Filed Under » MLB

A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.

“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”

The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.

“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.

With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.

“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.

Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”

Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.

“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”

With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.

In its latest attempt to contain a catastrophic oil spill, the British Petroleum company has announced plans to lower Astros left fielder Carlos Lee over the gusher. BP hopes the size and girth of the slugger will be enough to plug the leak and buy workers time to repair it.

BP chairman Lamar McKay said the company was hoping to submerge Lee by the end of the week.

“We’re hoping to get him down there under water by Friday at the latest,” said McKay. “Carlos is a very large man and his body should provide enough mass to jam up that leak pretty good. Then our technicians can get in there and fix the problem. This should actually be easier to pull off than the big box because the box couldn’t swim.”

McKay indicated that they had talked to Lee and the slugger had agreed to help out.

“Carlos has been on board with this from the get-go,” said McKay. “He really wants to help out, to do his part for the environment. His only concern, if you could call it that, was that he wouldn’t be quite fat enough to plug a leak that massive. But we assured him that he was indeed plenty fat. And in fact, that he might have to fast for a few days to get down to the appropriate weight.”

The details of the plan have not been revealed in full, but McKay did say that Lee would be lowered with a crane to the area of the gusher and then would paddle to the leak and dive into it.

In a Senate inquiry on Wednesday, lawmakers questioned whether the plan would work.

“This seems a bit pie-in-the-sky to me, no pun intended,” said Sen. Jeff Bingaman, D-N.M. “I mean, I know that Carlos is a big guy, but he can hardly be big enough to — Oh my God, is that a picture of him? Wow, he has put on weight. Damn. I’m surprised he can even run the bases. Actually, judging from his batting average in the report I was given on him, the issue of baserunning hasn’t really come up yet.”

Astros ownership said they approved of the measure and expressed gratitude towards Lee for sacrificing his body for the good of the nation.

“We’re very proud of Carlos for offering up his body for something this important,” said team owner Drayton McLane, Jr. “It is our hope that his fatness will curb this terrible environmental disaster once and for all. It’s also our hope that he will resurface a thinner, more svelte human, since there won’t be much to eat down there. Then again, whales and great white sharks manage to keep themselves fed, so who knows? He could develop a liking for plankton and never want to surface again. Which would be fine, too. I'm pretty sure we put something in his contract allowing us to void it if he becomes a whale. Same with Lance Berkman."

Milwaukee Brewers manager Ken Macha repeatedly tried to reach someone in the Milwaukee bullpen last night to get some pitchers warmed up, but the bullpen coach and relievers let the calls go to voice mail each time.

“He kept calling and bothering us all the time at all innings – the third inning, fourth inning, fifth inning. So we got caller ID,” said reliever Claudio Vargas. “Now when he calls we usually let it go to voice mail. It’s let us just relax, hang out with each other and watch the game like the fans.”

Macha's first call came last night in the fifth inning after starter Doug Davis walked his fourth batter of the night.

“Um, hello? Is anyone there? Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up,” he said. “Well, hmm … maybe you guys stepped out for a minute. I’ll try back a little later. Oh, this is Ken Macha.”

The manager’s next call came three batters later when Davis gave up an RBI single.

“Yeah, you guys there? Anyone? Anyone? I had called earlier. It’s Ken. Your manager. Pick up the phone if you’re there, please,” Macha said. “I had called earlier and I really need someone to warm up for Doug. So if you get this message, please get warmed up. Okay, thanks. Have a good one.”

Four pitches later, after Chipper Jones hit a ball to the warning track, there was another call.

“Okay, really. Please pick up if you are there. I’m starting to get worried,” said Macha. “Doug is getting rocked and I need to talk to you guys. Is this the right number?”

Middle reliever Todd Coffey says the bullpen made the right decision in getting voice mail.

“Really, who calls before the sixth inning? That’s just rude. We’re all just sitting down, getting situated and the phone is ringing off the hook,” said Coffey. “We work so hard supporting our crappy starting rotation, sometimes we just need a little rest, you know? If there’s a big emergency or they really, really need us, I’m sure someone will come out and get us. But until then, we’re going to see how many messages our voice mail memory can hold.”

Oakland's Dallas Braden pitched just the 19th perfect game in major league history on Sunday. Perfect games are a rare. But a few baseball occurrences happen even less frequently.

Here they are.

One day after Commissioner Bud Selig announced cocaine use would be legalized and encouraged for every remaining Yankees-Red Sox series this season, the two teams played Sunday night’s matchup battle in just under 46 minutes, the shortest recorded game in modern MLB history.

The decision was a reaction to yet another pair of marathon contests between Boston and New York during the opening games of the weekend series, as both Friday and Saturday’s meetings lasted well over three hours.

“This ensures the youngest generation of MLB fans will have an opportunity to see baseball played at a reasonable hour," said Selig. "And sometimes the theft of youthful innocence as they witness their heroes lit up and out of their skulls is the price we have to pay. Although, more specifically, a grand per kilo is really the price we have to pay. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to use the bathroom.”

Dirt from the pitcher’s mound was replaced by pure, uncut blow direct from Bogota, Colombia. And while Sox starter Jon Lester’s first 17 pitches each topped 113 MPH, the lefthander proceeded to give up five home runs in the first inning alone, with each clearing the stadium and landing well past Lansdowne Street. In fact, the sheer force of Alex Rodriguez's home run left the slugger's right and left shoulders completely dislocated, though the third baseman didn’t seem notice what had happened as he sprinted around the base path, stopping only at second base to high five Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia reciprocated enthusiastically and followed Rodriguez into the bathroom before the inning was finished. Pedroia was replace by Marco Scutaro, who spent the rest of the inning looking for helicopters and asking Kevin Youkilis if he was a narc.

KC and the Sunshine Band were given the honors of playing the seventh inning stretch, but their set was marred by the ESPN cameras spanning across Fenway’s right field to reveal both team’s bullpens engaged in an orgy, which, by all accounts, had been going on for the previous two hours.

The rule change seemed to visibly affect Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon the most of anyone, as he was the most abrasive and idiotic player of all. Asked after the game why he though the drug had such an impact, the Sox closer replied: “OH SHIT THERE’S COKE?! WHERE?”