As a disappointing season winds down that saw the team's total runs scored and batting average both drop significantly, White Sox third base coach Jeff Cox has taken it upon himself to change the team's "swing away" sign. Gone is the old sign two taps on the right ear lobe followed by a touch to the wrist. And in its place is a much simple signal: two raised middle fingers extended directly at the batter.
"I can't tell you how much more enjoyable this has made the last two weeks," said Cox. "There's nothing like giving the finger over and over to these pieces of crap. They deserve it for how they've played this year. I think I actually prefer this to winning and being in the playoffs."
Cox has been been giving the swing sign to every batter on every pitch regardless of the game situation since the White Sox were officially eliminated from playoff contention. However, he does tweak the sign depending on the batter.
"For someone like Carlos Quentin, who has really sucked this year, I add a verbal element," says Cox.
That was displayed last night during Quentin's first at-bat when Cox gave him the two raised middle fingers, but then also verbally abused him.
"Yeah, swing away, you piece of crap!" Cox yelled down the line. "Yeah, I'm giving you the swing sign, ahole. Not like you can hit anything anyway. Try, though. Please try. I need a laugh."
Cox was asked to stop his profanity-strewn outburst by umpires and also by opposing players but he instead gave them the swing sign, too.
"I'm not doing anything these players haven't seen before," said Cox.
White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen agrees.
"I'm glad Jeff finally took the kid's gloves off," said Guillen. "For weeks I've been walking down the line of lockers and slapping all the guys in the face with my penis while I cuss them out. Cox is the supportive one around here."
There are only a few days until the start of the MLB playoffs and SportsPickle is previewing each playoff team. Today: New York Yankees.
Hey there, baseball fans!It’s just about October, and if you’re like me, you are EXCITED.That means the World Series is going to be played soon.There are other months, like May, in which the World Series is NOT played.And so I look forward to October, because that is when the World Series is played.They did play the Series once back in 1803, when then-commissioner Earl “Shorty” Robinson moved the Series to January due to the Spanish-American War.But, in general, October is when the World Series is usually played.
And I know it’s our slogan at FOX, but I think it is appropriate to say again that you cannot script October!Other months, like September, have been scripted and shot into feature length films.Woody Allen, who is a famous director of movies, lives in New York City, made a film called “September” that was scripted.But that has yet to occur with October.
Anyway, the reason they say that you cannot script October is because all of the baseball games are played live.They are not scripted in advance.Back in 1245, White Stockings manager Timmy “The Tim” Raymond attempted to script his player’s at bats.But he soon realized that he could NOT control which pitches the opposing team’s pitcher chose to pitch.And so even THAT October was unscripted.How about that?
I’m really looking forward to this year’s playoffs because I want to see if the New York Yankees will come out as the best team in baseball.Many times, the team with the best record in baseball does NOT win the World Series, and therefore cannot be called the best team.You can have the second best record in baseball, and STILL win the World Series.That is the sort of thing you find out when the game is played in October.
Also, the Philadelphia Phillies will be in the playoffs this year.The Phillies, as you know, won the World Series LAST year.But that does not necessarily mean they will win the World Series THIS year.That is because these games are NEW, and have yet to be played.Ryan Howard is what we call a slugger.Because he hits the ball with the same kind of force a BOXER might use while slugging someone.Babe Ruth, also a slugger.
Ooh, a glass of water!What’s interesting about water is that it can be used for both drinking AND bathing.Many baseball players drink water during the game.Others do not.That’s known as a superstition, which is when someone employs a technique and/or talisman to ward off bad luck.Ha ha, maybe Ryan Howard drinks water so that the Phillies WILL repeat.But that is NOT what the Dutch call a fait accompli, because October cannot be scripted.
Until it’s over, and then it can probably be made into some sort of TRANSscript.
You know, friends, I once had sex with a TRANSvestite. It was after a few drinks during a layover at the Milwaukee airport. 1993, I think. He was a pretty lady. Good people in Milwaukee. He/she reminded me of Catfish Hunter in a way. This sexual encounter with a transvestite was also not scripted. Because it just so happened to occur in October. And because I had never been with a transvestite and didn't quite know how to manipulate a penis other than my own. But it was fun.
Just like October.
Which is unscripted.
As am I. Andyou.Especially if you are alive in the month of October, a month I consider to be the most unscripted of months.
By Jim Spetzko, Local Baseball Fan
Hey, Mike!Mikey!I gotta piss!You gotta piss?Let’s piss together!At the stadium urinal trough!And let’s talk while we do it!Let’s talk CRAZY LOUD AND SHIT!
It’s gonna be awesome!I can tell you how many beers I’ve had!I’VE HAD AT LEAST FIVE!I’VE GOT A BUZZ!LET’S GET MORE, SO THAT WE CAN BE MORE BUZZED!CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH BEERS COST HERE?LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH THE BEER COST!
Let’s stand right next to each other at the trough and talk louder than anyone else in the bathroom, so that people know we’re having a good time!I can check other scores on my Blackberry and then relay those scores to you!Dude, the Yankees are up by five!THEY ARE PLAYING SOME SICK BALL RIGHT NOW!
Oh, man.There aren’t two adjacent open spots at the urinal trough!Let’s piss on opposite sides of the trough and STILL TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!Let’s be so loud that anyone trying to urinate between us gets stagefright and can’t piss at all until we leave!Let’s see if we can make their bladders shrink to the size of a golf ball!BRO, I GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT THIS CHICK I BANGED LAST NIGHT!HER FATHER’S DEAD AND THAT MADE THE SEXY CRAZY GOOD!
Hey, here comes our third loud friend!And he has to piss too!Let’s finish pissing and then linger behind him while he pisses and yells back at us over his shoulder!That way, people still trying to piss at the stadium trough will still be unable to function!At all!Let’s see if their excretory systems eventually explode, flooding us all in a pool of blood and urine!They’re probably hoping we won’t notice that they can’t piss.LET’S POINT THAT OUT TO THEM SO IT TAKES THEM EVEN LONGER TO GET THEIR URINE FLOWING!HEY BUDDY, YOU KNITTING A SWEATER OVER THERE?!
Let’s get nachos and hang out in here the rest of the game!I’M IN NO HURRY OF ANY SORT!I’M FINE WITH EXITING THE BATHROOM MORE SLOWLY THAN A SLUG CHOPPED IN HALF!THIS IS A GREAT TIME!
I THINK I HAVE TO PISS AGAIN!
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The Mets may be off to one of their worst starts to a season in franchise history at 65-87, but the team is looking to put that behind them as quickly as possible and get back into contention by the end of the season.
"Every team wants to get out of the gate fast," said manager Jerry Manuel. "That obviously didn't happen for us this year. But I think we showed the last few seasons that it's more important how you finish than how you start."
With that goal in mind, the Mets have looked to be putting the sluggish first five and a half months of the season behind them, winning two of their last four. Although they have dropped the last two.
"That's okay," said Manuel. "You can't get it all back at once. We dug ourselves a 150-game hole. It will take a while to climb back out. I'm just glad to see the team is out there playing hard. This is a talented bunch. The results will come in time."
If and when those results do arrive, the Mets will be peaking at the right time thanks to a bevy of players ready to come off the disabled list and help their World Series push.
"In a way, our poor start actually gives us an advantage over all the other teams," says general manager Omar Minaya. "They're coasting into the playoffs and we're already in the playoff mindset, plus many of our currently injured players will be fresh come October. I am excited about where we are. I know that might sound crazy."
Especially because the Mets were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention 10 days ago.
"That is negative thinking," says Manuel. "Champions don't think that way."