Call me crazy, but Utah Jazz draft pick Gordon Hayward might end up being the coolest Utah Jazz player since Jeff Hornacek!
NBA forward Hedo Turkoglu was set to join the Phoenix Suns, but his stay in Arizona may be short after he was detained by state troopers yesterday under suspicion of being an alien.
"We are cracking down on illegal aliens in Arizona," said Arizona governor Jan Brewer. "But we must also be vigilant against regular aliens, too."
Turkoglu was nabbed by police in downtown Phoenix after a meeting with Suns officials. The officer who detained him noted in his records that "the suspect looks freakish," "is nearly 7-feet tall," "with ridiculous eyes, teeth, hair and facial features," "does not appear to be human and is a definite alien," and also: "if he is human, what a sad, pathetic-looking bastard."
The former Kings, Magic and Raptors marksman denied that he was an alien, but was taken into custody anyway when he spoke in broken English.
"I am told it wasn't Mexican talk, thank goodness," said Gov. Brewer. "But it definitely wasn't American either. It's probably the accent from whatever planet he is from."
Officials were tipped off to Turkoglu by several 9-1-1 calls reporting a "suspicious life form," "the ugliest fking person I've ever seen," and "Hedo Turkoglu, a washed up piece of crap who I hope is not in town because the Suns are planning to get him, 'cause that would pretty much doom our chances for next season."
Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert held a press conference today to address the fallout from Lebron James departure, but spoke the entire time in a lisping, falsetto voice, undercutting many of the valid points he tried to make.
"It's time Lebron James grows up. He's a man now, not a teenager. And he needs to start acting like a man," Gilbert said to uproarious laughter. "I simply expected a measure of maturity from him and an understanding that this is a serious situation that impacts more people than just him," he added, many of his words completely drowned out by the laughter of those who had long since stopped listening to him in order to make jokes about his absurd and completely unnecessary voice.
"The people of Cweevelan demand WEESPECK!" Gilbert shrieked.
Gilbert then left the press conference to drive around Cleveland, house-to-house, to personally guarantee to Cavaliers fans that the organization would do everything it can to bring home a winner. But his oversized clown car had trouble navigating some of the city's narrower streets.
Aaah-OOOGA! Aaah-OOOGA! Gilbert sounded the car's horn as he entered each neighborhood. Outside of the many homes that refused to answer the door, he left a letter written in comic sans font.
"I decided to wite them all myself in colored markers on postee-board," the owner yelped. "It's the best way to deewiver an impowtant message!"
Workers have removed the iconic "We Are All Witnesses" billboard of Lebron James in downtown Cleveland.
What has been put up in its place is far more depressing than the empty side of a building would have been.
July 9, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
By @RONARTESTCOM AKA Los Angeles Lakers forward Ron Artest
New Miami Heat forward Lebron James has announced that he will donate the remaining 12 roster spots on his new team to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, meaning 12 lucky boys and girls will get to play this season and beyond with James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
"I have worked closely with the Boys & Girls Club for years and I want to continue that relationship even as I head to South Beach," James said. "Also, these poor, mostly orphaned little kids are the only people we can get under the salary cap."
The announcement was met with celebration from the 30 or so children gathered at the Greenwich, Conn. Boys & Girls Club for James' television special "The Decision." Little Stevie Walker, 8, is thought to be the best prospective Heat player. He can dribble with both his right and left hand and scored around 10 points per game in his biddy basketball league last year (official stats are not kept). He will likely start at point guard for Miami if he can get his foster mother to sign a release form.
Beyond Walker, the pickings are slim. Twelve-year-old Douglas Bolt is fairly tall for his age at 5-foot-8, but he has bad asthma and has never played sports, and would likely struggle at center. Olivia Jenkins, age 10, is another option because she says she recently won 12 tickets at an arcade Pop-A-Shot enough to win a small, stuffed unicorn.
Boys & Girls Club of America president Roxanne Spillett said she appreciates James' generosity.
"Lebron has always been great to us," she said. "Although I suspect he's doing this so he has an excuse if he loses in the playoffs again this year."
The Heat have cut Joel Anthony, Michael Beasley and Mario Chalmers to make room for the Boys & Girls Club children.
"This is a definite roster upgrade," said team president Pat Riley.
Picture ESPN Homepage Irony
Scroll a little further down and the headline is: You Can't.