Picture Awkward MLB Pose
Don't be shy. Take it like a (not World Series) champ.
On the heels of turning down rules in favor of instant replay, Major League Baseball’s Rules Committee today also shot down a proposal introducing opposable thumbs to the national pastime.
“Why game need thumb?” said Grok, one of the committee’s ten sitting directors.“Thumb no make game same.”
Opposable thumbs were originally introduced by committee member Urg, who felt that the evolutionary digits could possibly assist in both the catching and throwing of balls.“Balls hard grip,” said Urg in his initial proposal.“Thumb make ball hand good.”
Support for Urg’s proposal appeared to be strong at first, with committee members Fraab, Keeeeee, and Porl all in favor of the new rule.However, Grok’s passionate defense of the no-thumbs rule swayed several people, as did his promise of fresh bananas and available cave floor space.Three votes were taken over the course of the committee’s closed door session, and many anonymous sources say feces were hurled during the arguments.Ultimately, the traditionalists prevailed.
“This good day for game,” said a triumphant Grok to the press, while wiping his hairy, protruding brow with his abnormally long forearm.“Keep human element.”
Many players were also relieved to know they would not have to adjust to the new rule requiring thumbs.“Me no want new glove,” said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon.“New glove have ghost.”
The rules committee also shot down a host of new proposals intended to update the game for modern fans, including properly running water in stadiums, outlawing spearing in the bleachers, and using proper English.However, committee members did vote to have Urg, who proposed most of these new rules, pressed to death under a large wooden plank weighed down with heavy rocks and boulders.
Commissioner Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.
November 13, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @rogerclemens AKA former major league pitcher Roger Clemens
From the good folks at No Mas, using audio from an actual interview with Dock Ellis.
Baseball-on-acid > Baseball-on-steroids
Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez was informed today by Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt that he will live with Mrs. McCourt once the couple's divorce is finalized.
"Divorce is always hardest on the children," said Jamie McCourt. "But I think Manny took the news like a trooper. He cried a little bit, but he was brave. I told him that I have a lot of fun toys at my new house. He'll enjoy it there."
Ramirez asked if it was his fault that the McCourt's were separating. But both Frank and Jamie assured him he was not to blame and that they loved him very much.
Yet Ramirez sounds heartbroken.
"If I was more lovable, Frank and Jamie would want to stay together so they could see me every day," Ramirez said today, tearfully looking up from playing with a truck on his bedroom floor. "I know it's my fault. I think it's because I took those funny pills that I found in Jamie's purse. Now they're mad and they're breaking up."
Frank McCourt says losing Manny is the hardest part of the entire divorce.
"I didn't want this to happen. I'll miss everything about Manny every day," he said. "Even the stuff that sometimes seemed annoying like wiping his nose or changing his sheets because he peed in his bed. But I'll still go to the stadium every night and see him there. She can't take that away from me. I'll make sure to make those moments together special."
Ramirez says he still holds out hope of getting the McCourt's back together. But he also wonders if Jamie McCourt will find someone else.
"Maybe she will get together with someone really cool," he said. "Maybe she'll be with someone like Mark Cuban. Whoa. That would be awesome!"
New York City held a parade today through the Canyon of Heroes in Manahattan to celebrate their Yankees' 27th World Series title. And once that portion of the parade was over, the team boarded busses for the second leg of the parade through downtown Boston.
"It was George Steinbrenner's idea," said general manager Brian Cashman. "He may not be 100-percent, but he can still hit on a great idea sometimes."
"I loved celebrating in New York with out fans," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "But I actually preferred the trek through Boston more. Suck it, you douchebags. Suck. It."
The team's trek through Boston went through every major neighborhood in the city and even some larger suburbs, despite the fact that the Yankees only had a permit for a parade in Manhattan.
"What? What's the problem? We're just a bunch of guys sitting on top of cars who want to tour a beautiful city," said catcher Jorge Posada. "A beautiful city full of losers. You don't need a permit for that."
As to be expected, an impromptu parade through the city snarled traffic and brought Boston to a standstill in the middle of the work day. City officials estimate that more than 2 million Bostonians left work to see the Yankees parade, far more than the number that viewed any recent parades featuring the Celtics, Red Sox or Patriots.
"Getting to boo all the Yankees right outside my building? Awesome," said Jackie O'Connor, a Red Sox season ticket holder. "I much prefer booing the Yankees to cheering for the Red Sox. In fact, it's not even close. We all feel that way. This was by far the best parade we've ever had in this city. I hope they win again next year so I can tell them again how much they suck. Yankees suck! YANKEES SUUUUUUUUCK!"
The life of a modern professional athlete seems glamorous. Money, fame, women. But it's also very easy to shoot yourself.
If you are a professional athlete and suddenly find yourself the victim of a self-inflicted gunshot wound like Plaxico Burress or Vicente Padilla, what should you do?
1. Consider shooting someone else. You've just shot yourself. You're probably in a panic. And a great deal of pain. And quite embarrassed, too. I mean, you shot yourself. Your thoughts will be going a million miles an hour. But you need to calm down for a second and think. Is your gun still beside you? Yes. Is there anyone else near you? If so, shoot them, too. Really. Do it. Consider the facts: Plaxico Burress is imprisoned for shooting himself. Bob Knight and Dick Cheney? Both free. And they shot other people while "hunting." The message is clear: it's far better to "accidentally" shoot someone else than it is to accidentally shoot yourself. Just tell the cops that you saw a pheasant run behind your victim and you'll be golden.
2. Collect evidence. Not for some kind of cover up. You have nothing to hide. You were hunting, right?! (By the way, in case you don't know and in case someone asks, a pheasant is a medium-sized game bird.) No, you need evidence for eBay. Can you imagine if Plaxico Burress had auctioned off swatches of his blood-soaked sweat pants? He would have made a fortune. And then he could have afforded to hire a much better attorney than the one that he had.
3. Get to the hospital Shooting yourself is serious. It's no laughing matter. Well, it is a laughing matter. In fact, it's kind of hilarious. But only for everyone else. Not you. Anyway, at the hospital you'll want to get fixed up. And do your best to get the doctor to prescribe you some steroids for "muscle regeneration" in the limb you shot. Your league won't suspend you for steroids use if they've been prescribed by a doctor. This gunshot just might give your career new life! Well done!
4. Apply for a gun license Yeah, I'm just going to assume you didn't have one. But you're going to want to be able to produce a gun license when the cops show up. A little bribery should get you one. The person at the licensing office is a state employee. They make crap money. A few thousand in cash should be enough for them to backdate your license. If they really drive a hard bargain, offer the piece of clothing that shows the bullet hole. That would have earned the most on eBay.
5. Call your agent Agents don't just help you negotiate your contract. They provide other services, too. Remember that time he disposed of that dead prostitute for you? Really, you don't? It was in 2003 after the first round of the playoffs, you were at the Tropicana, she got mouthy and oh, okay,now you remember. Yeah, that dead prostitute. Anyway, agents can be a big help in situations like this.
6. Go public Okay. All of your bases are covered. It's time to leak the story to the press. Who is the most friendly reporter that you know? No, it's not necessarily that one female reporter who clearly wants to hook up. What about the team beat writer who cheats on his wife during every road trip? Yeah, he's your guy. Call him, tell him what happened, hint that you know about his extramarital activities, and then say: "I know you'll do the right thing with this story." In tomorrow's paper you're going to be portrayed as the hero in an epic gun battle for the very survival of freedom.
7. Start a charity Charitable people, even charitable people who are packing heat, are loved by the general public. So a few days out from the incident, once you have stopped bleeding completely, you'll want to hold a press conference. At the end of the press conference, announce that you are starting a charity to help athletes who are victims of gun violence. Specifically, from their own guns. It will be a small charity to start. But, trust me, the numbers of those in need will continue to grow rapidly. Athletes are getting bigger, not smarter.
The team full of pricks topped that group of douchebags in six games last night, mercifully ending the World Series for most of the nation.
"World fking champs!" hooted noted prick Nick Swisher in the victorious locker room.
Meanwhile, the mood in the opposing locker room was more subdued.
"I still think we were the better team," said uberdouche Jimmy Rollins. "We just didn't play like we were capable of."
The victory by the pricks over the douchebags followed most predictions as to how the Series would play out. The pricks were favored in Las Vegas and among baseball writers and analysts, as well as among casual observers of pricks and douchebags.
"As I thought, the pricks just had better pitching," said Fox analyst Steve Rosenthal.
"At the end of the day, pricks tend to just have more motivation," said Jeff Riley, a casual baseball fan who says he works with both pricks and douchebags, as well as many dickheads. "They can't be denied. Douchebags are annoying, yet possible to ignore if you make the effort to do so. I didn't watch the World Series, but it seems that's how it played out."
With the season at an end, the pricks will now celebrate with a parade before their adoring fans. While the douchebags must try to reload for another run next season.
"We were close," said incredibly douchey right fielder Jayson Werth. "We don't need to blow this team up we get along great and we all love growing our facial hair together and shopping for Ed Hardy t-shirts. But we maybe need to look at the available free agents and see if there are some pricks we can add to the roster."