#1 The Coach From the Stands
"Choke up on that bat!"
"Set a better pick!"
"Aw, hell, we'll have to 'talk' about that one when we get home, won't we, son? This pussy league may not keep score because you're only six, but you and I both know damn well that you're losing 22-3. We'll see if you're a little hungrier for a win when I don't let you eat for the next four days."
#2 The Creepy Coach
His coaching methods may seem a bit unconventional at first, but it's like they always say: the team that showers together in front of the coach wins together in front of the coach. (No one has actually ever said that, but it sounds convincing, right?)
Two regional titles and 14 felony indictments later he'll be stripped of his position.
It's a tricky situation. So keep these tips in mind.
- - -
1. Do NOT stare at her breasts when she is interviewing you
Yes, they sure are nice ones. And your impressive height not only helped you get where you are as an athlete, but it also allows you to fully enjoy her cleavage; it's hard not to take advantage of that. Yet you still shouldn't stare at her breasts. She may find it offensive. Also, by staring at her breasts, you're missing out on that ass. BOOM! Shake that thing, girl!
- - -
#1 The Oldtimer
He's the first guy you see as you walk into the concourse. Relegated to a stool, selling programs and scorecards, his yellowed, foggy eyes have witnessed every team championship of the last half century. While his mouth might not say much, his stooped posture, trembling hands, and withered cheeks all seem to say the same thing: I haven't pooped in a week.
Likely a veteran of war and a vestige of American perseverance, his dignity seems a little compromised when a little kid in an oversized jersey points at him and says, Daddy, is that a troll? Semper fi, Oldtimer.
September 3, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
It's a tie!
From @VShiancoe AKA Minnesota Vikings tight end Visanthe Shiancoe
They're saying what we're all thinking.
Tommy John isn't the only athlete with a surgery named after him.
Here are a few others.
What's annoying about mascots is that they're adored for doing obnoxious things that would otherwise get an un-costumed person beat up. Their small language capacities and gargantuan heads perpetuate the age-old stereotype that they're mentally retarded, which, despicably, is the reason why folks find them so entertaining. Yet some mascots, in addition to being obnoxious, are entirely irrelevant to the city or team they represent.
#1 Southpaw of the Chicago White Sox
This is Michael Jordan's son, Marcus Jordan. Marcus Jordan averaged 8.0 points per game last season for lowly Central Florida, yet he is approximately 8.0 billion times better at basketball than he is at rapping. Observe.