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Duke guard Jon Scheyer was predicted to be a second round draft pick by many NBA Draft analysts. But when the final pick was called on Thursday night, Scheyer had been officially passed over — and his face took on a shocked and horrified expression that friends and family say is his most ridiculous ever.

Worst of all: his face still remains that way.

"I'm really starting to get worried," said Lina Scheyer, Jon's mother. "Usually his face goes back to normal after a few seconds when a foul is called — or not called. But this is the worst news he has ever received. And it's by far the longest his face has ever looked that way. It's terrifying."

After the final pick of the draft was called, Scheyer sat on the living room floor in front of the television, holding his knees and rocking back and forth with his face all Jon Scheyer'd out.

"I felt terrible for him," said Tom Scheyer, Jon's father. "But I assumed he would eventually get up and go to bed."

And Jon did. But Tom Scheyer says that's when things got really worrisome.

"I looked into his room at about 3:00 a.m.," said Tom Scheyer. "And Jon was laying there with his eyes closed, asleep. But his face was still doing that. You know, the Scheyer face."

Mr. and Mrs. Scheyer have now secured a muscle relaxer prescription for their son, but that has also has had no effect and has merely forced drool to flow out of the Scheyer face.

Jon refuses to answer when asked if he is okay, other than a series of siren-like wails: "Aaaaaaaaaah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. Aaaaaaaaah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH."

Greg Wojciechowski, the father of former Duke point guard Steve Wojciechowski, says it will take time.

"When Steve didn't get drafted, he stayed in his bedroom for two months, slapping the floor and falling over backwards," he said. "But thanks to lots of counseling and time to heal and recover, he has stopped that. For the most part."

The NBA Draft is tonight. Why not make it more of an event than just watching a bunch of guys have their names called?

Play NBA Draft BINGO! All the cool kids are doing it.

Here are the rules:

1. If you don't know how to play bingo, I'm not sure how you figured out how to access the Internet.

2. Enjoy!

Completely insane person and Lakers forward Ron Artest says it's a dream come true.

"Everything I've worked for my whole career, I finally have it," said Artest moments after the Lakers won an NBA title over the Boston Celtics. "Look! It's one-size fits all! Just as I hoped it would be!"

Artest then passed on an opportunity to hold the NBA championship trophy so he could continue looking at himself in the mirror with his hat on.

"This is a nice hat, too!" he exclaimed. "It's embroidered and everything! I've always wanted a nice hat. To all the kids out there: follow your dreams and work hard. You could get a nice hat like this."

While his teammates continued celebrating and taking photos with the championship trophy, Artest called friends and loved ones to tell them about his hat.

"I did it!" he was heard telling one person on the phone. "I wish you were here to see it. It's such a nice hat. I think I'll call it Hatty."

Lakers head coach Phil Jackson just looked at Artest and sighed. "That's not a working cell phone," he said. "We haven't let him have a real cell phone in months. It freaked him out that voices came out of it. Also, here's a fun fact: he thinks he's talking to Michael Jackson right now."

Artest later joined his teammates to celebrate with champagne, chewing up an empty bottle while trying to spray his urine on all those around him.

"I'm so happy for Ron," said his beaming psychiatrist, standing off to the side. "This is the best he's been in years."

Los Angeles Lakers center Andrew Bynum says he feels 100-percent for Game 6 of the NBA Finals after having a substantial quantity of fluid drained from his penis last night in a procedure in the parking lot outside of a Santa Monica Cheseecake Factory.

"I wish I had this done before," said Bynum, sitting in his Escalade after the fluid was drained. "I feel amazing. My knee feels amazing. Everything feels amazing."

While Bynum's recent knee drainings were performed by Lakers team physician Dr. Steve Lombardo, the penis draining was conducted by Tara, a USC student who introduced herself to Bynum in the Cheesecake Factory bathroom hallway.

"Or maybe her name was Mandy and she goes to Pepperdine," said Bynum. "I can't remember. That could have been her friend. Either way, I got her cell number — I put her name in my phone as 'Cheesecake Girl'. I think I'll give her a call later today. I'm feeling more fluid buildup."

Jenny, the UCLA student who did the procedure on Bynum, says she hopes her work enables Bynum to play better.

"I'm a huge Lakers fan and I want them to win!" she said. "That's why I've done the same procedure on Ron Artest, Luke Walton, Kobe and Adam Morrison."

Local restaurateur Sun Ho Chin didn’t think much of his decision to change the price of his Beef Chow Mein to $4.50, nor did he consider the ramifications of charging an extra 15 cents for every packet of duck sauce. But when word of the new menu that was posted to a bulletin board outside the Boston Celtics locker room reached the players, sparks flew immediately.

“He did what?” said center Kendrick Perkins when reporters informed him of the price change. “Are you serious? Fifteen cents for a packet of duck sauce? No no no, that shit don’t fly with us. We’ll see what happens when we think about ordering the post-game meal. You don’t go run your prices like that during the NBA Finals and expect to get off scott free.”

Head coach Doc Rivers attempted to diffuse the situation by simply laughing it off as another example of, “Ho Chin being Ho Chin”, but his players weren’t buying it.

“Just because he’s always doing outrageous things like this, like riding around on bike, doesn’t make them excusable,” said guard Ray Allen. "You have to pay for your actions."

After enduring taunts of “Hooo Chiiiin” and onslaughts of nickels and dimes thrown at him from the afternoon lunch crowd, the Golden Pagoda owner backtracked on the decision a bit by blaming rising costs and low customer turnout as the reason for the price increase. It didn’t appear to do any good, however, as Ho Chin was met with a vicious elbow to the chin on behalf of Celtics forward Rasheed Wallace 30 seconds into last night’s post game meal. Wallace was promptly arrested for assault and battery.

“He's the Chinese delivery guy?" Wallace said. "I had no idea. He was just at elbow height so I thought it would be fun to lay him out."

In the latest move in a wave of conference realignment, league sources are reporting that the NBA’s Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, and Orlando Magic are poised to accept invitations to join the Western Conference. The same sources cite increased exposure, greater revenues, and a higher level of play as the primary reasons for the move.

“This is a big day for us,” said Celtics coach Doc Rivers. “The Eastern Conference treated us well for decades, but we want to be where the best teams are. Plus, it’s hard to get comfortable in a conference where your playoffs air on TNT. You’re always worried aLaw & Orderrerun is going to preempt one of your games.”

“I don't think this was an easy decision for this franchise,” said Magic center Dwight Howard. “I knew that unless I died or lost a leg I’d be starting the All-Star Game for the East for the next 12 years. I grew up dreaming of playing in the real NBA, though, against the best players in the world. And now I finally have a chance to do it. It's about legacy. I can only prove myself in the Western Conference.”

Cavaliers officials are hopeful that the move will help the team retain free agent superstar LeBron James. “Giant contracts are nice and all,” said one team official, bBut now we can promise LeBron that those repeated midseason trips to Detroit and Indianapolis are a thing of the past. That’s huge.”

Commissioner David Stern — who says he is now Western Conference Commissioner David Stern — says he believes the creation of a mega-conference will improve the financial picture of the NBA.

"Honestly, I have no idea what will happen to what's left of the Eastern Conference," he says. "And I really don’t care. Maybe those teams can join the Big East or something. Their names and level of play are already sort of similar.”

Meanwhile, the Eastern Conference is left scrambling to populate its ranks. The conference has considered adding the University of Kentucky from the NBA, but there are concerns about whether coach John Calipari could get his squad’s payroll under the NBA’s $57.7 million salary cap and still put a competitive team on the court.

“At this point, we’ll take any team with five players. They don’t even have to be healthy or particularly good at basketball,” said New York Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. “If anyone has a connection with the NBDL’s Fort Wayne Mad Ants, please have them call us.”