Filed Under » MLB

The Boston Red Sox have fallen to 4-8 following a two-game sweep at the hands of the Texas Rangers in which they gave up 24 runs. But the locker room mood isn’t focused on losing. In fact, Boston’s locker room is now a makeshift meth lab.

“Look, there was a lot of blowback about us drinking and eating fried chicken during games last year,” said Josh Beckett. “I won’t deny that. So we decided to buckle down this year and focus on baseball. We gave our best for a week or so. But it didn’t work out. And now we’ve moved onto other things.”

While Boston’s offense has produced, the starting rotation has been rocked. No starter has an ERA below 4.63. But right Clay Buchholz, who has a 9.82 ERA and 1.73 WHIP so far, bristles at the pitching staff getting all the blame.

“Let’s see you pitch with third-degree burns all over your midsection due to lighter fluid and ether engulfing you in flames 10 minutes before the first pitch,” he said. “I think I did pretty well under the circumstances.”

While baseball celebrates 49 year-old Jamie Moyer becoming the oldest person in baseball history to record a win, those who live near the Rockies pitcher say it’s an obvious sign that Moyer is trying to pretend he’s still young.

“I’ve seen older guys who get sports cars, or get a toupee or cheat on their wives with some girl in her 20s,” said Ken Morrow, who lives three houses down from Moyer. “But getting a major league win? That’s way over the top.”

Jerry Etters, another one of Moyer’s neighbors, says Moyer is all the talk of the neighborhood right now, but that will all die down soon.

“I don’t want to mention any names, but a couple of years ago we had a guy here in our neighborhood, late 40s, who ran a half-marathon,” said Etters. “Well, that impressed a lot of people, especially the other wives who were all like: ‘Why don’t you get in shape like that?’ But not two months later, he hurt his knee running and had to get surgery. Then who looked stupid? This thing with Moyer is no different.”