Baseball purist John McGee was horrified and disappointed today to be beaten to death today by an attacker wielding an aluminum baseball bat.
“Oh, this is terrible!” yelled out McGee when his mugger began beating him with a DeMarini Voodoo baseball bat made with space-age SC-3 aluminum alloy and a composite handle. “Why, God, why? Why kill me with an aluminum bat? This is no way for a person to go! Especially not someone who so cherishes our nation's pastime!”
McGee, who retired from teaching in 2004, moved to Cooperstown, New York, to volunteer at the Baseball Hall of Fame. He was approached by his murderer while walking to his car this morning. After taking McGee’s wallet, the mugger apparently decided he had to kill him so he could not be identified. It was then that the blows from the DeMarini began to reign down upon McGee.
After first bemoaning his cruel fate of being bludgeoned to death with an aluminum bat, McGee enraged his attacker further by insulting him as the blows continued to strike him.
“Sure, you can hurt me with an aluminum bat,” gasped McGee, his ribs splintering with the whip action of the barrel, “but I doubt you could hurt me at all with a wood bat” – blow to the legs that shattered his left femur – “That’s what real men use to beat people, you know” – disfiguring blow to his face – “Anyone can beat someone up with an aluminum bat. Girls can do that. But wood?” – another blow to the head that exposes brain matter – “That’s for real men.”
But as death closed in on him, McGee stopped antagonizing his attacker and turned his pleas inward and upward.
“Dear, sweet Jesus!” cried McGee. “Dear, sweet God! Dear, sweet Bob Costas! Please welcome me into heaven where I can sit beside you and discuss bunting runners over for all of eternity. And please forgive this young man for what he has done to me. He knows not the satisfaction that comes from beating a man with an ash Louisville Slugger! Let him learn, Lord, let him learn.”
The Internet was abuzz yesterday as a YouTube video showing Yankees closer Mariano Rivera having what could only be called "relations" with the baseball during Game 4 of the ALCS made the rounds. After Rivera achieved orgasm, his next pitch had a sharp break to it. But Major League Baseball has said the allegations of a possible semenball are far too disgusting to investigate.
"What do you want me to do," said MLB director of public relations Jonathan McCourt, "take the ball and see if there are traces of Mariano Rivera's semen on it? Yeah, no thanks. Not something in the job description I interviewed for."
Despite MLB's refusal to investigate the matter further, the video clearly shows Rivera looking around, removing his member from his pants, pleasuring himself for approximately 25 seconds, ejaculating in the direction of the ball, placing his member back in his pants, and then throwing a pitch that had a sharp slider break.
"Look, from everything I hear, that's exactly what happened," said commissioner Bud Selig. "But no way am I looking at the video. I saw about three seconds of it and I lost my lunch. Under no circumstances will I view it again. If that's how Mariano Rivera wants to win then fine, I guess. I'm not going out onto the mound to stop him, and I don't think any of our umpires would be willing to do that either."
Rivera addressed reporters before batting practice this morning and said he understood that it might have looked like he ejaculated on the ball, but "it was the angle."
"I didn't do it," he said. "Did I rub one out? Of course. Everyone who saw the game knows I did. But I just did that to relax myself. It was a pressure situation. But I definitely did not put semen on the ball."
Yet the closer left some doubts.
"I will say that there's nothing in the rule book that addresses semenballs or spermballs, as some people call them," he said. "I know. I looked."
Following an Alex Rodriguez home run in the bottom of the 11th inning on an 0-2 count that tied the game, Game 2 of the ALCS between the Yankees and Angels was halted so Rodriguez could be honored in a special ceremony at home plate for achieving the status of "true Yankee."
"This is the biggest honor any player in baseball can ever hope to achieve," said a tearful Rodriguez, as he was informed of his new designation at a home plate ceremony by commissioner Bud Selig. Existing "true Yankees" lined up to shake Rodriguez's hand, while members of the Angels stood off to the side and respectfully applauded, some taking pictures.
Rodriguez's blast was his third game-tying home run in the seventh inning or later this postseason. The accomplishment was enough to earn the status of "true Yankee," including all the rights and privileges according a true Yankee. Rodriguez will now have dinner and drinks comped within the New York metropolitan area for the rest of his life, passersby will stop referring to him as a "choker," "douchebag," or "overpaid, lipstick-wearing queer," the New York Post will cease publishing mocking headlines, and he will carry himself with a general sense of awesomeness.
Many Yankees greats were on hand or the ceremony, including Hall of Famers, as well as extremely true Yankees like Scott Brosius and Paul O'Neill.
"To have my name uttered in the same sentence as someone like Scott Brosius," said Rodriguez after the game, "well it's pretty special. This is the kind of thing you dream about as a baseball player."
Yankee captain Derek Jeter said he is glad to welcome another member to the true Yankee club.
"Being a true Yankee isn't about stats, it's about some sort of indefinable criteria dreamt up by our fans and the media," he said. "And Alex has finally fully met those requirements, whatever they might be."
Rodriguez says he will not take the responsibility lightly.
"To whom much is given, much is expected," he said. "The great and true Yankee Luis Sojo taught me that."
Picture Catcher Falls Into Woman's Lap
How's that for a muff dive!
There's not much more that can be written about these teams at this point.
So let's see what photos have to say.