Filed Under » MLB

Just released, this soundtrack of hell is called Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook.

As though McCarver hasn't done enough damage by ruining America's pastime for the past 20 years, now he has to reach back deeper into the last century and crap all over that, too.

This album includes old standards like "On A Clear Day" and "Gee Baby Ain't I Good To You." Mercifully, there are no McCarver originals — although I would have liked to hear the McCarver classic "A Leadoff Walk Produces More Runs Than a Home Run" set to music. Assuming nails on a chalkboard can be considered an instrument. But everything on the album is old. So don't expect anything contemporary like "Joe Buck's Second-Favorite Website is SuckingC**k.com (with Artie Lange)."

The thing is, this album will probably be more successful than anything you or I do in our entire lives. You know it. I know it. Because life is a slow, dark, meaningless trek to death.

Also, this album's sales will be boosted by a highly-produced ad campaign, in which McCarver tells the nation that he sings "one hit after another."

I wish I was deaf.

Salvatore DiGuilio, a Yankees season ticket holder who sits two rows behind you, expressed shock and dismay today that your son has never heard the word c—t before.

“Really?Seriously?” asked a bewildered DiGuilio.“What is that kid, six?How could he not know what a c—t is?It’s the first thing you learn after you find out what a d—k is.Hey Vinny, can you believe this pr—k’s kid doesn’t know what a c—t is?”

The self-proclaimed “die-hard” Yankee fan scoffed at your notion that c—t is a vulgar word not to be used in front of a child after Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira makes a simple groundout to second to end the fourth inning.

“Please, I use that f—king word around my little s—t kid all the time,” he explained.“That’s the f—king language of the real world.What, are you trying to make your son a p—-y?A p—-y little f——t?Because that’s what’s he gonna grow up to be.”

But Dr. Harry Edwards, professor of sports psychology at the University of Southern California, disagrees with DiGuilio’s claims.

“Contrary to what many inebriated Yankee fans believe, learning crude terms for female genitalia at an early age does not prevent homosexuality, nor does it result in any long-term passive behavior.In fact, studies show learning terms such as c—t before the age of six can lead to problems with anger AND future substance abuse issues.Of course, this means you’ll fit in perfectly with Yankee fans.They’re all complete a—holes.”

DiGuilio refuted Edwards’ notion, saying, “Maybe he’s a c—t, too.”

Yankees officials said they have received several complaints from you in the past few months with regards to DiGuilio’s behavior.So far, the team has had no official response, though a Yankees Stadium security guard did tell you to, “keep your little c—t kid in his seat for ‘God Bless America,’ or I will throw your c—t a—out of this facility.”

DiGuilio has a long history of uttering disgusting, inappropriate words around you and your children.Three months ago, he drunkenly challenged you to fight after spilling beer on your son and calling him a little c—ksucker.DiGuilio claims to have no recollection of the incident.

“Bottom line, I think you’re full of s—t,” says DiGuilio.“That kid has totally heard that word before.Probably at school.I’ve said it around him.Vinny’s said it around him.This whole section says the word c—t every five minutes.And if you don’t like it, you can get the f—k out of this town.

“C—t,” he added.

MICHAEL DESJARDINS

TORONTO > Baseball

Michael, 18, started four years at shortstop for the Royal York Elites club team, finishing his career with a .229 batting average, 7 home runs and 19 RBI out of the cleanup spot. He also committed only 97 errors. All are Canadian national prep records.

Texas Rangers team chaplain Rev. Roger Ryland was pulled aside by another player today who asked if anything in the Bible specifically forbids the use of steroids or other illegal performance enhancing drugs.

"It's the question I get asked more than anything else," said Rev. Ryland. "More than eternity, more than about salvation, more than about God's message of love. Second most is questions about three-ways."

And as all great spiritual leaders can do, Rev. Ryland is able to provide comfort to his flock.

"I tell them that the word 'steroids' is not in the Bible, nor is the terms 'PEDs,'" he said. "I also mention that doesn't necessarily mean it's okay to take them. Although I don't harp on that too much because the team would probably fire me."

Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan says the role of a chaplain is very important and clearly defined on a team.

"The point of a team is to win. So all chaplains, Rev. Ryland included, are required to work towards that goal as their top priority," he said. "That means we don't need him telling people God doesn't want them to take steroids. What's next? Telling them not to steal signs? Steal bases? It's a slipper slope."

The Rangers are no different than any other sports teams that way. Team chaplains throughout all four major sports are instructed to keep players away from crimes such as murder, armed robbery and rape that could get them suspended and leave the team in a bind.

"This is not the true message of Jesus," said Rev. Ryland. "And it's not how I necessarily saw my career in the ministry going — funneling million dollar athletes towards steroids and away from violent crime. I have struggled to reconcile that with my heart and with my God. But I get free tickets to every home game. And that's awesome."

Pete Rose may hold baseball's all-time hits record with 4,256, but The Hit King does not hold the record for MOST IMPORTANT HITS in baseball history, as none of Rose's hits came with the New York Yankees. That record belongs to Lou Gehrig with 2,721. And now Derek Jeter, too.

Each of Gehrig and Jeter's hits came as members of the New York Yankees, thereby making all of their hits far more relevant than anybody else's hits.

"Jeter and Gehrig may only have 2,721, but each of their hits should really count double because they came on the big stage of Yankee Stadium. Imagine the pressure," said Yankees season ticket holder Bob Merloni. "And I don't know who Pete Rose played for, but I know it wasn't the New York Yankees — the greatest sports franchise ever. So that kind of puts a black mark on his great career, you know?"

Merloni said that baseball should really cut Rose's hits by half and double the total by Gehrig and Jeter, putting them ahead of Rose by 3,600 hits instead of behind by 1,500.

"Do this, Bud Selig. Make it happen," he said. "Your credibility is at stake."

Mark Roth, a Yankees season ticket holder who says he has been going to games with his father since before he can remember, admits frustration in explaining the importance of Jeter's accomplishment to others.

"I have friends who aren't Yankee fans who don't get all the media coverage this is getting compared to the coverage of team records for other teams. They're like: 'He doesn't even have 3,000 hits,'" says Roth. "What can you say to that ignorance? All you can really say is: 'Umm, it's the Yankees, guy. So it's better. What are you not understanding?' I mean, this isn't a team record for the Cardinals or the Pirates or the Phillies or the Orioles or some team like that. What good players have those teams ever had?"

Merloni hopes the media attention Jeter is receiving paves the way for some of his current and former teammates to receive the recognition they are due, too.

"Do you see some of the people they are putting in the Hall of Fame nowadays?" he said. "How are these losers getting into Cooperstown and not all-time greats like Paul O'Neill, John Wetteland and Scott Brosius? It's a travesty."