Filed Under » MLS

MLS commissioner Don Garber announced today that the 18 year-old North American soccer league will play the remainder of its 2013 schedule in heavy snow.

"The U.S.-Costa Rica World Cup qualifier played in snow in Denver moved the needle on soccer like nothing we've ever seen before," said Garber. "We've worked for years to get that much buzz for our league. Ad campaigns, promotional giveaways, free tickets. Nothing really worked. Little did we know that all along we just needed to have crystalline water ice fall from the sky. People apparently love that."

Garber is hoping the league's teams in Montreal, Toronto, Denver, Salt Lake City and Vancouver can come through with natural snow. But with several teams in warmer climates, such as the LA Galaxy and FC Dallas, Garber has dispatched snow-making machines to all 20 MLS stadiums.

"My vow is that we will not drop the ball in a single game without at least six inches of snow on the field," said Garber. "I want every game to look like a classic snow-covered soccer Christmas, if there were such a thing."

While many sports fans across the country are marveling at Boston's amazing run of success, with a championship in every major sport over the past seven years, and seven total titles in the last 10, Boston fans are instead stuck in an unshakeable state of depression over the plight of their MLS franchise, the New England Revolution.

"Everyone says we're lucky, but I don't see it," said Donnie McIntyre, a Boston fan who got into a brief celebratory brawl with some family members after the Bruins clinched the Stanley Cup. "The success of the Bruins, Red Sox, Celtics and Patriots just shines more light on the fact that our homo soccer team has never won their league, whatever it's called. I'm a diehard and I really suffer over their plight."

The Revolution, who have been around since the first MLS season in 1996, have yet to win a league championship. They did, however, lose in the title match four times between 2002 and 2007.

"I will never get over the heartbreak of those defeats," said Mikey McCaffrey, while taking a break from smashing a beer bottle over the head of a police horse. "I remember I was taking a shit during work and the paper was on the floor of the stall. So I picked it up to see if the Sox signed anyone. And there was this small item about the soccer team losing again. I wiped my ass with it because there was no toilet paper. But I couldn't believe we had a soccer team, and when I confirmed it by calling into sports radio, I fell into a deep depression. No one suffers like our teams!" he added while lighting a homeless man on fire.