affable nature led to a media frenzy, inciting the term "Linsanity."
Unexpectedly, the Knicks failed to re-sign Lin this year, instead losing him to the Houston Rockets, where his stats have dropped significantly since his start in New York, officially bringing an end to the Linsanity that really only seemed to last a couple months.
"It's still unclear what purchases led to Lin's $1.37 check, but you can be certain it was something that was 10 times the price 11 months ago," said sports marketing consultant Ian McGregor. "Perhaps a t-shirt? A jersey? Perhaps a game used jersey? It's hard to say. It could've been a lot of things with how fast his merchandise lost its value."
"I just hope his copyright proposal was approved in those first few months," continued McGregor, "otherwise I'm not sure he's made his money back. I know it costs around 40 bucks or so to file a copyright."
Atlanta Hawks: The Hawks are your favorite local pro team because they never break your heart in the playoffs because you're never foolish enough to expect anything from them.
Boston Celtics: You think Ray Allen is a huge traitor and that Kevin Garnett and Jason Terry have played their entire careers with the Celtics.
Brooklyn Nets: You don't feel disloyal for suddenly dumping the Knicks to be a Nets fan because you feel you gave the Knicks about 15 to 20 years more than they deserved.
Charlotte Bobcats: You can't imagine anyone worse than Michael Jordan.
Chicago Bulls: You can't imagine anyone better than Michael Jordan.
Cleveland Cavaliers: You still really hate LeBron James although, ohmigod, how awesome would it be if he signs back with the Cavs in 2014 and teams up with Kyrie Irving that would be so awesome right so awesome. But, yeah, he sucks.
Detroit Pistons: You wish you had been at the "Malice in the Palace" game in 2004 and that Ron Artest would have killed you so you wouldn't be alive to witness Detroit Pistons basketball today.
Indiana Pacers: You like basketball, but Butler and Indiana Hoosiers tickets are too expensive.
Playlist Great Moments in NBA Dunking Failure
He should challenge Dwight Howard to an intra-city suck-off.
Widely considered the greatest player of all-time, Jordan said it would be a tough choice between the trio. However, Morrison's combination of rings and youth would tip the scales in his favor.
"Kobe has five titles and that's impressive, but he's getting a little long in the tooth," said Jordan. "LeBron is a lot younger, but he only has one. I don't really like either choice. What I like is Adam Morrison. He has two championship rings and is just as young as LeBron. Easy choice if you break it down. He's a good mix of Kobe and LeBron."
Jordan took Morrison with the 3rd overall pick in the 2006 NBA Draft, just one of the many disastrous player personnel moves he has made in his post-playing career and one which contributed to the state the Charlotte Bobcats are in today.
But Jordan scoffs at any suggestions that picking Morrison, who last played in the Turkish League in 2012 and left the team due to lack of playing time, was a mistake.
"I don't make mistakes. Never have, never will," said Jordan. "And you saying I did makes you look stupid. Adam has two championships rings. More than LeBron. More than Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley. More than John Stockton and Karl Malone. As many as Hakeem Olajuwon. I don't think I need to go on but I will. Adam has played for four different teams in three different countries. He's gotten tryouts with two other teams. If he's so terrible, why do so many teams consider him? Huh, dumbass?"
#1 Extremely expensive food
What's the best way to impress a date? Take her to an expensive restaurant, of course!
But even the most expensive 5-star restaurant in town doesn't charge $6 for soda or $5 for water. This concession stand does, though so it must be the best restaurant in town! Your date will no doubt be impressed by your big-spending ways and your ways in the art of love.
#2 Fine clothing
The finest establishments require patrons to wear expensive clothing. See that guy over there in that jersey? And that guy there? And her over there? And me? These are authentic jerseys. They cost $250. That's right, baby 250. Just for a shirt. We're practically at a Milan fashion show here.
Fancy clothing. Expensive dinner. Now it's time to dance because they're playing Gangnam Style during the timeout! WOOOOOOOOO! Heyyyyyyyyy sex-y la-dy!
He's probably better at hockey than he was at baseball.