Marc Goossens may be set to finish this NASCAR season dead last in 69th place – some 6668 Nextel points behind circuit leader Jimmie Johnson – but the driver and his team are excited about having the No. 1 pick in the upcoming NASCAR draft.
“We have many areas to improve,” said Goossens. “But drafting a tire changer like this Dennis Blair from Mobile well, he’s a once in a lifetime kind of tire changer. He’s single-handedly revolutionizing the position of tire-changing guy.”
Blair, who has become a star in Alabama dirt track circles for his fast tire-changing ways, is expected to be taken first by Goossens in next month’s draft. The No. 1 overall selection would only further cement Blair’s legend in the state.
“I had the honor of working on the same crew as Dennis once,” said Mickey Rollins, a longtime tire-changer at Southern tracks. “He had the back-left tire, I had the back-right. And even though I had a clean change, he had his done in easily a full half-second quicker. It was amazing. And that was a few years ago when he was just coming up. I bet now he could best me by 0.55 or 0.6 seconds. The guy is a legitimate tire-changing superstar.”
But the hot shot tire-changer could hold out.
“I’m only going to sign a deal that’s right for me,” said Blair. “I want a brand new lug nut gun. And I want a couple of brand new, shiny, satin NASCAR jackets. And I want a Dale Earnhardt Fathead. Give me all that and I’ll sign. But come up short in any area like trying to give me a Dale Jr. Fathead instead of a Dale Sr. Fathead and I’ll hold out until next year’s draft. I know what I’m worth. The two seconds I give a car every race are invaluable.”
Goossens hopes it doesn't come to that.
"If Blair indicates he's not going to sign, we may just have to pick the best available after him," he said. "There is a gas tank filler-upper guy out there who would be a good value pick."
Dale Earnhardt, Jr., still the most popular driver in NASCAR more than a year after his death, is actually not dead, according to reports.
"No, I am not dead," said Earnhardt, Jr. or someone who looked very much like him after finishing in 38th place in Sunday's Banking 500. "I haven't won in 51 races, but I didn't die in a tragic accident last year. That rumor has gotten way out of control. My father is passed, yes. But I am still very much alive, believe it or not."
If that's true, then the millions of NASCAR fans who spend a reported tens of millions of dollars each year on Dale Earnhardt, Jr. products are actually buying the merchandise of one of the worst drivers in the entire sport perhaps the most overrated figure in sports.
"No what? Not dead? That's absurd," said diehard Earnhardt, Jr. fan Larry Grant, who has his entire den decorated with memorabilia celebrating Dale, Jr. and his father, Dale Earnhardt, Sr. "Of course he's dead. Why would I have all of these plastic cups of someone you claim is a scrub driver and has been for years? I may as well just start using my overtime pay to buy Joe Nemeshek products instead."
This possible Earnhardt, Jr. look-alike insists that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. did not die in a crash last season resembling the one that took his father at the 2001 Daytona 500.
"I crashed a few times, yes. Maybe that's the cause of the confusion," he says. "But those crashes were not fatal and they only happened because, well driving a car is never something that I've been very good at. It was sort of the family business so I felt obligated to do it. But I much prefer public transportation."
Grant, the diehard with the shrine in his den to the fallen Earnhardts, says that if it is confirmed that Dale, Jr. is still alive and merely is a poor driver with a beneficial name and powerful marketing, he will make a change.
"I will start collecting Danica Patrick stuff," he said. "She was awesome. It's a shame she died."
NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield barely escaped a massive fire that consumed his car today as he was practicing for this weekend’s Allstate 400 at the Brickyard in Indianapolis. His unique – and very powerful – meth-powered engine caught fire and quickly exploded as he accelerated out of a pit stop.
“Unfortunately this can happen with METHCARs,” said Mayfield’s crew chief Jim Nelson. “There are a whole lot of very flammable chemicals used in a meth engine. And when you have them all sloshing around on top of the engine’s spoon, they can ignite and explode at any moment.”
The explosion is seen as a setback in Mayfield’s push to grow meth throughout the sport.
“Gasoline is very expensive and it pollutes,” he said. “But you can make meth with just some household chemicals and poisons and a Google search. Really! It’s easy. NASCAR needs more meth, not less. We just need to figure out a way to keep the engine’s pilot light going with the whole car igniting.”
Nelson says the team may have to build their next METHCAR with sturdier materials.
“To keep down the weight, we went with some light plastics and shingles – just some stuff we pulled off Jeremy’s mobile home,” he said. “But that stuff catches fire immediately and creates a huge inferno. Maybe we can use an old, abandoned warehouse. You know, for a car.”
Picture Back Hair Earnhardt
Unfortunately, back hair is not flame retardant.